


Stability: Through His Eyes

by SuzySue



Series: Gabriela Trevelyan [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Abandonment, Ambiguous Female Inquisitor, Ambiguous Relationships, Betrayal, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Impulse Control, Impulsivity, Loss of Control, Mania, Mental Health Issues, Multi, POV Cullen Rutherford, Psychosis, Romance, Smut, melancholia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-06-07 06:52:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 50,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6792034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuzySue/pseuds/SuzySue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gabriela Trevelyan first arrived in Haven, Cullen didn’t quite know what to think of her. He’d noticed her beauty of course – <em>what man wouldn’t </em>– but she seemed out of place somehow. A fragile flower in a field of ashes. She was a young woman, born into nobility. War was no place for someone like that.</p><p>~~</p><p>This story describes how Cullen falls in love with a mentally unstable Inquisitor.</p><p>This is a rewrite of "Stability", written this time from Cullen's POV. It's not necessary to read the original story, but I would recommend it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> So here we go. Again, I ask if you'll let me know what you think. English is not my first language, so if you see anything out of place, please tell me! 
> 
> I'm going through the events at Haven quickly in this first chapter, because we all know what happened, and there was not that much contact between Gabby and Cullen then. The pace will slow down after this.
> 
> Enjoy!

When Gabriela Trevelyan first arrived in Haven, Cullen didn’t quite know what to think of her. He’d noticed her beauty of course – w _hat man wouldn’t_ – but she seemed out of place somehow. A fragile flower in a field of ashes. She was a young woman, born into nobility. War was no place for someone like that.

The more reports he received from her actions on the field, however, the more his view of her changed. She seemed to put all of her efforts into helping as many people as she could. From what he’d heard, she risked her life every day she was away from Haven without hesitation. She wasn’t reckless, however – she was clever, a true tactician it seemed - and soon the people that were chosen to escort her were following her leadership without hesitation. 

When she was in Haven, she spent her days gathering herbs and minerals from the lands around the town, and her nights drinking with her companions – of which she was getting more every time she came back from her travels, it seemed - in the tavern. Cullen would often hear her laugh when he was working late in his tent, and that sound always made him smile. But there was something else about her, he decided at a later point. Something familiar, a sadness behind her smile, something that he could not quite place. 

She brought with her a young girl and her brother one day, from Redcliffe, announcing that the girl would become her personal messenger and she and her brother should get proper living arrangement. Cullen had shaken his head in disapproval, thinking that Haven wouldn’t be big enough if she started bringing home stray children now. But seeing Gabby and Jenna had warmed his heart too, the bond between them reminding him of his own sisters and bringing him hope. 

He had been watching Gabby speaking to Varric and laughing one day, when Leliana came to stand next to him. “Thoughts about our Herald?” she’d asked, and somehow that question made him a little uneasy. 

“She’s… not what I expected” he admitted. “We might stand a much better chance of winning with her on our side” 

“I agree” Leliana responded, but Cullen felt like there was something the Nightingale wasn’t telling him.

* * *

They didn’t speak to each other much, aside from in the war room, so it startled him when he was drilling his soldiers and Gabby was suddenly standing next to him, smiling at him. The sun was reflected off her dark auburn hair, in sharp contrast with her bright green eyes that seemed so much more intense now that her face was illuminated by the sun. She had small freckles on her nose and cheeks, he noticed now for the first time, and he remembered Varric calling her ‘Freckles’ once. She was breathtakingly beautiful. 

He cleared his throat and spoke to her about the Inquisition’s new recruits, about their chances of success, dragging his mind away from where it had been drifting to, as they walked through camp together. He caught himself rambling, and halted, looking at her. He apologised, and said she probably hadn’t come to him for a speech. She smiled blindingly at him, teasingly saying she’d love to hear his speech if he had one prepared. 

He blushed. _Blushed._ No woman had made him blush since Solona Amell, hero of Ferelden. He wasn’t sure if he liked that Gabby had that effect on him. 

The next day, she visited him again, and he wondered if this would become a new habit of hers. Somewhere, he liked that idea, but at the same he was unable to focus on his recruits completely when she stood next to him. They chatted, about the Templar order - of which, to his surprise, she had a lot of knowledge – about where he grew up, and about where she grew up. She lowered her gaze while admitting that she hadn’t sent word to her family yet. 

“You should write them, I’m sure they are worried about you” he said, immediately feeling like a hypocrite, for he had never been any good at keeping his family informed about his whereabouts. 

She nodded, and stayed silent then for a while. Cullen wondered if he’d made her feel bad, and if he should comfort her. The thought of that made him a little uncomfortable. 

The next thing she asked was if the Order made Templars take vows, and being the idiot that he was, he naively answered by telling her about the vigil and getting their Philter, and that being a Templar beyond that meant that their life belongs to the Maker. He wondered why she asked, since she seemed to know so much about Templars. She followed up by asking if Templars had to give up physical temptations as well, and he almost hit himself in the head for not seeing that one coming. He cleared his throat, praying to the Maker that she did not see him blush, and answered by saying that some might give up more than was asked of them to show their devotion, but it was not required. 

“Have you?” 

That question almost knocked him back, and suddenly, even though it was freezing, his armour was much too hot for him. He rubbed his neck awkwardly and said he hadn’t.  Luckily, the conversation seemed to make her almost as uncomfortable as it had made him, and she quickly excused herself. 

She did not come back to see him the day after. 

The next time he saw her was after she came back from the Storm Coast, accompanied by a massive Qunari mercenary and his men, whom they referred to as ‘the Chargers’. Cullen ran into her on her way to the war room, and he noticed she looked exhausted. By now he knew she was not a fragile flower, and yet he felt a strong desire to protect her. When she smiled at him, he was still taken aback by her beauty, though. And when he smiled at her, he noticed she lowered her eyes and blushed. He mentally patted himself on the back for it. 

She’d chosen to ask the Templars for help, and Cullen felt some pride that she’d chosen to listen to him. She left not long after that day, and returned victorious, with the Templars behind her. It shocked Cullen to see she looked so much worse than she had before she left, and she’d looked tired even then. She called a meeting, in which she gave him, Leliana, Cassandra and Josephine a detailed report about what had happened at Therinfall Redoubt, and he noticed that she wouldn’t look at him. When she told them about what the Envy demon had shown her, he could hear the emotion in her voice, and he could see tears forming in her eyes. Suddenly, she seemed every bit the fragile creature he once thought she was, and he felt the need to hold her, tell her things would be alright. 

She retreated to her cabin after that, and Cullen did not see her until the day they set out to close the breach. When she didn’t show up to meet him and the others, he asked Leliana to go see if she was okay. The spymaster raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Why not go yourself?” she’d asked. 

Cullen frowned. “Why would I go? I don’t know her that well” 

“Well, Commander, since you seem to be worried about her” the Nightingale answered, and Cullen averted his eyes. 

Leliana went eventually, and returned with Gabby, who looked better than when he’d seen her last, but still very tired. They travelled into the mountains, towards the breach, and when they reached it, Gabby stood underneath the middle of it and Cullen aligned the Templars around her.  

She looked like a dream vision as she held out her hand and the mark on it connected to the breach. All of the sudden, Cullen saw what everybody else saw when she was not in Haven – an immensely strong, confident woman. Until he saw her face, which was contorted in pain. When he saw that she was about to fall, he surged forward and supported her, his arms folding around her body. 

She seemed delirious. He said “you can do this, it’s closing already, see?  Just hold on a little longer”, but she didn’t seem to hear or see him. She was sweating profusely, she was breathing heavily and shaking violently, but he could still see her strength and determination through all of that. She screamed out while closing her fist and pressing her eyes shut, and then before he knew it the breach was gone. As people around them started cheering, Gabby’s body went limp against his. He tightened his hold on her and said “you did it” in her ear softly, but she had already fainted. 

They’d carried Gabby back to Haven, and to her cabin. The town healer had said she was in no danger, she probably was just exhausted. Cullen sat at her side just to be sure. It was a few hours before she woke up, and the look in her eyes when she saw him made him silently thank the Maker that he had stayed with her. 

That night, Haven celebrated. Cullen was at the town gates, watching the celebrations from a distance but having no desire to join them. And then he saw Gabby. He watched her speak to Varric and several townspeople. People seemed to adore her, and he had started to understand why. When she was talking to Blackwall, Cullen felt something twist in his gut and he frowned when he saw the way the Warden was looking at her, with hungry eyes. Gabby herself seemed oblivious to it. Without realising, he’d started moving towards the two, but he froze when Blackwall walked away, Gabby turned, and their eyes met.  

Cullen felt something then, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, something he’d never expected to feel here, of all places. Gabby smiled widely and waved at him, and for just once second, it felt like she was the only person here aside from him. He smiled back at her, and then turned around to go back to his spot. He shook his head. _Get yourself together, Rutherford_ he thought to himself. 

The attack on Haven came quickly and unexpectedly. As Cullen fought the mages that attacked them, he saw Gabby and her companions in the distance, and once again he saw how strong she was, how incredibly powerful when she fought. She didn’t need rescuing, and he’d been a fool to ever have thought that. When the Archdemon flew over Haven, all hope seemed lost. Everybody retreated to the Chantry. 

The situation seemed hopeless, until Roderick told them about the hidden passage leading out from Haven. Cullen suggested they use the last trebuchet to cover Haven and their attackers, while everybody escaped through the path Roderick told them about. The plan seemed watertight, aside from the fact that somebody would have to stay behind. Cullen looked at Gabby, and his heart sunk when he saw the look in her eyes. 

“Would it work?” she asked him, so soft that he could hardly hear it. 

“Possibly” he said, his entire being screaming _NO! Don’t let her do this!_ “but what of your escape?” 

“Just get these people to safety, Cullen” she said, and Cullen forced himself to do what she said, knowing that this was their only option. He gathered everybody and got them ready to follow Roderick, and then sent some soldiers to load the trebuchet for Gabby, knowing he was probably sending them to their deaths but that it would increase Gabby’s chance of success. He turned to her once more, and the look in her eyes nearly broke his heart. 

He tried to reassure her, told her she could do it, and then told her to get herself out of Haven if there was any time. 

“I’ll try…” she replied, seemingly on the verge of crying. Cullen couldn’t help but pull her against him with one arm, and if it had been up to him he would have held her as long as she needed him to, but there was no time.

* * *

As soon as they were far enough out of Haven, Cullen had one of the mages shoot a fireball into the sky – the signal for Gabby to fire the trebuchet. Nothing happened, and for a moment, Cullen’s heart stopped beating. And then they heard the sound of the trebuchet, and the ground shook as its projectile caused a massive landslide that buried Haven. 

Nobody cheered. Everybody knew what they’d lost. _Who_ they’d lost. Cullen felt it too, and he gritted his teeth and balled his hands into fists while trying not to think too much about the possibility – the likelihood – that she’d died together with the rebel mages. 

They made camp that night, and while everybody was setting up their tents, Gabby’s companions came running into the camp. Cullen rushed to meet them, to ask them what happened. When Varric told him Gabby had stayed behind, he closed his eyes. 

“She’s not lost yet, Curly” Varric said. “She’s gotten through plenty of impossible situations. Don’t give up hope yet”. 

So Cullen decided to arrange a search party. Varric came with him of course, since he seemed to be her closest friend, and the Iron Bull, Cassandra, and to his chagrin, Blackwall. They ventured out onto the path leading towards Haven, into the snow storm that was just starting. They walked until the storm was too heavy for them to continue, and they almost turned back, when Varric called out “I see something! In the distance!”. 

Cullen looked, and saw Varric was right – there was a faint green light in the distance. It could mean there was a rift nearby, but it could also be… hope bubbled up in him and he pressed on. The storm calmed almost as by divine intervention, and as they neared the source of light, he became sure it was her. He increased his pace, pushing forward through the snow, and when he saw the green light was coming from the left hand of the figure in the snow, he called out “It’s her!” 

Gabby dropped onto her knees in front of them, and then face first into the snow, and Cullen dropped himself next to her to roll her around and lift her in his arms. He carried her all the way back to camp, and Varric went to get Solas to heal her. Cullen was at her side the entire time. He held her hand, and was shocked by how cold she felt. He stayed with her for almost two full days, dozing off every now and then but never really sleeping, when Varric showed up and put his hand on Cullen’s shoulder.  

“You need sleep, Curly. I’ll stay with her” the dwarf said, and though Cullen was hesitant to leave her side, he was exhausted too, so he did what Varric said. That night, for the first time in a long time, Cullen prayed. 

He prayed to the Maker and Andraste that she would survive.


	2. Getting To Know Her

The first months in Skyhold were hectic ones, since Cullen kept himself busy with the restauration of the Fortress, preparations for if another attack were to occur, and the great amounts of messages they were now receiving from all over Thedas. Gabby was away most of the time, exploring places, closing rifts, helping people, enlisting more people into the Inquisition. She seemed never to run out of energy, and whenever she _was_ at Skyhold, she hardly ever paid him any attention. Though to be honest, he very rarely left his office either. It didn’t bother him that much either way, because whatever he’d started to feel for her in Haven was not important now that she was Inquisitor. For a moment he’d thought there might be something more for her too, when she’d asked him if he’d left anybody behind, if anybody ‘special’ had caught his interest, and he’d responded by saying “Not in Kirkwall”. He thought he’d seen something in her eyes then, but now he was sure he was mistaken, because she hadn’t said anything about it after and she’d certainly not started showing him any more affection than she had before. 

She came back from Crestwood with two merchants, and Cullen shook his head and chuckled while thinking about how she seemed to find new people to follow her wherever she went. She seemed different, though, but Cullen could not quite place it. When they had their meeting in the war room, she was restless, impatient. She often didn’t let Cullen, Leliana or Josephine finish what they were saying before jumping to a new subject. When she asked them if there was anything else, he told her about the dragon in the Hinterlands, and that it needed to be taken care of. 

Something lit up in her eyes, and she smiled widely while saying “Now _that_ is something I can deal with!” 

Cullen protested immediately, saying that was not what he meant. He suggested to send soldiers to fight the dragon, Leliana suggested to have the dragon lured away to a safer area, but Gabby wouldn’t hear it. When Cullen pushed, saying it was too dangerous, that they couldn’t let her, a dark look came into her eyes that he’d never seen before. 

"Let me _what?”_ she snapped at him _._ _“_ Last I knew, _I'm_ in charge. _You_ put me there. I will deal with it as I see fit".  She excused herself immediately after, saying she would leave for the Hinterlands in the morning. She marched off then. 

 _Rutherford, you idiot!_ Cullen thought to himself, and he mumbled to his colleagues that he would speak to her, before leaving the war room to go after Gabby. She was surprisingly fast, and by the time he caught up to her she was already leaving the great hall. Cullen reached for her and grabbed her wrist to stop her, and she spun around, her eyes widening when she saw it was him. 

He immediately let go of her hand and rubbed his neck, suddenly aware of how close he was standing to her. 

"I apologise if I offended you in the war room. I still think it's not wise for you to fight a dragon, but you were right. You are the Inquisitor, and rightly so. You've gotten through many impossible situations already, so I should not doubt your ability to take care of yourself. It's just..." his eyes were travelling down her body of their own will, and he noticed how her casual uniform accentuated her curves so much more than her thick armour. He kicked himself mentally, forcing himself to look elsewhere, but he did not know where to look. 

"...I just worry about your safety sometimes" he finished, desperately wanting to get out of this conversation now. 

“You worry about me?” her voice sounded, and his eyes moved back to hers. The smile on her face and the glint in her eyes made him blush again, and she must’ve noticed, because her smile widened. 

"I do. I hope that doesn't... bother you?" he asked, his heart speeding up. She laughed, and Cullen was not sure if she was laughing at _him._ He hoped not. 

"It doesn't bother me, Cullen. I think it's sweet. But I'm still fighting that dragon" she said, and he chuckled relieved. 

"I would have expected nothing less" he said. "I should get back to work. Good evening, Inquisitor". 

"You too, Commander" she responded. 

Cullen was glad the conversation was over, but his mind did linger on her smile as he walked to his office. Before going through the door, he looked down and saw Gabby enter the tavern. As he worked until late in the night, he heard the sounds of laughter coming from the tavern, and he imagined Gabby drinking and having fun with her friends. He sighed, and focused on the report in front of him, his head starting to pound as it did every night these days.

His headaches got worse the days after that, when Gabby was away to the Hinterlands, and he didn’t sleep well either. He woke up almost every morning bathed in sweat, calling out to what- or whoever was taunting him, and with a splitting headache. The lack of sleep made him irritable, and he noticed most of his messengers tried to leave him alone and ask him as few questions as possible, for which he was grateful. It seemed like the more Gabby was out helping everybody with everything, the more people were calling on the Inquisition to help them. 

One of the reports he read was from Cassandra, in which she told him that the dragon had been slain, but the Inquisitor was injured. Cullen gripped the edge of his desk forcefully as he continued to read, and relaxed when he read that Solas had been able to heal her. Gabby had been smart to bring Solas. They would be arriving early in the afternoon. 

* * *

Shortly after he watched her ride through the gates, a messenger came saying the Inquisitor had called for a meeting. He hurried to the war room, where Leliana, Josephine and Gabby were already waiting. 

She looked radiant. Strong. Confident. It seemed like she was getting more used to her new role as Inquisitor every day, and it suited her. Leliana asked about the dragon, Gabby responded that it had been taken care of. She said it proudly.

“I heard you were injured” Cullen said, and Gabby’s green eyes turned to him. “Are you alright?” he asked. She frowned slightly, looking at him, her eyes moving down to the hand he rested on the pommel of his sword. That she didn’t answer him worried him.

“Inquisitor?” he asked, and her eyes snapped up to meet his again, and he saw a ghost of a smile on her lips. 

“I’m fine” she responded. “I was injured, yes, but Solas healed me”. 

“I’m glad” Cullen said, and he meant it. Before he could get too flustered from her piercing eyes, Josephine interrupted, telling Gabby about their invitation to the Great Ball. Cullen supressed a groan. The last thing he felt like doing was going to an Orlesian ball. To his surprise, Gabby seemed to feel the same way. 

"Wow. Really?" She said, unenthusiastically. "The great ball..." 

Cullen couldn’t help but snort in response, but he forced himself to keep a straight face. _Very professional, Rutherford,_ he thought to himself as Gabby’s eyes scanned his face once more. 

Josephine ignored Gabby’s lack of enthusiasm and gave her more information about the ball. When she told her that Bonny Sims would be waiting in her room for dress fitting, Gabby sighed and said "Oh, joy", and Cullen chuckled again. He really needed more sleep if this was the way he was going to act from a lack of sleep. He controlled himself again as Gabby looked at him, but she smiled and winked, and he relaxed instantly, smiling back at her. Before she left the war room later, she said “wish me luck” and winked at him again, and Cullen suddenly felt a lot better than he had that morning. 

That feeling subsided as soon as he went back to work, unfortunately. 

He couldn’t seem to focus on his work after that, and the headaches bothered him more than ever. _You should tell her_ , he thought to himself, _it’s the right thing to do, now that she is Inquisitor._ He decided that it was, and left his office on his way to the Inquisitor’s chambers. Somewhere he knew that it was not just to tell her about his Lyrium withdrawal that he wanted to see her. 

He made sure to have some food prepared for her before ascending the stairs to her room, thinking she would probably be hungry after such a long day. She seemed overjoyed to see him, and that baffled him a little. When she asked if he was here on important business, he said he wasn’t, until he saw the look in her eyes and realised what she was asking of him. 

"Ah - Yes, I am, actually" he corrected himself, turning away from Gabby and Bonny to set the plate of food on her desk so he wouldn’t betray himself. "I have a report from Leliana. Confidential information". 

Gabby sighed dramatically and dismissed Bonny, who wasn’t fooled by their poor performance. He couldn’t help but laugh quietly. While Gabby waited for Bonny to have left, Cullen secretly let his eyes travel over her body. The dress she was wearing looked ridiculous, but he had to admit that seeing her in a dress stirred something in him. The bodice was tight, emphasizing her gorgeous waist, and lifted her breasts so that they looked…  _Control yourself, Rutherford,_ he thought, _she is still your Inquisitor._

When she turned her back to him and begged him to undo the lacing of her dress because she had trouble breathing, he swallowed. "Y-yes, of course, Inquisitor", he stammered, and he had to gather himself before raising his hands to undo the knot at the top. His fingertips touched her back lightly, and goosebumps formed on the skin. He asked her if she was cold, and she responded by saying ‘a little’, but he secretly hoped that he was having a similar effect on her as she was having on him. 

He loosened the lacing slowly, letting his fingers travel down her back, relishing the moment, drawing it out. The lower he went, the thicker the air seemed to get, and he wondered if she could feel the tension too or if it was just him. She _was_ being uncharacteristically silent. 

He was disappointed when he finished, and his eyes traveled back up to see that the dress was now drooping below her shoulder, revealing the perfect skin between her neck and shoulder. For a moment, he fantasised about planting a kiss on it, but then he noticed she was holding the dress up with both of her arms and realised she would have to change clothes now. He quickly turned his back to her to give her some privacy.

“Thank you” she said, and there was something in her voice that told him he _did_ affect her. He smiled to himself secretly. When he heard a loud growl coming from her stomach, he chuckled. "You're my hero, Commander. I might've starved if you hadn't decided to come to feed me" she said, and his grinned. _Doing good, Rutherford,_ he thought to himself, proud that he’d thought about bringing some food. 

"Well, I thought you could use some nourishment after hours of dress-fitting. I'm glad that was the right choice. I also needed to speak to you, Inquisitor" he said, keeping his voice as professionally neutral as possible. 

“Gabriela” her heard her say. 

“What?” 

"My name. Gabriela. You might as well call me by it if you're going to bring me food and undress me" she said, bringing another blush to his face. _If you’re going to bring me food and undress me,_ as if she expected this to be a regular thing. _Undress me,_ he had a hard time suppressing the way his body reacted to those two words. "You can turn around now" he heard her say, and he did. 

She was dressed now in casual trousers and a button-up blouse, but she still looked breathtaking. "So," she said, gesturing to the desk, "you wanted to talk? Do you mind if I eat in the meantime? I'm famished". 

"No, not at all, Inquis- Gabriela." He stammered, kicking himself for sounding like such an idiot. He sat opposite from her at the desk, and watched as she broke off a leg of chicken and starting shoving it into her mouth as if she hadn’t eaten in weeks. He stopped himself from laughing, but a small smile did escape from him. He waited for some time to speak, silently watching her, until he realised that would probably make her uncomfortable, and he cleared his throat. 

“I don’t know how much you know about the Templar order?” he asked, immediately regretting asking her that question, because he _knew_ she knew a lot, from the conversation they’d had in Haven. _Now she’ll think you didn’t listen to her, or don’t remember,_ he thought to himself. 

“Quite a lot, actually” she simply said, her mouth stuffed with chicken. “Why?” 

"Then you know that Templar's abilities come from Lyrium, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer. Some go mad, other die. We've secured a reliable source of Lyrium for the Templars here. But I no longer take it". He was strangely nervous about how she would respond to this news. Would she tell him he was reckless?  Would she tell him to start taking Lyrium again? _Maker, I hope not,_ he thought. Despite his withdrawal symptoms, he’d been very proud of himself for breaking away from the Chantry like that. He would hate to have to chain himself again. 

Gabby started coughing immediately after his confession, curling forward, and Cullen leaned forward to pat her on the back. _Idiot,_ he thought, _perhaps you should have waited until she stopped eating._

"What- why?" she asked in between coughs, sounding shocked. 

"I stopped when I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now. After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't... I will not be bound by the order, or that life, any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it". 

Gabby didn’t respond. She just put her piece of chicken back down, looking around for her napkin to wipe her hands on. What she did then surprised Cullen – she reached over the table to hold his hand. He stared at it for a few seconds, not knowing how to respond to this unexpected sign of affection and support. He raised his eyes then, and found her green eyes locked on his, the expression on her face as serious as he’d ever seen it. 

"This can kill you" she said. It didn’t sound like a question. 

"It hasn't yet" he said, breathless. "But I will not put the Inquisition at risk. I've asked Cassandra to... watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty". 

Her expression turned to shock again, and her eyes slowly glided over his face. He wondered what she was looking for, what she was seeing, but he held his breath at the intensity of her gaze. She seemed to really be worried about him, and though somewhere in his mind he was cheering loudly at the fact that it meant that she _did_ care for him, he didn’t like that he was making her worry. She had enough on her plate already. 

"Are you in pain?" she asked then. 

“I can endure it” Cullen said, knowing that to be only a half-truth. 

“I think it’s incredibly brave” she said softly then, after a long moment of silence, sounding vulnerable, as if what he’d told her had hit her hard. He wondered now if she was only worried about him, or if there was more to her reaction than that. He wanted to know what was on her mind – he wanted to know everything about this woman, he realised. She was still holding his hand. 

He wanted to ask her about her thoughts, about her life, about how _she_ was doing. But he didn’t know if he should, and how he would ask, so he just inhaled deeply and said “Thank you… for listening”. 

She shook her head. "Of course” she said, “I know we don't speak that often and haven't known each other that long, but we've been through so much together already... all of us have. You can always come to me if anything is bothering you". And then she winced, as if she thought she’d said something wrong, but what she said had been _perfect._ She was metaphorically opening her doors to him, and he saw it as a victory. He was also immensely relieved that she took his confession this well. She’d responded to it as just another person – as a _friend –_ instead of as his boss. 

He looked at her food then, and thought to himself _I shouldn't overstay my welcome_ , so he stood up. "I will leave you to your dinner before it gets cold". 

“You can stay if you like? You’ve brought enough food for two people” Gabby said, probably just being polite, and his heart said _yes,_ but he shook his head.

 “I still have a lot of work to do” he said, not lying. 

"Maybe you could come to the tavern for a drink later? I'm meeting Bull. We're celebrating our dragon-slaying adventure" she said then, sounding almost hopeful. 

He chuckled in response. He would love to be alone with her the rest of the evening, but to go have drinks with her _and_ the Iron Bull? That didn’t sound appealing to him at all. "That sounds like something you and Bull should do together” he said, and bowed slightly. “Maybe some other time. Good night, Inquisitor". 

As he walked away, he wanted to hit himself in the face. _She asked you to call her Gabriela_ he thought to himself. He walked back to his office, his headache returning with full force, sat down behind his desk, and let his forehead fall onto the wooden surface while he groaned. This was not good. This was very bad. His mind should be elsewhere, on his work, on anything else but _her._ But as much as he tried, he couldn’t deny the truth. 

He was falling in love with her.


	3. Kissing Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw man, reading through this chapter again, I found so many grammatical errors that it hurt me to read it. I fixed most (hopefully all!) of them, but please let me know if you find something else. I'll try to pay better attention from now on. Trying to post a chapter every day should not affect the quality of my writing, of course :(
> 
> Other than that.. enjoy! And I love to hear your thoughts, so let me know what you think!

He was in a cage. A cage of magic, back at that place, the circle. It seemed like so long ago that he had been there, and yet he was here, screaming, trying to fight his way out but the magic barrier hurt him when he touched it. He saw her face – Solona – and she whispered soft, seductive things to him, her face changing while she spoke, turning into something different, deformed. He screamed again, begging for the creature to leave him, but it stepped closer to him instead, crossing the barrier as if it wasn’t there, hissing at him, touching him with fingers covered in boils. _You are weak, Templar._

He woke up bathed in sweat, breathing heavily, and groaned as he saw the stars through the hole in his ceiling. It was still the middle of the night, which meant he would have to try and sleep again, but whenever he did, the distorted memories of his past haunted him. He sat up, stretched the tense muscles of his back and got out of bed to drink some water. He decided then that he would not go back to bed, that he had slept enough. He got dressed, put his armour on and climbed down his ladder to confront the still enormous – even though he’d hardly left his desk for days – pile of reports and messages waiting for him. 

He enjoyed the time he had to go through them undisturbed, before messengers started knocking on his door again at first sunlight. One messenger brought him a letter from South Reach, and he put it aside to read later, knowing it would be from his sister. 

He heard another knock on his door, and without looking up, he grumbled to whoever was there to just come in. When that person didn’t speak he looked up annoyed, and saw – to his surprise – Dorian standing in front of him, both hands on his hips. 

“My, my” the mage said, “our dear Seeker was not exaggerating I see”. 

Cullen frowned. “Cassandra? Why? What did she say?  Why are you here?”. 

“Not so many questions at once, my friend. It’s too early for an interrogation. I ran into Cassandra, and she mentioned you were isolating yourself. She seemed worried. So I decided to have a look for myself”. 

“I’m fine” Cullen muttered, turning his eyes back to the piece of paper in front of him. He could hardly read what was on it, the letters seemed to blend, blur together. He sighed. “What do you want, Dorian?” he asked, looking at the mage again.  

“I think you need an afternoon off, to relax. Do you play chess, Commander?” 

Cullen’s eyebrows raised. He loved to play chess, he played it all the time when he was younger. He looked back at the report, the blurry words, and thought to himself that it might not be a bad idea to take a break. 

“One game couldn’t hurt, I suppose” he said to Dorian.  

* * *

 

After several games, Cullen was feeling better, more relaxed. The weather was lovely as they sat in the gardens playing chess. He saw Gabby long before she saw him. She seemed restless again, energetic but in an unnerving kind of way. Her head moved from side to side, like she was searching something – or someone. _Maybe she’s looking for me?_ He thought for a second, but then almost laughed at himself for how absurd that was.  

“Are you so lost, Commander? It seems to take you an overly long time to think of your next move. Is it because you know I will win again?” Dorian said, pulling Cullen out of his thoughts. 

Cullen laughed in response to that ridiculous notion - Dorian was not terrible at chess, but not as good as him. It had been mostly luck that made Dorian win the last game, an oversight on his own account.   

“Gloat all you like” he said, “I have this one” 

 “Are you _sassing_ me, Commander? I didn’t know you had it in you” Dorian responded, sounding genuinely surprised. 

Cullen sighed. “Why do I even…”, he started to say, and then suddenly Gabby was standing next to him and he dropped the chess piece he was holding. As a automatic reflex, he raised himself from his seat while he said “Inquisitor!”. 

Dorian chuckled. "Leaving, are you? does this mean I win?" 

Gabby crossed her arms in front of her chest, trying to look stern but Cullen could see the smile in her eyes. It was adorable. “Are you two gentlemen playing nice?” she asked. 

“I’m _always_ nice” Dorian said with a snort, and Cullen felt his body relax slowly as he lowered himself back into his seat. “You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory, Commander. You’ll feel much better” Dorian said to him. 

Cullen smirked, picked up the chess piece he had dropped earlier and made the move he had planned on making. “Really?” he said, raising his eyebrow at the mage and smiling, “because I just won. And I feel _fine”._ He leaned back in his chair, feeling maybe a little too proud of himself for ending the game like that with Gabby present. 

“Don’t get smug,” Dorian said, “There’ll be no living with you”. He stood up and left, but right before he did, he looked sideways at Gabby and winked at Cullen. 

Cullen wondered what he meant by that, but it didn’t matter. Gabby now seemed fully focused on him and that was all that could occupy his thoughts. "I should return to my duties as well. Unless... you would care for a game?" he asked.  

She smiled widely at him, sat down and enthusiastically said "Of course! Pepare the board then, commander”, and he curled his hands into fists under the table triumphantly at getting such a reaction from her. “I'm afraid I'm not very good at this, though. I never played much chess in my life" she added. 

As Cullen prepared the board, he tried to make small talk. "As a child, I'd play this with my sister. She'd get this stuck-up grin whenever she won, which was _all the time._ My brother and I practised together for weeks. The look on her face the day I finally won...”. As he told her this, he thought about Mia and that day. He smiled. “Between serving the templars and the Inquisition, I haven't seen them in years. I wonder if she still plays”. 

The way she stared at him in response almost knocked the breath out of him. Her eyes were not only beautiful but they held so many different emotions and Cullen wondered yet again what went on in her mind when she looked at him like that. "You have siblings?" she simply asked.

He gestured for her to make the first move before he answered. “Two sisters and a brother”. 

"Where are they now?" she asked, moving a piece that told him she _really_ didn’t know how to play this game. It didn’t even seem to matter to her, since she spent very little time thinking about her move or even looking at the board. This would make it easy for him to win, though winning a game of chess was not exactly his goal at this very moment. 

"They moved to South Reach after the blight. I do not write them as often as I should" he said, remembering the letter from Mia on his desk and making a mental note to read it and respond to it when he went back to his office. The idea of going back to his office seemed very uninviting now. He made a move after thinking for a moment, and then looked up to still see those piercing eyes scanning him, reading him, making him feel warm inside. "And you? How is your family? I remember you saying you have brothers as well?" he asked, wanting to know more about her. 

"I do. Three older brothers. Jayden is the oldest, and my favourite, though I suppose I shouldn't say that. Alex is the youngest, and he is..." she chuckled before continuing, , "a little strange. Crazy. But fun. I've had some adventures with him” Cullen enjoyed hearing the warmth in her voice when she spoke about her brothers, but then her expression changed, turned almost sad. “And then there's Matthew. My relationship with him is... difficult. I don't know how else to say it”. 

“Difficult?” Cullen responded, encouraging her to continue without wanting to pry. 

"He reminds me of my past failures, and I have more than I like to admit. He doesn't believe in me much either. Even now that I'm-" it seemed to take her a moment to find the right words, "-doing good things, he seems preoccupied with the idea that I will fail". 

Cullen frowned. That bothered her more than she let out, he saw in her eyes. He wondered why her own brother, her family, would make her feel like she wasn’t good enough. She _was,_ more than that even. She was _perfect._ He was curious about her ‘past failures’ though. He’d always thought there was more to her, he could sense it, but now he wanted to know what those failures were, and more importantly, how he could make her forget them. 

"He doesn't know you, not after everything you've been through here" he simply said, not knowing what else to say. 

She nodded in response. "I know, and that's what I tell myself. But it still bothers me". 

“I can imagine” Cullen said, seeing this was difficult for Gabby, and remembering the way she had reached for him the night before. He deciding he wanted to do the same for her, so he took hold of her hand on the table, momentarily forgetting the chess game standing in between them. 

He looked into her eyes, trying to read her emotions, trying to decipher the enigma that sat opposite from him. Her expression changed, from sadness to surprise, to something that he couldn’t quite recognise, and then he even thought he saw fear in her eyes before she pulled her hand away quickly. 

He tried to keep his face neutral as he thought about what an idiot he was, invading her space like that. She obviously had not appreciated it. 

She cleared her throat, seeming uncomfortable now, and said "Anyway… I've invited them to the banquet, so you'll meet them then. Maybe you could invite your family as well?". 

He smiled at her, trying to remain a physical and emotional distance from her now, as he said “that sounds nice. I will think about it”. He already knew he would not invite his family – they were a long way away and he wouldn’t have much time for them, and he didn’t want to think about his siblings and their children being this close to danger. 

He saw Gabby lower her eyes, as if she felt ashamed. _This is not going the way it should go,_ he thought to himself. _Maybe I misread her intentions?_ He was usually very good at reading people, but with Gabby… he doubted himself a little too often. 

She moved one of her pieces, and Cullen decided to follow her lead and focus on the game. They played in silence for a while, but that silence didn’t sit well with Cullen so he said "This may be the longest we've gone without discussing the inquisition, or related matters. To be honest, I appreciate the distraction", and to his surprise, he saw her cheeks redden in response. He allowed himself to hope, for a tiny fraction of a second, that things had not been going as badly as he’d feared. 

"We should spend more time together" she blurted out then, and for a moment that baffled him. She blushed more deeply now, and he envisioned himself softly stroking the crimson skin, ensuring her she had nothing to feel insecure about. 

He smiled, and softly said “I would like that”. 

She lowered her eyes again, and Cullen suppressed a chuckle. She _really_ was adorable. He looked at the chess board as she moved another piece and felt a little disappointed to see he could finish the game in one move now. He considered just moving a different piece to prolong the time he had with her, but it didn’t feel right to manipulate the moment like that. So he made his move and said “it looks like this one is mine”. 

She seemed disappointed then, and for a moment even a little annoyed, but then she winked at him as she said "Well, I haven't played this as much as you, commander. Maybe next time will go better for me". 

He chuckled, smiling. “Maybe it will” he said encouragingly. 

They parted ways then, and Cullen made his way back to his office, noticing he felt tremendously better than he had this morning. _The next time,_ she’d said, so she did want to repeat this afternoon, even though even overstepped his bounds for a moment.

* * *

_"Dear Mia, I'm still alive. Your loving brother, Cullen"_

_Honestly, is it so difficult? We thought you were dead. Again. If the Inquisition was not on everyone's lips, we would never have heard that their fine commander survived Haven._

_We've been hearing strange things about the templars lately. I am not sorry you left them. I thought your resignation was implied when you joined the Inquisition, but you meant something more, didn't you?_

_It's a fool's errand asking you to stay safe, but please try._

_Your loving sister, (see how easy this is?)_

_Mia_

* * *

 

Cullen didn’t see Gabby much after that day, but he was quite busy himself, preparing for the great ball. The last thing he felt like doing was to go to Halamshiral and be surrounded by nobles who cared about nothing but clothes, wealth and status and who didn’t care that there was a war going on. But he’d just have to endure it. 

He saw her sometimes when he stepped outside for some fresh air, usually when she walked to the tavern. He refused to admit to himself that he knew exactly when she would go to the tavern each night and planned his break accordingly. 

The day before their departure, she suddenly showed up in his office. He’d been going through the latest news from Halamshiral, sent to him by Leliana. She burst through his door, wild-eyed, and for a moment he thought she was angry with him so he straightened his back as he asked “Inquisitor?”. 

He watched the expression on her face change, from anger to hesitation to determination, and then a grin appeared on her face, so powerful that he felt it in his entire body. He cocked his eyebrow at her as she closed the distance between them in just a few steps, and before he could realise what was happening, she’d pressed her body against his, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. 

 _She kissed him._

The force of her attack had made him lose his balance, and he needed a moment to adjust but then he eagerly wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss, every fibre in his body screaming in victory, that she had chosen _him,_ out of probably plenty of men who wanted her. And he really, _really_ wanted her, his body betrayed that immediately. It had been too long since he’d felt the touch of a woman and his manhood seemed to be ready to do something with that feeling. When she sucked on his lower lip, it was all he could do to control himself, and he pulled away to let himself cool down a little. 

As he backed away slightly, she tried to follow him, clearly not willing to stop the kiss. But something stopped her when she looked into his eyes.  

“What was that for?” he asked in a low voice. 

“I just realised what a fool I have been, for not doing this ages ago” she answered, smiling, her eyes burning. 

 _Ages ago,_ Cullen thought. So he had not been mistaken when he thought that there might be sometimes between them. Yet he believed himself a fool for thinking that. He had never in his life been so happy to be wrong. 

“Well, I am a patient man. And I am glad you finally decided to do it” he said with a chuckle, before lowering his head to kiss her once more, no longer able to resist her perfect lips. He kissed her softly, but there was something impatient about her as she pushed him back and deepened the kiss, pushing her tongue in his mouth. 

 _Not like this,_ he thought, but it was no louder than a whisper, for all the blood seemed to have left his brain to travel to a point lower in his body. He wanted her so badly, and the way she was kissing him told him she wanted him too, but he couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong. She just seemed so uninhibited, so… _wild…_ it was very unlike her. 

And then she grabbed his cock. She didn’t stick her hand in his trousers or anything, but she might as well have. Her hand cupped his member through the fabric, and he gasped, jumped away, and grabbed her hand. _What in the Maker’s name has gotten into her?_ He thought, looking at her stubborn and hungry eyes as he exclaimed “Gabriela!”. She stepped towards him, trying to get closer to him again, unbothered by his disengagement, but he stopped her. 

“Not like this,” he said, hoping she would understand that he didn’t mean _never,_ just not right now. “Believe me, I would love nothing more than to take you to my bed, but it would feel wrong for us to do it in this manner. There’s no need to hurry this”. 

He slid an arm around her waist and kissed her on her forehead, and he heard a small grunt escape her lips. _Please understand, my sweet Gabriela, this is for your own protection. I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret later_ , he thought, though he seriously hoped that making love to him would not be something that she would regret. 

She shrugged at him and walked away, leaving Cullen feeling confused and a little helpless, and for a moment he was sure he had ruined it, but then she stopped and looked at him once more before leaving his office. He smiled at her, trying his best to send her the message that he wanted this, that he wanted to be with her. And relief flooded him when she grinned at him in response, right before spinning around and leaving. 

Cullen waited for a few minutes before he locked all three of his doors, climbed up his ladder and unbuttoned his trousers. He needed to relieve himself, _now._

As he took himself in his hand and started stroking, he thought about Gabby, her shiny auburn hair, her piercing green eyes. He thought about her perfect body, her breasts, and he moved his hand faster. He thought about the way she’d just kissed him, pressed the length of her body up against his, and he groaned. He thought about her smile, the way it could light up a room. The sound of her soft voice, of her laughter. Her lips… 

He came quickly, grunting her name softly, and immediately feeling thoroughly ashamed that he had mentally defiled her so. 

_What is this woman doing to you?_


	4. Behind the Shield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys, I'm not sticking to my promise to post one chapter every day. I'm experiencing a little crash of my own at the moment. But I'm still writing, always writing. I just don't really like anything I wrote. 
> 
> So please, please, please let me know what you think. If there's anything, any tips for me to improve, let me know. I love to hear your thoughts.

While they travelled to Halamshiral, Cullen kept a close eye on Gabby but a distance from her physically. He wasn’t sure what she expected from him, or if she even expected _anything._ She seemed very irritable, impatient. She was pushing everybody, even though they were travelling most of the day, to start earlier in the morning and keep going longer in the evening. He heard one of his recruits mutter the word ‘Tyrant’ under his breath once after Gabby had passed them, and he spun around to give the man his deadliest look and a stern scolding. He would not tolerate things like that being said about the Inquisitor. But honestly, he _did_ understand. 

Sometimes their eyes would meet, and for a moment Cullen would feel the confirmation he’d been looking for, that the kiss really happened, that she really felt something for him as well. Her expression would change from frowny, bored and annoyed to happy. It was adorable, and it did his pride good to know that he could have that effect on her. As he passed her one day while reading a report, his hand grazed her back ever so slightly, the desire to touch her just getting the better of him. He didn’t look back to see her reaction, in fear that he would see her eyes and not be able to leave it at that one touch. 

He was busy writing a response to a letter from a scout in Emprise du Lion, when Gabby marched past his tent, in full armour and weapons ready. He dropped his quill and rushed after her, saying “Gabriela? What are you doing?” 

“There’s a rift very close” she simply said, never slowing down. 

 _What in the Maker’s name is she doing going to a rift by herself?_ Cullen thought in alarm, _and why is everybody letting her just stomp off like this?_ He shouted to his soldiers and her companions - who were just standing there looking at her march off - to follow her, his voice thick with anger, before he ran after Gabby. She was much quicker than he was, though, and by the time the rift came into his view, she was already battling a demon and being surrounded by others. 

He was overwhelmed with a mixture of fear and admiration as he watched her gracefully jump around, her daggers flying through the air as if she was merely dancing. He ran to help her, striking down the demons close to her, never leaving her side. She grinned at him at some point, and she looked exhilarated. It seemed strange to Cullen that she had so little caution, that she didn’t seem scared in the slightest. He didn’t know whether to be impressed or worried about her. 

When the demons were all vanquished, Gabby closed the rift and then spun around with a wide grin on her face. “That was _great!”_ she exclaimed. Nobody responded. Everybody seemed as stunned as Cullen was himself, and when she winked at him with that heart-breaking smile, it didn’t make him feel quite as good as it usually did. She just seemed… different, and it made him feel uneasy. He wanted to talk to her then, ask her if she was feeling alright, but before he could get that chance she was already marching back to camp. Cullen sighed, and decided that it might be a better idea to talk to her after returning to Skyhold. 

Leliana came to him that night. “you’ve been very busy this entire trip, Commander” she said with a smile, “though I do not recall that there were this many reports for you when we left Skyhold".

Cullen averted his eye, not sure what the Spymaster was asking of him. "There is always work to be done" he simply responded.

Leliana nodded, still smiling. After a moment of silence, she said in a low voice "our Inquisitor seems... _different,_ does she not?".

Cullen looked up, looking at Leliana and then finding Gabby by the campfire. "She does" he said softly.

"I can see that you worry about her. You care about her a great deal, no?"

Cullen frowned. "Is there something you wanted to talk to me about, Leliana?" he asked.

"Just making sure that you're careful, Commander" Leliana said cryptically before nodding and walking off. Cullen wondered what she meant by that, and if she knew something he didn't. The Spymaster was very good at being discreet, but if she knew something about Gabby, she would tell him, right?

* * *

He was - surprisingly - happy when they finally reached Halamshiral, and to withdraw to the room that had been appointed to him. He didn’t mind travelling so much, but this trip especially had felt a lot longer than it had been. Longing for a woman that was so close to him and then spending every night alone in a tent thinking about her hadn’t made it a fun trip. Then again, the knowledge that the great ball was coming up didn’t exactly make him jump with joy either. 

The sight of her in her dress, though, it made him forget about all of that. She wore a green simple dress, no frills, not typically Orlesian at all. It complemented her green eyes, which were decorated with a light layer of green powder. Her hair was in a tight bun, and combined with the low cut of her dress, the skin from her ears to her shoulders and (perfect) cleavage was bare. All he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss that skin. He couldn’t help himself from whispering how beautiful she looked when she stood next to him, ready to be introduced to the Orlesian court. She beamed at him, and suddenly he didn’t feel so bad about being here. 

From that moment on, the night was hell for him. The moment he found himself a spot to stand and keep an eye on things going on in the ballroom, he was suddenly surrounded by women in lavish dresses and masks, asking him about his personal life, _touching_ him. He knew it would be rude to excuse himself, and he could think of no excuse to do that anyway. 

“Are you married, Commander?” some woman asked him for the umpteenth time, and he was about to say he was already taken when Gabby showed up. 

“Excuse me, ladies, sir” she said, a fire burning in her eyes. She bumped her shoulder against the woman who had asked him the question. “I need to borrow him for a moment” she said in a cold voice. She took his hand and dragged him away from the crowd, and though he was incredibly grateful, he knew she was doing exactly what she shouldn’t be doing. Behaviour like this would cost her a lot of court approval, and as he heard the woman behind them complain about how rude Gabby was, he winced. 

“Gabriela…” he said, but she didn’t respond. She pulled him onto an empty balcony, pushed him behind the door out of eyesight of others and nearly jumped him. 

Her mouth was on his, her tongue forced itself into his mind, and even though he had dreamed about this every night since their first kiss, it felt _wrong._ Her entire body pressed against his and his hand moved to her waist out of its own accord, but there was too much desperation in her kiss, it was too forced. This was _not_ how he wanted them to be intimate, in some secret corner, only because she needed someone to make her feel good. So he pulled away and tried to ask her what she was doing, but her lips were on his before he could finish his sentence. 

She seemed like a completely different person from the woman he was in love with, and the longer the kiss lasted, the less he felt like continuing it. They were on a mission, a very important mission, and Gabby was not acting like she cared about that at all. 

His hands were on her hips, and he pushed her away with more force than he’d intended. She looked at him, frowning. “Gabriela…” he said in a soft voice, very careful not to make her feel like he was rejecting her, “as much as I enjoy this… we can’t do this. We must remain focused on the task at hand”. 

That seemed to trigger something in her. Her expression went from slightly annoyed to shocked, and then her eyes went dark, like they had been that day in the war room when he’d told her she shouldn’t go fight that dragon. “Have you been talking with Blackwall?” she hissed, stepping away from him. 

He blinked at her. _Blackwall...?_ He didn’t understand. Something about what he’d said to her seemed to anger her so much, and he immediately felt thoroughly confused and guilty for saying it, even though he hadn’t the slightest clue what he did wrong. 

“Blackwall? No! Why would you…” he stammered, reaching for her. 

She stepped back again, her eyes widening, and he could almost hear her mind racing. _She is protecting herself,_ he realised with shock, seeing how her posture had changed. _Why? Why does she feel she needs to protect herself from me? What has she been through in her life that makes her act this way?_ It stirred something in him, it chilled him because he recognised what she was doing, and he knew very well what kind of emotional damage it took to behave like that.

“Gabriela? Are you alright?” he asked, his voice filled with worry. He reached for her, trying to put his hand on her cheek, to comfort her. She slapped it away as if he was about to hurt her and stepped back once more. 

“You’re right” she said, “I should focus on the task at hand. I mustn’t get distracted. Thank you for pointing that out to me, Commander. Now, if you’ll excuse me...” 

This was not what Cullen had wanted. He hated seeing her like this. Even though she made herself seem strong, he could see right through it and what he saw disturbed him. Had he thought she seemed fragile before, right now she looked downright broken. “Gabriela…” he said, but she was already walking away from him. 

His headache came back immediately after that. The events on the balcony disturbed him deeply, and he could think of little else the rest of the night. He saw Gabby a few times, speaking to people in the ballroom, to Leliana and Josephine. She seemed completely professional now, but he could still see she was restless, impatient. She didn’t seek him out anymore, and she didn’t make eye contact with him. 

When she did speak to him again, it was only because he stopped her when she stormed into the ballroom, specks of blood on her skin and in her hair, her dress untidy probably from her hastily putting it back on after wearing her armour. He tried to ask her what happened but she simply ordered him to protect the Empress while she spoke to the Grand Duchess. 

Things went south after that. Gabby was unable to stop the attack from happening, and as Florianne’s agents killed the Empress’ guards, the Grand Duchess herself fled. Gabby followed, shouting to Cullen to protect the people in the ballroom. He wanted to come with her, protect her, but she was his Inquisitor and she had given him an order, so he focused his energy on fighting Florianne’s people while silently calling out to the Maker to protect Gabby. 

Things quieted down quickly, but many people had died. It shocked Cullen to see how fast elven servants rushed in to get rid of the bodies, clean the blood off the walls and floor. And the party simply _continued._ It made Cullen resent these people all the more, that they could pretend like there hadn’t just been a massacre in the hall they were now celebrating in. 

The Empress appeared soon after with Gabby behind her, announcing to the court that Orlais would now be allied to the Inquisition. He heard Gabby speak a few words about the war and how combining forces would enable the Inquisition to defeat Corypheus. She was the strength and inspiration that people needed from her, the reason why she had been named Inquisitor in the first place, but Cullen had seen enough evidence to know it was a shield. He wanted nothing more to break through it and touch the softness behind it. If she ever let him after today.

* * *

He found her on the balcony, looking exhausted, sad. “There you are” he said softly. 

He heard her groan softly before she murmured “here I am”, and his heart sunk. 

“Everybody’s been looking for you” he said, leaning on the balustrade next to her. He looked at her, but she seemed to avoid his gaze. Her expression was a combination of annoyance, wariness, but mostly exhaustion. It made him want to take her in his arms, hold her, make her feel better. 

“I know it’s foolish, but I worried for you” he said carefully, hoping that was the right thing to say. 

She finally looked at him now. She seemed surprised, maybe even a little ashamed. She sighed and said “I’m okay. It was just a long night”. 

“It was” he said, and opened his mouth to say more, but he didn’t know what and closed it again. He cleared his throat after a moment. "Gabriela, I'm... I apologise if I said something to upset you earlier. I didn't mean to -"

“Cullen, it’s alright” she interrupted him, sighing. “I was just a little on edge. This is not my crowd, is all”. 

Relief flooded Cullen and he chuckled. “Not mine, either. I’m glad the night is over”. 

She looked at him again, and again he was struck by her beauty, which -despite her tiredness - was so much more apparent when she was calm like this. He smiled at her. “I may not get this opportunity again, so I must ask” he said, stepping away from her and silently hoping that he _would_ get another opportunity like this. He lowered his upper body and offered her his hand. “could I have this dance, my lady?”. 

A wide smile appeared on her face then and she took his hand eagerly, and Cullen’s headache disappeared completely as she stepped into the circle of his arms to dance with him. “Of course!” she said enthusiastically, “I thought you didn’t dance?”. He wondered how she knew that, not remembering ever having told her, but that didn’t matter. 

“For you, I’ll try” he said, and then they danced. Or, in Cullen’s case, attempted to. 

And as they danced, he thought he could feel her shield melt away slowly as her eyes softened, and what he saw underneath it made him fall in love with her once more. In that moment, he promised to himself that he would make it his mission to make her feel safe and loved whenever she needed him to.


	5. Family and Confrontation

Cullen was sitting at his desk, looking at the stacks of messages, not knowing where to begin. They had returned from Halamshiral earlier that day, and he’d been happy to be back at Skyhold until he saw the amount of work waiting for him. It was as if all of Thedas had suddenly decided to call on the Inquisition for help all at once. He spent the weeks after sifting through all of it, replying to messages, deploying troops to areas terrorised by bandits, demons and rebel mages and meeting with Gabby and her other advisors in the war room. 

The woman who had been Empress Celene’s ‘occult advisor’, Morrigan, had now joined the Inquisition as a liaison between them and the Empress, and though Gabby seemed to like the witch, Cullen had trouble trusting her. There was just something… _off_ about her, and the more he learned about her history from Leliana, the more her presence worried him. He felt his old hatred of magic bubble up whenever he saw her, feeling the power in her despite the decreasing amount of Lyrium in his body. She had no respect whatsoever for the Chantry, no desire to be controlled, and she seemed more than willing to use her power for her own gain. The only thing she seemed to care about was more power and knowledge, and she came across as arrogant and sarcastic whenever she accompanied Gabby to the war room. He felt protective of Gabby whenever the witch was with him, because she always saw the good in everybody around her. He sincerely hoped she would be right about Morrigan, but he feared his Inquisitor was too naive to see the truth.  

Gabby stayed close to Skyhold, since the banquet was coming up and her family would be arriving soon. Every day she came see him in his office, and she did so today as well. Despite the poor state he was currently in he was happy to see her. She always looked very happy to see him, and the smile that appeared on her face when he looked up from his desk brightened his day. 

“You look like you need a break” she said to him, leaning towards him to give him a small peck on the cheek. 

He smiled. “You may be right” he said, softly stroking her cheek. His eyes shifted back to the report in front of him. “Wait for me?” he asked, looking at her apologetically. 

She chuckled and shook her head in mock disapproval, kissed him on his lips lightly and said “don’t make me wait too long”. 

He’d never written a response so hastily. He finished it quickly, rolled it up and sealed it and absentmindedly handed it to the messenger that came into his office to bring  _more_ work for him. He would look at it later. He had different priorities at the moment. 

As he stepped outside, he enjoyed the fresh air for a moment. He spent so much time in his office, he hardly realised how thick the air got in the tiny room. Gabby was waiting right outside, leaning on the stones of the battlements with her eyes closed, apparently enjoying the air as much as he was. He smiled and stepped closer to her, touching her lower back softly to let her know he was here. She already knew he was, of course, because she turned around, opened her eyes, and smiled warmly at him. 

The only thing he could think of doing was take her into his arms and kiss her, deeply and profoundly, and she seemed to melt under his touch. Whenever she was with him, she appeared calm, happy, the way he loved her. But he could tell that she was still restless. She went to the tavern every night now, and very often he would hear her drunken laughter in the courtyard while he was lying awake in bed. In their meetings in the war room, she always looked distressed, as if she’d much rather be out in the field than locked up at Skyhold. He could understand it. He often missed the days in Kirkwall when his days were filled with patrolling, dealing with bandits and training new Templar recruits. These days it was his lieutenant who usually oversaw the training of recruits, and he hardly found the time to even keep himself in shape, though he made it a priority to do so. 

Gabby pulled away from him, perhaps noticing that his mind was drifting, and her green eyes slowly glided over his face. Her hand raised to touch his cheek and her thumb traced the circles under his eyes. “Have you not been sleeping well?” she asked. 

The answer was no, he had not. Rare were the nights he would sleep through without waking up, and much more often the nightmares plaguing him would wake him up screaming, sweating, panting. It was no longer just Solona taunting him in his dreams, now he saw Gabby’s face as well, distorted in pain, getting tortured in his stead. His desire to protect her extended to his dreams it seemed, only he could never reach her since they were always separated by the barrier that had held him at Kinloch Hold. 

“It… has not been easy” he simply said, not wanting to worry her. 

She hesitated for a moment, like she didn’t know quite what to say next. “Have you been eating?”. 

He chuckled. “I have been eating” he said, softly squeezing her waist. “Though I must admit, I do not always have time to have a proper dinner”. 

She didn’t smile. She still had that contemplative look in her eyes, and once more Cullen wished he could see into her mind, hear her thoughts. Even though he saw her every day now and they had been together for a couple of weeks – were they really together, though? He was still not sure about what exactly she wanted from him, though it often seemed like she wanted the same thing he did – he still felt like he had only scratched the surface with her. 

“Okay” Gabby said while nodding sternly, as if she’d just come to a decision. He raised his eyebrow at her, amused. He waited for her to elaborate, but she just smiled and kissed him again instead. 

From that day on, she came to his office every day at sunset with a plate of dinner. She brought something different every day, and she would sit on the edge of his desk chatting with him, picking stuff off of his plate while he ate. He loved to have her so close but it bothered him more than it should have to see her worry about him. She had so many worries already, the last thing he wanted to do was add to them. So he told her one evening that though he appreciated it, she didn’t need to bring him food daily. And though she firmly shook her head and said she wanted to do it, he could see she felt slightly rejected, as though he had meant to say that he didn’t want to see her so often. He reached for her and squeezed her knee, silently sending the message that he _did_ enjoy her presence. 

And he did. He hadn’t been truly happy in a very long time, and whenever she was in his arms and her lips were on his, he really was. She could make the headaches disappear, and even make the war fade into the background for a moment. Sometimes he would get a flashback to his most recent nightmare and he would tighten his grip on her, and she would just as tightly hold on to him in response, wordlessly letting him know she _knew._ She understood. Sometimes that comforted him, but very often it chilled him as well, because he knew what had happened to him, what had got him to this point. That she seemed to understand him as well as she did made his heart ache for her and whatever she had been through in her life. And though she never actually told him anything about her old life, he never asked because he wanted her to tell him whenever she was ready to. All he could do was make her feel safe enough to do so, and he would exactly that. 

* * *

When a messenger came to his office to tell him that people were approaching Skyhold, he knew it must be Gabby’s family. He put whatever he was working on to the side and made his way to the courtyard, were Gabby soon joined him with a surprised look on her face.

“Inquisitor” he said, trying to sound as formal as possible, but smiling nonetheless. 

“Commander” she said, her playful tone a sharp contrast to his. “What are you doing here if I might ask? Aren’t you supposed to be locked in your tower?” 

“There are important guests arriving. It would not be very courteous of me to not show my face. I should make a good impression on my lady’s family, shouldn’t I?” he said, looking at her, and enjoying the small change he saw in her expression when he said the words _my lady._  

When her family rode through the gates and stepped off their horses, he waited patiently for Gabby to hug her mother, father and three brothers, discreetly analyzing each and every one of them. Her father seemed a formal but loving man, and the way he hugged his daughter told Cullen that the man deeply cared for her. Her mother looked like a typical noblewoman to him, and he did not quite know what to think of her yet. 

It was easy for him to see which of her brothers were Jayden, Alexander and Matthew, from the stories she’d told. Alex was the ‘fun’ one, Gabby had said, and Cullen chuckled when her youngest brother hugged her so tightly that all the air was knocked out of her lungs. Jayden seemed very similar to his father – calm, reserved, but warm. His fondness of his youngest sibling did not go unnoticed. The third brother to greet her was Matthew, without a doubt, because he came across as stiff, cold. He didn’t hug her and their greeting was awkward, and when a silence fell and Cullen saw how increasingly uneasy Gabby was getting, he decided to step it. 

He cleared his throat, and Gabby looked grateful for his interruption. “Oh, yes!” she said, blushing now. “Mother, Father, Jay, Alex, Matthew… this is Cullen Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition". She said it with pride, and that warmed Cullen’s heart. 

Her mother raised an eyebrow, scanning Cullen before offering him her hand. “Marielle Trevelyan” she said, “pleased to meet you, Commander Rutherford”. He took her hand and placed a polite kiss on it. 

“You as well, Lady Trevelyan. Welcome to Skyhold” he said. 

Robert Trevelyan briskly shook his hand, before Alex slapped him on the shoulder in a brotherly way and said “so you are the man who has to deal with my little sister every day! I don’t envy you, friend”. Cullen saw the way Alex winked at Gabby and the way she stuck out her tongue to her brother, and for a moment he missed his sister enormously. 

He shook Jayden’s hand and then Matthew’s, and said “I’m honoured to meet you all. Gabriela always speaks very highly of you”. 

Very shortly after, Gabby said she would escort her family to their rooms, because especially her mother seemed eager to freshen up from the long trip. Before leaving, she squeezed Cullen in the arm and whispered “Thank you…” with a glint in her eyes. He smiled at her warmly and covered her hand with his own before releasing her. He watched her walk off, Alex wrapping an arm around her shoulders as they walked. He sighed, and then returned to his office.

* * *

Gabby didn’t bring him dinner that night, and though Cullen knew it was because she was having dinner with her family, he missed her presence. His head pounded again, and he went to bed late, already knowing he would not sleep well that night.

He was right. 

He was exhausted and a little irritable when a messenger came for him in the morning, telling him to come to the war room. Cullen frowned. _A meeting? Now?_ It seemed strange for Gabby to call for a meeting when she was so preoccupied with the presence of her family and the upcoming banquet. 

When he expressed that thought, the messenger shook his head. “It was the Inquisitor’s brother who called the meeting”. 

Cullen did not need to ask which brother. He got up from his seat and made his way to the war room without delay. When he ran into Gabby’s messenger Jenna, he gripped her arm. The young girl spun around, looking terrified, but Cullen smiled at her. 

“Would you please pass a message to Gabriela for me?” he said. 

Jenna’s eyes widened. “Of-of course! Commander” she stammered. 

“Tell her we are meeting in the war room right now, with her advisors” Cullen said. 

Jenna nodded fervently. “I’ll go tell her right now!” she said, spun around and ran off. 

Cullen sighed. He didn’t quite know why had just done this, but he had a gnawing feeling that whatever would be said in the war room, she deserved to be there. 

As he’d expected, it was Matthew waiting for him, Josephine and Leliana. His expression was grave, and he was leaning on the war table with both of his hands, almost as if the message he was about to give them weighed him down. Cullen exchanged looks with Josephine and Leliana and they seemed as surprised and confused as he, though there was something about the look in Leliana’s eyes that told him the spymaster knew more than he and Josephine did. 

“Matthew” Cullen said with a nod. “I hope you’re enjoying your stay here so far?”. 

Matthew nodded. “Skyhold is very impressive, thank you, Commander” he said stiffly. 

“Pardon me, but we are a little… curious as to why you called this meeting” Josephine said, polite as ever. 

“Yes” Matthew said, nodding. “I will get straight to the point, then. You need to find yourselves a different Inquisitor”. 

Cullen looked at Matthew, baffled, lost for words. 

“Why?” Leliana simply asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

“You don’t know of her, and I know how charming she can be” Matthew said, “she’s always good at making people believe in her, she has the amazing ability to inspire everybody around her, much more than I ever did. But she is not well”. 

“What do you mean?” Cullen said, stepping forward. On the one hand, he knew how wrong it was that Gabby’s brother was betraying her trust like this, but on the other hand he really wanted to know what Matthew was talking about. 

“She is… ill. She is not right, in her head. My parents have done all they can to help her, _heal_ her, but it’s like she does not want to be helped. And now she has so many responsibilities, and the fate of the world rests on her shoulders. She is the worst person to carry a weight like that. The letters we received from her… they worried us, because we recognise the signals, when she is losing control again”. 

Cullen felt a chill run down his spine. He didn’t like the way Matthew was talking about Gabby, but somewhere he couldn’t deny that her behaviour had been… different, lately. She seemed so different from when he met her in Haven. 

“She can’t be in a position like this, with her illness” Matthew continued, summarizing what he had just said, “She is not stable”. 

And then the door burst open and a _very_ angry Gabby burst into the war room. The fire in her eyes terrified even Cullen, and it wasn’t even directed at him. He had never seen her this furious before.  

“How dare you?” she spat at her brother, and to Cullen’s surprise and slight amusement, Matthew backed away from her, obviously afraid of his little sister. “You call for a meeting? In _my_ war room, with _my_ advisors? How _dare_ you?!” 

“Thank you, Matthew” Leliana said calmly now, discharging the situation before it got out of hand, “Please excuse us”. 

Matthew nodded and moved to the door a little too fast, obviously happy to leave. He was stupid enough to turn around though, and say “I am doing this for your own well-being, sister. You might not realise that now, but…” 

Gabby interrupted him by hissing “ _Leave_ , Matthew”, and her brother left the room immediately. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at Cullen, Leliana and Josephine. “Well?” she demanded. 

Cullen recognised it immediately – her tone of voice, her stance, the look in her eyes. She was on the defensive, trying to seem as tough and unbreakable as possible. It was what she did whenever she was deeply hurt, making herself appear strong when she felt broken. He wondered if she did that consciously or if it was a natural defense mechanism. 

“Is it true what your brother said?” Josephine asked. 

“Aren’t you the ones who made me Inquisitor? Because you believed in me? Does it really take the words of one man to undo that?” Gabby spat, narrowing her eyes, her anger visibly bubbling up again. 

“Do you think I am a fool, Inquisitor?” Leliana said, her voice cold, “I knew about your past long before we gave you your title”. 

Gabby’s anger seemed to melt, her arms dropped and her eyes widened. So did Cullen’s as he looked at Leliana and thought to himself, _what?_ He always suspected Leliana knew more about Gabriela than he did - it was just what Leliana was all about - but exactly how much did she know? 

“What?” Gabby said, her voice now completely different. Cullen even thought he heard a hint of fear in it. 

“I must admit it did worry me a little in the beginning, but you proved yourself to be a worthy leader. And people see you as a hero. You were, and still are, the best person for the job” Leliana said. Gabby closed her eyes, relieved, but they snapped open again when Leliana said “However… you have been behaving erratically, unpredictably lately. Should we be worried?” 

“No…” Gabby said after a moment of hesitation, her voice now so small that she seemed a completely different person compared to moments ago. Cullen wanted to step forward, reach for her, tell her that things would be alright, but it would be entirely unprofessional for him to do that now. 

“Good” Leliana said simply. 

 _Wait, what?_ Cullen thought, looking from Gabby to Leliana, _are we not going to talk about this?_ He decided to cut in. “Excuse me, Leliana, but what is this about? What past? And what illness was Matthew talking about?” 

“It does not matter, Commander” Leliana said simply. 

Cullen frowned. “If this is a matter of concern to the Inquisition, don’t we deserve to know?” he said disapprovingly. But then, looking at Gabby, he immediately regretting that question when he saw how fragile she looked. 

“It is not, as the Inquisitor has just promised us. When it comes to whether you deserve to know, it is not my story to tell, but hers” Leliana said. “Now please excuse me, I have work to do”. It was an obvious statement, and the Spymaster left the war room immediately after that. 

Josephine put a hand on Gabby’s arm softly and said something soothing before leaving as well, and then he was alone with Gabby. Cullen looked into her eyes and something he saw there alarmed him. “What is going on, Gabriela?” he asked her, begging for her to tell him something, _anything._ She was breathing heavily, as though she had trouble doing it, and tears filled her eyes. _She’s crying?_ Cullen thought, his eyes widening.

“Like Leliana said, it doesn’t matter” she said, her voice unsteady, and she turned around in an attempt to flee, but he wouldn’t let her. 

He grabbed her arm. “Don’t” he said, “Talk to me”, and he felt more than saw her beginning to shake under his touch while she tried to break away from him. He didn’t want to trap her but everything inside him told him not to let go of her, not like this. 

“I have to -” she said, her voice broken, her breathing coming out in quick, short gasps “Can’t… breathe…”. Cullen spun her around, putting his hands on her face, which had now turned white. Her whole body shook, and Cullen was getting deeply worried now.

“Are you ill? Should I call for a healer?” he asked, but that only panicked her more. 

She shook her head wildly. “No!” she sobbed, “No… please… just let me…” 

She didn’t finish her sentence. She collapsed in his arms suddenly, and Cullen gasped as he caught her, panic rising up in him now, too. He didn’t know what to do, he felt powerless. He held her close, curling one arm around her waist and stroking her hair with his other hand while she cried uncontrollably into his cloak. His heart broke for her.

When her shaking subsided and her crying softened, he sighed in relief. He was about to say something, anything, racking his brain for the right words, when she forcefully pushed herself away from him with both of her hands, leaving him stunned. 

“Please forget this happened” she said almost inaudibly, and then she spun around and ran out of the war room, away from him. It didn’t even occur to him to follow her, as baffled as he was. 

_What in the Maker’s name just happened?_


	6. True colours

Cullen was in the armoury, looking at the swords in one of the racks. He wasn't looking for anything particular - he didn’t really need a new sword as much as he needed a reason to get out of his office. He still wasn’t sure what to think about what happened that morning, and he hadn’t seen Gabriela after. He wondered if he did something wrong, if he should have handled the situation differently. 

The lack of sleep was getting to him, he felt it. He had trouble reading with his headaches and he knew he was now downright unkind to his recruits and messengers. And this situation with Gabby put him even more on edge. That was another reason why he left his office. The box that held his vial of Lyrium - which he kept for emergencies - was always too close, no matter where in his office he hid it. The Lyrium called to him, sung to him, drew him in. He’d sat behind his desk with the vial in his hands several times in the past weeks, wondering what would happen if he’d just take one small sip, to take the edge off his withdrawal. He was realistic, though, and he knew that if he took that step it would not be just one sip. So he would put the vial back in the box and the box back onto the shelf of his bookcase. Every time it was harder to put it away. _Shouldn’t it get easier?_ He thought, _Shouldn’t my body be getting used to this by now?_

He distracted himself by burying himself in work, of which there was enough at the moment. And of course, she was always a welcome distraction. Kissing her, touching her… _Maker,_ that made him feel so much better. That was exactly why the events of this morning bothered him so. 

She came to his office hours later, when the sun had already set. He’d been holding the Lyrium vial again and he put it away when he heard her footsteps, just in time before she walked through his door. 

“Inquisitor!” he said, immediately standing up, feeling like he got caught. “What can I do for you?” 

“I wanted to apologise… for what happened before” Gabby said softly, guilt written all over her face. 

Cullen raised his eyebrows in surprise. “There really is no need, I…” he started to say, but his sentence trailed off as Gabby raised her hand to stop him. 

“Please let me finish” she said, “I’ve made some mistakes in the past. But I believe that the things I do here make up for them. I would prefer to keep those mistakes in the past. But my brother would never let me forget, and his presence and what he said in the war room… it messed with my head. I promise it will not happen again”. 

His headache disappeared instantly as it was replaced by his need to comfort her again. He circled around his desk, took her hands in his and locked his eyes on hers. “There’s no need to apologise” he said. “You have troubles of your own, and I’m well aware of that. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But know that I am here for you”. 

Gabby blinked at him before stepping backwards, releasing her hands from his. Cullen felt it, how she sought distance from him. He saw the trace of fear in her eyes. _What is she afraid of? Of me getting too close? Why?_ He thought. 

She smiled at him then, which surprised him, and said “Would you like to join me for a drink, Commander?”. 

He didn’t know what to think of that. On the one hand he wanted nothing more than to escape his duties, spend the rest of the night with her, but on the other hand he couldn’t ignore the way she kept distancing herself from him, not only just now but that morning, and in Halamshiral. Sometimes he was sure that she wanted from him what he wanted from her, but other times he strongly doubted that. This was one of those times. 

He rubbed his neck awkwardly, no quite sure how to respond. “Well, um…” he said hesitantly, “I have a lot of work, and – “. 

She stopped him again. “You do the work of ten people, Commander. For one night, you should be able to forget about all of that and enjoy yourself. It’s good for you to get out once in a while, you know”. 

“I suppose, but…” he tried again, but she shook her head. 

“But nothing. You’re coming with, Inquisitor’s orders” she said with a smile. 

“Well, alright…” he said, dropping his arm and smiling back at her. In response, she took his hand in her own and dragged him with her. As he looked back towards his desk and the letter he was leaving unfinished, he heard her chuckle. 

She dragged him into the tavern, and Cullen sighed in relief to see that it was very quiet inside. He wouldn’t have to explain his presence here to too many people. “hey, Boss!” he heard the Iron Bull shout to Gabby when she waved at the Qunari, and he saw her smile. Seeing that smile made Cullen relax a bit more. They sat down at an empty table in the corner and gestured to Cabot to bring them two beers. She looked at Cullen then and he smiled shyly. 

She grinned at him and asked “Do you never go to this tavern?”. 

He shook his head. “There’s always so much work to be done, and it seems like a waste of time to sit here and get drunk when other things can be done”. 

She chuckled and said “Well, then I waste a lot of my time, I suppose”. 

 _Rutherford, you idiot,_ he thought,  _what a stupid thing to say!_

“Forgive me, I didn’t mean – “ he stammered, but she laughed instead. 

“Cullen, relax! How can you be so charming and confident one moment and the next…” she said, but didn’t finish her sentence. He knew why – because they both knew she did the same thing. She shook her head. “Let’s just have a good time, okay?”. 

Cullen smiled at her “Alright” he said, just as Cabot put two tankards of ale on the table for them. 

Gabby raised hers with a smile and said “To having a night off”. Cullen chuckled as he raised his own and took a sip. 

He looked at her then and nearly lost himself in the depths of her bright emerald eyes. Suddenly, he didn’t care about being in this tavern, his doubts about her feelings for him, being a recovering Lyrium addict. He wanted so much to kiss her, wrap his arms around her, feel her soothing effect on him, comfort her in exchange whenever she needed him to.

“Are you glad to have your family here?” he asked her, feeling like he should talk about s _omething,_ instead of stare at her like a retarded person. 

Gabby snorted. “Aside from what happened this morning, you mean?” she said. 

 _Idiot_ , Cullen thought to himself, gritting his teeth. He really was good at saying the wrong things today. 

“I am. Glad, I mean” Gabby said softly then. “Though I must admit, it’s difficult. I’ve changed so much since leaving Ostwick, and I’m afraid they won’t see that”. 

“They will” Cullen said, “give them some time, and they will see what everybody else here sees in you. What _I_ see in you”. 

Gabby smiled widely at him, a glint appearing in her eyes. She leaned forward on the table, on her elbows, resting her head on her folded hands. She raised an eyebrow. “And what _do_ you see in me, Commander?”. She was obviously flirting with him, and it made his heart race, giving Cullen a clear reminder of why she could so easily charm everybody around her.  

He chuckled warmly. “Are you fishing for compliments, my lady?” he said, copying her playful tone. 

“One if you have any to give” she said, and though she still said it jokingly, he could tell she really wanted to know what he thought. 

“More than a few” he said, leaning forward as well, never breaking eye contact. “You are strong, resourceful, a true inspiration to those around you. Selfless, loyal, _beautiful_ …" - he emphasised that last word - "would you like me to continue?”. 

His grin faded when he saw the undeniable sadness in her eyes despite her smile. She cleared her throat before he could say anything else and she said “well, that’s quite enough stroking of my ego for one day. How is your family? Have you been in contact with them?” 

It was a quick switch, but Cullen adapted quickly and respected her unspoken desire not to talk about whatever had just been bothering her. Sometimes he wished she would open herself up to him more, but if anybody understood how hard it was to talk about certain things, it was him. He would remain patient.

“My sister Mia tracked me down. I send her letters sometimes to let her know I’m still alive. If I don’t I’m afraid she’ll travel here to kick my behind personally” He said, chuckling. 

She asked him for more information, so he told her about his family. His enthusiastic older sister Mia, his younger sibling Branson and Rosalie. How Mia had been his biggest supporter in his wish to join the Templar Order, how Branson and Rosalie had mercilessly teased him. She listened with great interest to his childhood memories, and he took her hand in his as he talked. Their eyes were locked and to Cullen it felt as if they were the only two people in the tavern. 

It wasn’t long before Varric joined them, and Cullen released Gabby’s hand. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed to be seen with her, just that he didn’t know how she felt about being so intimate in the presence of her friends. The Iron Bull invited himself to the table as well, and then Sera – who jumped onto his hand from the balustrade above him – and Cullen silently considered excusing himself. The last thing he felt like doing was having a romantic night alone with Gabby _and her friends._ But then he looked at her, those bright green eyes, that apologetic half-smile, and once again there was no place he’d rather be than right here. 

So he drank with her and her friends, joined them for several games of Wicked Grace – at which he _sucked –_ when her brothers Jayden and Alexander joined them as well. Gabby was still smiling but he thought he felt some tension in her, so he took hold of her hand under the table and smiled at her. 

Varric started telling stories then, and Cullen found himself laughing loudly along with the rest, despite himself. He understood why the dwarf was so well-known for his storytelling now. It had gotten late at this point and Cullen could feel the warmth of the several ales that he’d drunk. He felt completely relaxed, he was even having _fun,_ which surprised him. When Gabby squeezed his hand softly he looked at her, and she was staring at him so lovingly that every doubt he’d ever felt about her feelings for him melted away. This was the woman he wanted to be with, now and forever, he thought to himself. 

And then Sera opened her mouth and ruined everything. 

“Ooh! I got one!” the elf exclaimed, smacking her beer on the table. Cullen heard Gabby sigh and laugh next to him. He didn’t know the elf well, but he’d always thought her a little bit odd. He wondered what kind of stories she’d have to tell. Probably stories with a lot of filthy words in them. 

“So you remember that place in the Hinterlands, where we kept stepping in bear shit, yeah?” Sera continued, making Varric laugh. 

“Is that where you and the boss hooked up?” Bull said with a big grin. 

“Yeah, there!” Sera said without blinking. “Anyway, so…” 

 _Wait, what?_ Cullen thought to himself, looking at Gabby wide-eyed, and that’s exactly what he said. “You and Sera…?” he asked, baffled. To be honest, thinking about her with another woman was not exactly an image he disliked, but _Sera?_  

Gabby threw him an awkward, apologetic smile and she shrugged. And Sera mercilessly continued. “Not just me, Curly!” she said, laughing, and Cullen could feel Gabby try to nudge the elf under the table with her foot. He frowned. _Is she hiding something from me?_ He thought. “Inky gets around” Sera said, laughing, apparently not noticing Gabby’s panic. “She’d had some fun with Bull here, too, and even beardy! Though I haven’t seen beardy around lately, so I s’pose that didn’t end well”. 

Sera then continued her story as if nothing had happened. But everything had happened. As Cullen looked at Gabby, her eyes wide and his narrowed, a thousand thoughts crossed his mind. _Rutherford, you’re such a fool!_ Was a favourite it seemed, for it kept repeating itself. He wondered if all she had been doing was play a game, and when she’d win she’d just find a different man – or woman, apparently – to play with. He remembered how she had attacked him the day they’d first kissed. It seemed so obvious now - and he felt so blind for not seeing it before – that she’d only been looking for something physical then. He had been such a fool to think there was something more. And the way she pulled away from him whenever he came too close only confirmed it. She didn’t want him close like that– not emotionally anyway.  

He wondered how he’d never heard the stories. Usually things like this quickly became gossip spreading like the plague in the barracks. But he had been holed up in his office for a while. And maybe these events were more recent than he thought – maybe she was sleeping with these people while seeing him, while he believed they were growing into something more together. 

He saw eight pairs of eyes staring at him, not including Gabby’s, while Sera just kept babbling on about whatever she was talking about. His headache was back instantly and he felt like an enormous fool again, in front of all of her friends, _her brothers,_ who apparently knew exactly what she was like. He thought about Matthew coming to him and Leliana and Josephine. _She’s not right in her head,_ her brother had said. Cullen wondered now if it had been a warning as much as he had been trying to protect his sister. 

“Cullen…” he heard her whisper, and hearing that sound was almost enough for him to calm down again, but he called himself to order. He would not fall for this woman’s charms again. He raised himself from the table stiffly, and Sera _finally_ shut her mouth. 

“Where’s you going, Cully? My story’s not done yet!” the elf exclaimed. 

“It’s late. I should retire. Early morning tomorrow” Cullen responded. He nodded at everybody at the table except Gabby, not looking at her again for fear of losing himself in her eyes. He despised himself now for being so weak, so gullible. He left the tavern without looking back and as he passed a training dummy on his way to the stairs, he took a dagger from his belt and threw it into the dummy’s heart. It did not make him feel better. 

He went to bed immediately, feeling suddenly overwhelmingly exhausted. He fell asleep in only seconds, probably helped by the alcohol in his blood. The dreams started almost immediately. 

He was in the tower again, imprisoned by the magical barrier. The desire demon now carried Gabriela’s face, twisted and evil and somehow still undeniably beautiful. She whispered to him, barely audible, that she was going to play with him for a little longer, that she was his pet. _Don’t you love me?_  

“My dear Templar, do you really think you’re free?” Demon Gabriela hissed in his ear, her tongue flicking against his earlobe. He wanted to pull away but he couldn’t move. “I broke you long ago” the demon whispered, and it sounded like a seduction. “You have been mine all this time, my sweet, sweet Cullen. That life you built for yourself? All in your head. You’ve been here, with me, all along, playing my games. But you love me, don’t you? Isn’t this what you always wanted?”. 

The demon pressed itself against him and he felt Gabriela’s body, and despite his fear and anger he felt his own body respond. “Don’t you desire me?” the demon whispered while kissing his neck, “Don’t you want me? I know you do - I can feel it”. It lowered its hand and cupped his hardening manhood, the way Gabriela had that day. But he could not pull away this time. 

He woke with a gasp, droplets of sweat all over his body, soaking his sheets. The moon was still high in the sky. The winter wind that blew through the hole in his ceiling almost froze him. Looking down he saw what the dream had left him with – a very firm erection. He groaned, grinding his teeth. He grabbed a pillow, covered his face with it and screamed, as loudly as he could, as long as he could. Tears were running down his face by the time he finished. 

 _I cannot do this much longer_ , he thought, shivering in his bed. _I’ll go mad long before we even face Corypheus._ He hated himself for being so obsessed with Gabriela, and that now she might be his undoing. This was not the man he was supposed to be, this was not what he left the Templar Order for. Starting tomorrow, he would be professional again, towards Gabriela – the Inquisitor – and anybody else.

And if this continued, he would need to talk to Cassandra very soon.


	7. Broken Souls

He could have expected Gabriela to be at his door in the morning, but he was still not prepared to see her. His nightmares were fresh in his memory, and the amount of sleep they stole from him put him in a bad state. When she stepped into his office and cleared her throat to get his attention, his anger bubbled up instantly. The fact that she was _smiling_ at him only made it worse. 

“Inquisitor. Can I help you with something?” he said, his voice cold and hard. Her smile faded immediately and her face turned pale. 

“I… I just wanted to… to see you…” she stammered. Cullen wondered if this was another game, if she was trying to play on his emotions. He wouldn’t let her. 

His eyes narrowed as he snarled “For what? To use me for your physical pleasure before discarding me?” She backed away from him, seemingly stung by his words. “I was a fool to think there was more to this than that" he continued, "And what a fool I was last night, finding out like that in front of your companions, your _brothers._ Blackwall, the Iron Bull, Sera? Was I to be just another of your conquests? I do not appreciate games being played with me, Inquisitor, so unless you’re here for something regarding the Inquisition, I suggest you leave”. 

The look in her eyes shocked him then. Her eyes were wide, filled with anguish and she was near tears. He saw something in them, something he recognised, something that shook him to the core of his soul. Her expression hurt him by just seeing it. He immediately regretted snapping at her. 

“I… I wanted to talk to you…” she stammered, and Cullen could see now that she was shaking badly. All of his anger disappeared, and his old instinct to hold her and comfort her returned. He wanted to apologise for talking to her the way he had, but before he could say anything she spun around and ran off, clearly fleeing from him. 

Cullen instantly knew that he had been terribly mistaken. 

They had never discussed what they were doing, if what they had was a real relationship. He’d just foolishly assumed so. But she did care about him, everything in her eyes and posture had told him so just now. Whatever her intentions were, it was certainly not to play games with him. Suddenly all his drunken convictions from the night before seemed ridiculous, and instead of just talking to her he had yelled at her, when it had already been so difficult for her to open up to him before. 

“Damn it!” He hissed through grit teeth, fearing that he might have broken what they had together, _whatever_ that was, and rushed after her. He followed her through the great hall, and when his eyes met Varric’s, the look of confusion in the dwarf’s eyes turned into one of comprehension. 

“She came to see you?” Varric asked. 

“She did. I’m afraid I… didn’t say the right things” Cullen said, his eyes flitting between Varric and the door that had closed behind Gabby. 

“Go after her then, Curly. Talk to her.” Varric said, and Cullen nodded, rushing towards Gabby’s chambers. 

When he reached the top of the stairs, he spotted Gabby immediately, and what he saw made his heart stop. Gabby was marching back and forth through her room, muttering to herself, both hands pressed against her head, her eyes shut. Her face was contorted in anger and panic, her breathing becoming heavier and more unsteady as she walked, until it was coming in sharp gasps, as if she had trouble breathing. She was still shaking, sobbing, her tears flowing down her face and dripping onto the carpet. 

Cullen was frozen in place, unsure of what to do, of whether she’d want him to comfort her right now after he was the one who caused this reaction in the first place. When her knees buckled and she dropped onto the floor - which she started punching with all her strength - he jumped forward, not caring anymore about what had happened the night before, not caring if she’d want him here or not. He could not stand to see her like this. 

When he circled his arms around her, he felt her body stiffen. She looked up at him, her eyes meeting his with surprise. And then she covered her face and cried uncontrollably. He pulled her against his chest, making soothing sounds. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t angry at all anymore, or why his reaction had hurt her so. And he didn’t understand what it was that he saw in her eyes when she stood in front of him in his office, that had touched him so. There was something so eerily familiar about the damage he saw in her whenever she let her guard down, that it kept drawing him to her. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but even now he noticed his headache was fading as he held her. And he felt her calm down as well. 

They seemed bound to each other in a way, like he was the only one who could take her pain away and she was the only one who could take his away. Two broken souls, only whole when put together. _Even though I'm the one who upset her in the first place._

“I came here to apologise for the way I spoke to you” he whispered, stroking her hair softly. “I never meant to upset you so, Gabriela. I shouldn’t have been so harsh, you are not mine to claim, after all. The lack of sleep does nothing good for my mood, either, though I suppose you are partially to blame for that”. He meant it as a friendly jest but her trembling only increased. She buried her face in the fur of his cloak and shook her head fervently. 

Cullen didn’t know what else to say. At least it was a good thing that she was letting him comfort her, that she didn’t push him away as she had before. 

“Is she alright?” he heard Varric’s voice say, and he turned to see the dwarf, Dorian and Leliana stand at the top of the stairs.

 _Damn it,_ Cullen thought. This was the last thing either of them needed. Gabby wouldn’t want anybody to see her in this state, broken down, crying in the arms of her Commander. The look of disapproval on Leliana’s face told him the spymaster already knew what was happening and why. She wasn’t happy. He didn’t disagree. At the head of the Inquisition were now a grieving bard, an ambassador with an assassin on her heels, a recovering addict and an Inquisitor with mental issues. Not exactly the best example of strong leadership. 

He shook his head at the onlookers, silently pleading with them to leave, and he was relieved to see that Varric got the message and pulled the other two with him as he left the room. 

 _This needs to stop,_ he thought. So he put his hands on her face to force her to face him. She did so hesitantly. 

“Talk to me” he said softly. 

She shook her head and opened her mouth, but a sob escaped instead of words. He saw the fear in her eyes as she shook her head again. He caressed her cheeks, wiping away a tear with his thumb. 

“Please,” he said, “I won’t judge, I won’t think any less of you. I’m worried, your friends are worried. Please, Gabriela, talk to me”. 

And she finally did. “I ruined everything” she sobbed, “I can’t be what people want me to be. I’m weak, not strong. I’m a failure, not a hero. I make choices that hurt people, that get people killed. I care about you, and I drove you away. Leliana said she disapproves of my choices. My brother told me this would happen, but I wouldn’t listen. And he was right. The Inquisition deserves a better leader than I am”. 

Cullen was the one shaking his head now. He knew what she felt, because he _felt_ it. How often had he wondered if he was strong enough to be in this position? How many nights had he dreamed of failing? He had even considered speaking to Cassandra the night before, to find a replacement, somebody who could to the job better than he could. But how could _she_ feel this way? Why?   

“Stop it” he said when he couldn’t hear it anymore. She continued, swept away by the river of regret and self-doubt in which he swam so often as well. “Stop!” he snapped. 

She stopped talking, looking at him with those wide emerald eyes which he loved so much. “I’m sorry” she whimpered, “I’m sorry…”, and he pulled her closer again. He needed to stop her, for his own sanity as well as hers. 

“Stop” he said softly, “Just stop, Gabriela, please. You need to calm down. I care about you too, a great deal in fact. But I made the mistake of thinking that there was something more, that our kisses meant…”. 

“They did!” Gabby exclaimed, looking at him with tear-filled eyes. “They did… I’m falling for you, Cullen, I think about you all the time”. 

Cullen frowned. “Then why would you seek the attention of all those others?” he asked, confused. 

She looked incredibly small and fragile as she swallowed and said “I don’t know, I truly don’t. All of that happened before our first kiss. I know that sounds like a horrible excuse, but at the time it seemed like all of it just didn’t matter. I wanted to feel… wanted. Loved. I needed to feel like people needed me. I’ve always been like this, I feel fantastic for weeks, like I can do and say anything, I don’t think about what it might cause, and then everything I touch crumbles. And then I seem to wake up from that delirium, and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I never considered that you might want to be with me. And I don’t think that you _should_ want that. I’m not right, Cullen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t understand. And I could never expect you to understand either”. 

Her rant left Cullen speechless. So many things crossed his mind that he didn’t know what to think or say about what she had just said. _All of that happened before our first kiss,_ she’d said, and he couldn’t deny the relief he felt at hearing that. She’d also confessed her feelings for him for the first time, but now he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. _I wanted to feel wanted, loved._ He wondered if her feelings for him were truly about _him,_ or if he had just been there at the right time when she needed to feel wanted. What was worse, he wasn't sure if he really cared – his heart was hers, for better or for worse, he knew that. He wondered also why she never considered that he might want to be with her. Hadn’t he made it clear how he felt about her? How much he adored her? How could she not have seen that? 

What bothered him the most was when she said _and then everything I touch crumbles – and I have to deal with the consequences of my actions._ It felt so painfully familiar that he needed a long moment to store that in his mind. And then he suddenly understood everything about her. Maybe not what caused her to feel like this, but the feeling itself. And now he knew she needed to know just how much he understood. He’d been hoping all this time that she would open up to him, share her thoughts with him, but he never told her anything his own story. 

“Surprisingly, I think I understand it better than you might expect” he said slowly, and he saw the surprise in her eyes. 

He inhaled deeply. He’d never told anybody what happened at Kinloch Hold, this would be the first time. He wasn’t sure where to start, or how to tell the story at all. And most of all, he feared how she would react to it - that was the very reason he never talked about it. 

“After my Templar training I was stationed at Kinloch Hold, the Fereldan circle of Magi. I was young and naïve, my head filled with stories of heroism. There was a young mage there who flirted with me. There was some youthful infatuation on my part… a feeling I had forsaken - until recently - but there was never anything more. I was bound to my duties. She later became the Hero of Ferelden.  
When the blight came, the tower was taken over by abominations. The Templars – _my friends_ – were slaughtered and I was taken captive. I don’t know how long they held me, days, maybe weeks, but they tortured me with visions of Solona, of my family, my dead friends. They pushed me to the edge of insanity. If it hadn’t been for Solona and her companions, I would be dead or mad. When they came to rescue me, I was… not myself. The things I said to her were… unkind, untoward. I wish she knew that.” 

Gabby hadn’t spoken this whole time. She was just looking at him, listening intently to him, holding her breath. At least she’d calmed down, it seemed, because she wasn’t shaking anymore. Cullen still held her with no intentions of letting go, and he stroked her hair and cheeks gently as he told her his story. The sun shining through her windows was reflected off her hair and face and he took a second to appreciate her beauty before continuing. 

“After that, my hatred of mages was so strong that my Knight-Commander, Greagoir, sent me to the Chantry at Greenfell to… _level out._ It didn’t work. Nightmares of what had happened plagued me and I focused solely on my Templar duty to keep mages under control. To be honest, I was afraid of magic and what mages were - _are_ \- capable of. When they sent me to Kirkwall to serve under Meredith as Knight-Captain, I thought I would be able to start anew, leave my past behind. I was mistaken. Mages rebelled in the years that I served there as Meredith’s grip on them tightened. Things got out of hand, Templars disappeared and came back possessed, mages fled and became abominations. I was slowly dragged back into my past, my nightmares. Meredith ordered me to do… unspeakable things, and yet I did them believing I could trust my knight-commander, and out of fear and hatred for magic. I was not a good man, and if you had met me then, I do not think you would like me much.  
Meredith lost her own sanity in the end, under the influence of red Lyrium. I opposed her then, but it was already too late. The city was broken, hundreds of people had died. And I had contributed to that. I stayed in Kirkwall after that and I was confronted with my failures daily. So when Cassandra offered me this position, I took it without hesitation, left Kirkwall and the Order and never looked back. That was when I decided to stop taking Lyrium and break my chain to the Chantry”. 

He pressed a soft kiss on Gabby’s forehead. “I am proud of the work I do here, but I can’t ignore my past or the things I did. Sometimes it feels as though I will never be forgiven for my actions. That fear that I feel, that guilt… I see it in your eyes sometimes, when you drop your guard. I recognise it because I feel it”. 

Gabby exhaled deeply, still staring at him. “Cullen, that’s… horrible. I always knew that you were a man with a past, but that…” she said. Cullen tightened his grip on her in response. 

“It _is_ in the past” he said, “And I’m happy here, even though the Lyrium withdrawal doesn’t always make it easy. Memories haunt me still, in my dreams, and sometimes in waking life too on bad days. So I _do_ understand, to a certain extent. But I try to put things behind me, as should you”. 

She shook her head. “It’s not that easy, Cullen” she whispered.

 _I know,_ he thought. 

He hadn't expected her to open up to him now, but when she did, he encouraged her by holding her tightly, letting her feel that he was here for her while she rested her head against his shoulder. 

She told him how her mood changed so frequently in Ostwick that her parents had taken her to a healer, who had made her drink water with a metallic taste. The water had made her feel strange, she had trouble concentrating and her hands shook. It didn’t make her feel good so she stopped drinking it, after which she felt fantastic. She spent a lot of money on a set of daggers and got obsessed with learning how to wield them, convinced that what had happened in Kirkwall would happen in Ostwick as well. She slept with strangers she’d meet in a tavern – an image that Cullen didn’t necessarily need in his mind – and fell in love with a man. Her brother called her _the whore of Ostwick -_ Cullen gritted his teeth, he was starting to dislike Matthew more every day – but she didn’t care. She’d meet her lover in secret, and he would give her compliments and gifts and she was sure she loved him. When the man found out that Robert and Marielle Trevelyan would never allow him to marry into their family, he left Ostwick, taking her daggers. 

While Cullen was glad this man hadn’t stayed in her life, he resented him for betraying Gabby’s trust like that. He understood now why she had such trouble trusting people, opening her heart. 

She drew in a shaky breath before she continued. “Everything changed for me, then. I felt responsible for him leaving, thought I did something wrong. All my energy was gone, and all I could do was cry. It wasn’t long before my mother and I realised I was with child”. 

Cullen gasped, and he felt Gabby starting to tremble again. She’d never mentioned a child so he feared what he already knew she would tell him next. 

“I lost the child" she said, confirming what Cullen had been thinking. "I woke up one night with my sheets covered in blood, my body aching. My mother held me as I cried, but it didn’t help. I felt empty. It felt like I had failed at everything in my life. The next day I tried to take my own life.” 

Without thinking about it, Cullen reached to cup her face with his hands and pulled it up so he could look at her. He didn't know why he did it. Maybe he’d just grabbed her like that to make her focus on him before sliding to far back into that dark memory, the way he would sometimes. Maybe he’d just wanted to hold her to make sure she would stay where she was, within his reach. He didn’t know what else to do or say, there was nothing that would make what she had just told him better. 

A tear rolled down her cheek as she whispered “I’m sorry”. She released herself from his grip, crawled away from him and his hands dropped. His heart ached for her and he wondered what in the Maker's name she was apologising for. “I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t be like this, I know. I should be strong. And I will be again, I promise” she said, and as she wiped her tears away he saw the frustration she felt towards herself. 

“Gabriela…” Cullen said, baffled by how quickly she’d raised her walls again. He was still here, wasn’t he? He hadn’t turned his back on her, hadn’t left her. She’d just opened herself up to him and given him a private tour through the darkest places of her mind, so why was she back to protecting herself? Did she regret telling him her story? 

“Now you know my story too” she said, with a forced smile, “Don’t go blabbing it around, Commander”. 

Cullen shook his head incredulously. _Is she being serious right now?_

He decided that he wouldn’t let her push him away again, so he moved closer to her, taking her hand and lacing his fingers through hers before raising it and pressing his lips to it. “Thank you for telling me” he murmured. 

Unsurprisingly, she tried to pull away again but this time he wouldn’t let her. His hand was unyielding on hers. “Please” she said desperately, “stop being so nice to me. I can’t…”. As she tried to break his grip he slowly moved closer to her. He could almost see her mind spinning, the thousand thoughts flying around in her head. Once again he wished he could read her mind, but the things that were such a mystery to him before started to become more clear to him now, make sense even. He needed to silence her mind and there was only one thing he could think to do to achieve that. 

He kissed her, and she stopped trying to pull away from him immediately. After a moment of stunned surprise, she threw her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him, and then nothing mattered but _her._

They’d kissed before, but none of those kisses compared to this one, or even came close. Her lips were salty from her tears and there was still some desperation in the way her tongue danced with his, but there were no more barriers. It was intense, passionate, but this was not lust. This was love. 

He could feel Gabby try to drown herself in that feeling when she pressed herself closer against him and he broke the kiss, pulling back a little, steadying her with his hands when she fell towards him. He locked his eyes on hers, making sure she could see the sincerity of the words he was about to speak next. 

“I see the weight that is on your shoulders, for only you to bear. And you spend your days saving other people’s lives. Never feel embarrassed for needing someone to save you once in a while. I told you before, and I meant it – I am here for you. Varric is here for you, so is Dorian, and all of your other friends. We care for you”. 

What he saw in her eyes was not what he’d wanted to see. She nodded, but he could see her heart wasn’t in it. It would not be so easy to break her walls. But Cullen was not a quitter – he would keep trying until he succeeded. Now that he’d had several glimpses of what was behind them, he knew that what he was fighting for was worth it. He pulled her into a hug and felt the distance between them had returned despite how close their bodies were. _I will always be here for you, Gabriela,_ he thought.

His headache did not return when left her chambers that evening.


	8. Strategies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some more Gabby/Cullen drama for you :).  
> I'll try to post another update very soon, but no promises - things are a little hectic for me at the moment.

The night of the banquet came, and Cullen stayed in his office as long as possible before going to the great hall. He thought it nonsense that the Inquisition was throwing a feast in the midst of a war, but it had been Gabriela’s idea, stating that it would be good for everybody to put the war out of their minds and enjoy themselves if only for one evening. 

When he couldn’t procrastinate any longer, he changed into his uniform, finding it a little tight around the waist. He’d really have to put more effort into staying in shape, he thought with a sigh. The withdrawal episodes were coming in waves, some days being good while others were near unbearable. His nights were similar – some of them he would sleep through without trouble, other nights he would wake up several times, haunted by his dreams. His days were mostly spent in his office, since he felt no desire to socialise with people at the moment – aside from Gabby of course. But she seemed to be avoiding him since that day in her chambers. In their meeting in the war room he’d tried to make eye contact, but she’d averted her eyes. When the meeting was over, she’d left the room before he could speak to her. He had contemplated going to her chambers to see her and talk to her, but he also wanted to respect her clear decision to have some distance from him, as much as it ached him. 

It was not acceptable for his physique to suffer from his isolation, however. He would need to increase his training hours if he wanted to stay prepared for any upcoming battles. 

He was thinking about that as he entered the main hall, and then sighed and shook his head at how lavishly the hall was decorated. As he did that, the person most probably responsible for those decorations came to stand next to him.  

“Commander! How good that you came” Josephine said with a smile. 

“Yes, well... would you really have allowed me to remain in my office?” Cullen responded with a nod. 

“Not a chance” Josephine chuckled. “But I did you a favour. While making the seating chart, I secured you the best seat in the hall”. She gestured towards the one empty seat on the long table to his left – opposite from Gabby. Cullen blushed slightly. 

“I- erm… I don’t know what you mean” he stammered, rubbing his neck. 

Josephine laughed softly and placed a hand on his back. “Of course not, Commander. Well, enjoy the night. Forget about your work for now – it will be good for you”. She left him then, and Cullen slowly made his way to his seat. 

When he lowered himself onto the bench, his eyes met Gabby’s. Her eyes widened in surprise, and he saw her blush. “Inquisitor” he said, smiling at nodding at her. 

“Cullen” she responded, her voice soft. She smiled back. It gave Cullen hope – things were not lost, at least.

* * *

The meal was fantastic, and Cullen was slowly loosening up with very cup of wine that he drank. It seemed to have the same effect on Gabby, only she was drinking _much_ more than he was. He was amazed at seeing how just how much she could drink.

Whenever Varric or Bull made a joke, she would laugh loudly, throwing her head back sometimes. Cullen loved hearing her laugh, loved the twinkle in her eyes when she enjoyed herself. The more she drank, the more eye contact she sought with him, making his heart beat faster every time. When the meal was finished and people started dancing to the music in the middle of the hall, Cullen looked at her again and smiled, reaching for her hand over the table. 

“Dance with me” he said with a low voice, for her ears only. 

She chuckled in response. “You’re not so opposed to dancing as you told me once, are you?” 

 _That was not a no,_ Cullen thought, and he smiled wider. “I suppose I didn’t do as badly as I thought I would at the winter palace. But maybe that was just because you are a very good dance partner. It would be best to dance with only you, just to be sure” 

She blushed and nodded, and he led her to the ‘dance floor’, ignoring the way Varric, Bull and Dorian were whispering as he passed them. He led her into a dance, paying careful attention to the movements of his feet. But very soon his attention was drawn by how thin the fabric of her dress was and how he could feel the warmth of her skin on his hand that was on her lower back. Her eyes distracted him as well, and how they never left his own. There was so much behind those eyes – warmth, love, courage, insecurity… lust. Suddenly he could read her like a book, like she’d finally dropped her shield for him. He wanted to read all of it, know every part of her. He wanted to kiss her, hold her, undress her... make love to her. 

He misstepped at that last thought and Gabby giggled. He squeezed her hand softly and continued their dance, trying to steer his mind away from being intimate with this woman before his body would betray his thoughts. He was sure that they’d been dancing for an hour already, but he would stay with her for the rest of the night if fate allowed him to. 

It didn’t. Jayden soon put a hand on Cullen’s arm and asked if he might step in. Cullen could see the clear disappointment and annoyance in Gabby’s eyes, but he thought it would be rude if he refused so he said “of course”. Before walking away he lifted her hand to press a soft kiss on it. 

He spotted Rylen in one of the corners and walked over to him. “Knight-Captain” he said as a greeting as he came to stand next to him. 

“Commander. Always so formal” Rylan said with a grin, “you alright, mate?”. 

“Could be worse” Cullen responded with a shrug, his eyes glued on Gabby and Jayden. 

Rylen followed where Cullen was looking and laughed. “Right. I saw you dancing with our lovely Inquisitor. How’d you manage that?” 

Cullen dragged his eyes away from Gabby for a moment and raised one eyebrow as he looked at Rylen. 

Rylen laughed again as he raised his arms defensively. “I’m sorry, mate, but you’re not exactly smooth with the ladies, normally. I know they all flock to you because of your looks and all, but Gabriela Trevelyan doesn’t seem like the kind of woman to be won over by just looks”. 

Cullen rolled his eyes. “Thanks for that, Rylen”. 

“Always here for some honesty. But seriously… _did_ you? I mean, with _her_?” Rylen continued, and when Cullen shot daggers at him he said “Ah, come on mate, we’ve known each other for a long time. You can tell me, I’ll keep it between us”. 

Cullen sighed, turning his eyes back to Gabby. “No, we haven’t” he simply said. He frowned as he saw how distressed she looked now. The conversation she was having with her brother was obviously upsetting her. 

“How are the dreams?” He heard Rylen ask softly now, his voice serious again, but before Cullen could answer Gabby’s voice reached his and many others’ ears. 

“I’m the _Inquisitor!_ You have no idea of the dangers I face every day, the hard decisions I have to make! And I’m still standing, am I not? I wish all of you would just back the hell off!” she snapped at her brother, who tried to softly calm her down. Cullen didn’t hear what Jayden said to her, but her eyes narrowed instead. 

The great hall had not gone silent and he could clearly hear her response; “If you're going to say you’re just worried about me, I swear to the Maker, I will kick you”. 

She looked around her then, her eyes glassy – so much different from when Cullen had been dancing with her only moments ago. She mumbled something and spun around to walk away, but she seemed unsteady on her feet. She was very, very drunk, Cullen could see. He sped towards her to support her. Varric obviously had the same idea, and they reached Gabby at the same time, holding her up. Gabby’s eyes flitted across the room, over the faces of all of her friends, and Cullen saw tears forming in her eyes. 

“I got her, Curly. I’ll get her to her room” Varric said softly. 

As Cullen looked at the dwarf but could feel Gabby’s eyes were on him. “Are you sure? I can…” he started to say, but Varric shook his head. 

“I’ll take care of it. I don’t think Ruffles would appreciate you two sneaking off to her chambers with Freckles in this state, not with a room full of people watching” the dwarf said, and Cullen cheeks flushed a little. 

_What is he implying?!_

“I don’t know what you’re… I would never…!” he stammered, equally slightly angered and embarrassed. 

“I know you wouldn’t, Curly. But they don’t. That’s all I’m saying. I’ll handle it” Varric said calmly. 

And Cullen knew the dwarf was probably right, so after a moment of hesitation he let go of Gabby and watched the two of them slowly walk towards her chambers. Everybody watched them leave, and Cullen wished he could make them stop staring, knowing how much it bothered Gabby. Then again, why did she drink so much? This was not the first time she drunkenly made herself look bad. And though Cullen knew her better than that, he hated the kind of impression others would be getting of her.

He looked at Jayden, who still appeared frozen in place. “Are you alright?” he asked. 

Jayden grimaced and shook his head. “You seem like a good man” he said softly, “and it looks like she really cares about you. I don’t know how much you know about her, and about the things that happened in Ostwick before she went to Fereldan-“ 

“She told me” 

Jay’s eyes widened a little in surprise but he nodded. “That’s good. She must really trust you then, she hardly ever talks about it. We will be leaving soon, so we won’t be able to keep an eye on her anymore. And I know it’s a lot to ask, but…” 

“I will” Cullen said, knowing what the question would be. 

Jay smiled. “Thank you” his smile faltered as he continued, “But you should know – she hasn’t reached her lowest point yet. The worst might still come”. 

Cullen frowned as Jay’s words chilled him to the core. He didn’t know how to respond to that, and before he could say anything, Alex joined them. 

“I guess you were right, brother” he said to Jay in a grave voice. 

Cullen realised now that though all of this was new to him, her family had been going through this with Gabby for years now.  

“What do I do?” he asked softly, and two pairs of eyes turned to him. 

Alex shrugged. “If we’d known, we would have done it years ago”. 

“All you can do is be there for her” Jayden said, “she talks to you, just make sure she keeps doing that. It gets dangerous when she stops talking to people, isolates herself. Always remember that this is not who she really is – the Gabriela you met in Haven is still here, she just needs to keep being reminded of that. And be careful not to get dragged in it too much with her. That would do neither of you any good”. 

Cullen nodded and thanked him. Some part of him wondered about the warning that was in his message, and about how bad it could - possibly _would -_  get. She’d told him about what happened in Ostwick, but he never could have imagined he would have to deal with something like that. He hoped that if that time came, he would know how to.

“Commander. A word?” a voice came from behind him. Leliana. He nodded and followed the spymaster to the war room, where Josephine was waiting as well. 

He knew what this would be about, and he felt a nervous flutter in his stomach. 

“I think it would be best if we get straight to the point – the Inquisitor seems to be getting more unstable” Leliana said, “we should decide a strategy to deal with this”. 

“Strategy?” Cullen said, frowning. 

Leliana nodded. “If the Inquisitor loses her ability to lead-" 

“She won’t” Cullen said, crossing his arms in front of his chest stubbornly. 

“Commander, we only want the best for Gabriela, just like you” Josephine said in a sympathetic voice, “But you may be a little… biased, and we are at war. If her state of mind poses a risk to our goals, then-" 

“I am not some love-struck boy” Cullen said, gritting his teeth while trying to remain calm. “And she has shown some questionable behaviour lately, I agree, but it has never compromised her ability to do her duties, and I don’t believe it will. She feels obligated towards the people around her to be a good leader. She’s proven herself, time and time again. And everybody loves her”. 

“ _You_ love her, Cullen” Leliana said. 

Cullen looked at her, not knowing what point Leliana was making and how he felt about that. Most of all, he knew it was true because for a second he wanted to deny it but simply couldn't – _He loved her._ He wondered if that was clouding his mind like the two women in front of him were suggesting. 

Leliana moved closer to him and put a hand on his arm. “Commander, I am not saying we find a replacement for Gabriela just yet. Just that we should not be unprepared should she become unfit to lead. I do not think it will come to that, I do not wish it will, but it might”. 

“Maybe we should continue this tomorrow. We’ve all had a few wines and there is still a party going on. It would be a shame to spend the rest of the night in this room” Josephine said. 

Leliana nodded and Cullen grudgingly agreed. 

He did not return to the party, instead he went straight back to his office. He hardly felt like socialising, not after what happened. From the battlements he looked up at Gabby’s balcony and wondered how she was doing, if she was already asleep or still awake torturing herself with thoughts about how she’d acted tonight. He wondered about what Leliana and Josephine had said in the war room. Though Gabriela was a wonderful Inquisitor - kind, loyal, strong, merciful - he couldn't help but see the truth in their words. _When she isolates herself_ Jayden had said, which meant she had done that before. If it came to that...

He didn't want to think about that. About having to strip her of her title as Inquisitor, about the pain he knew that would cause her. Not tonight.

“I hope you sleep well, my love” he muttered before entering his office.


	9. Breaking Barriers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay more drama! Always more drama.   
> You can never have enough drama.

The days after the banquet Cullen did not see or hear from Gabriela. He had knocked on her door the next day to see how she was but as the door opened it was not the face he loved that he saw, but that of her messenger Jenna. 

“The Inquisitor told me to say she wishes not to be disturbed today” the girl said nervously. 

“Would you tell her I am here?” Cullen asked, “I’m sure she would not mind to see me”. As he said it, he knew he was not so sure about it at all. 

“Erm… sh-she seemed very clear that she wishes to see _nobody,_ sir. Commander” Jenna said, lowering her eyes and fumbled with her fingers. 

Cullen sighed. “Very well. Would you give her a message for me then? Tell her that I would like to see her when she has time? That I hope she is well?”. 

Jenna nodded, a deep blush slowly appearing on her face. “I will tell her, sir” she said. 

He did not hear from Gabby that day, nor the day after, nor the one after that. So he focused on his work, on increasing his own training hours, on wiping Dorian’s glib smile off his face as they played chess. He focused on anything but thinking about her, worrying about her. He did feel a little better than before the banquet, physically. His headaches had lessened and it seemed to do him good that he spent more time outside of his office. 

Leliana and Josephine had tried to continue their conversation from that night, but Cullen had simply refused, stating that all three of them owed it to Gabby to give her some time to work through her troubles. Josephine had humbly backed off, Leliana was not so easily shaken. 

“Cullen, we have to be practical” she’d said. 

“This is not about being _practical_ ” Cullen retorted, frowning. “Gabriela has led the Inquisition since she came to Haven, even though she had no authorities then. People followed her instantly because of her passion and strength. Because of her, we escaped from Haven. Because of her, we have the support of Orlais. She made decisions none of us dared to make, and she survived every challenge that was thrown into her path. I know you think my judgment is clouded because I am in love with her, and perhaps you are right. What you are considering would destroy her, and that is not something I would do lightly. But I am not a fool, I would not throw away everything we’ve built to keep from hurting her feelings, risking the fate of the world” 

Leliana calmly let him finish, and he could see she considered the things he said. 

“Give her a chance. She will remind us once again why we chose her as Inquisitor, and why we made the right choice. I am sure of that” he concluded.

 Leliana nodded slowly. “Alright” she said, “but if there is another public incident like on that night…”.

“We will deal with it when and _if_  that happens” Cullen said. 

Leliana sighed. “I pray to the Maker you are right, Cullen” 

* * *

“You’re quite smitten with our Gabriela, aren’t you?” Dorian casually mentioned during one of their chess games. 

“I don’t see how that’s your business” Cullen remarked calmly as he moved one of his pieces. 

“Commander, when the leader and the commander of the Inquisition are openly in a relationship, it is the business of all of us” Dorian quipped, “we are like a big family after all”. 

Cullen chuckled. “What are you fishing for, Dorian?”. 

“I was just wondering how you are doing, my friend, being in a relationship with someone like her” 

Cullen raised his eyes to meet Dorian’s and frowned. “And by that you mean…?” he said in a slightly dark voice, not liking that the mage had used the words _someone like her._

“Merely that everybody – _including me -_ seems to be worried about her, with her emotional state and all, but let us not forget that there is another person who is hurting from it – you. It cannot be easy to see the person you love struggle so, especially when you have troubles of your own”. Dorian threw him a knowing look. 

Cullen raised his eyebrows, forgetting about the chess board for a moment. “Gabriela told you?” 

Dorian shook his head. “Don’t worry. She would never betray your trust like that. It's not hard to recognise a man going through Lyrium withdrawal when you recognise the signs”.

Cullen blinked at him, not sure how to respond to that. He didn’t want to get into it with Dorian at that moment though, so he inquired about something else the mage had said, “what do you know about Gabriela’s emotional state?”. 

“I know she has been putting all of her efforts into proving she’s worthy of her title, of this life and the love of those around her. No matter what we all tell her, it appears to be all that occupies her mind. That, and your affections of course. And whenever she feels that she had disappointed the people around her or made a decision with bad consequences, she feels that she has failed. The presence of her family seems to increase her insecurities, the desire for their approval driving her to act recklessly. I love her as well, Commander, so do others around her, and we all feel the helplessness that you feel when she is pushing herself to the edge”. 

Cullen was lost for words at that. Aside from sarcasm, all he had ever heard from Dorian’s mouth were flirtations towards him and other sassy remarks. He had never seen the mage be so serious. 

“She talks about you often, you know” Dorian said when Cullen remained silent. 

“She does?” 

Dorian nodded. “It is refreshing to see something so genuine, so pure as what is blossoming between the two of you, especially in times of war. I do believe that is what will save her when she needs saving”. He sighed and frowned before he said, “and now, let’s finish our game, please, before somebody walks by and catches me being sincere. I detest showing emotions”. 

Cullen chuckled a little. “Thank you, Dorian” he said softly. 

“Your move, Commander”.

* * *

Cullen watched from the battlements as Gabby said goodbye to her family. He had wished them a good journey earlier that morning, knowing it would make her uneasy if he joined her in the courtyard. He wanted to give her the space she desired, as much as it ached him. 

As far away as he was, he could still see from the stiffness of Gabby’s posture how uncomfortable she was while hugging her parents and siblings. Matthew did not look at his sister or acknowledge her, and Cullen balled his hands into fists and grit his teeth watching. _You fool,_ he thought, _you keep saying you want to protect her from getting hurt, do you not see how much you hurt her with this?_

As the Trevelyan family rode through the gates and Gabby walked towards the great hall slowly, he saw her shoulders slump as she wiped her eye with her sleeve. _My love,_ he thought, _I wish I could take your pain away, I truly do. But how can I when you will not let me get close to you?_

A messenger came to his office later that day to tell him the Inquisitor had summoned her advisors to the war room. It surprised him a little but he finished his letter to his sister quickly before hurrying to meet the others, who were already waiting for him. 

“Commander” Gabby said to him formally, nodding. 

“Inquisitor” he responded, trying to meet her eyes but she averted hers. She went straight to business. 

“Now that the banquet is behind us and my family is on their way back to Ostwick, I see no reason to linger in Skyhold any longer” she said, sounding confident and strong. _That is how she hides her fragility,_ Cullen thought. “Reports have been piling up from all over Thedas about rifts and other disturbances, as you know, so I have told my companions to prepare to leave in the morning” 

She avoided not only his gaze, but Leliana’s too, Cullen noticed. It did not come as a surprise since Leliana had not hid her disapproval towards the Inquisitor. She directed her attention to the war table, drawing a slow line with her index finger. “We will travel to Redcliffe first. The amulet we procured for Cole didn’t work, and he says that we will find answers there. I’m not sure _what kind_ of answers he is talking about, but it’s worth a visit to Redcliffe. After that we will cross the border to Orlais and visit Emprise du Lion, the Exalted Plains and the Emerald Graves. That means we will be away for some time. If at any time during our absence you receive news from Hawke or Alistair, I want to hear about it immediately and we will return if need be”

Cullen’s heart sunk at the realisation that she would be away from Skyhold – _from him -_  for some time, putting herself in danger again. But she was the Inquisitor and this was her duty, and though he wanted to object, he just nodded in agreement.

“Very ambitious, Inquisitor” Josephine said, and Cullen could hear the slight enthusiasm in her voice. Whether that came from the ambassador being happy at seeing Gabby’s apparent recovery or the announcement that the Inquisitor and her companions would be away doing good things in the name of the Inquisition, he could not tell.

 “If you think you are ready for this, Inquisitor,” Leliana said, her eyes sharp as she looked at Gabby whose eyes were still pinned to the map in front of her, “then I believe it is a good plan”.

 “Why would I not be ready for this? I feel like I’ve been sitting on my arse for the last weeks” Gabby muttered. “Now, if there is nothing else, I need to make preparations”.

 Josephine and Leliana had nothing more to add and excused themselves, and before Gabby could follow Cullen reached for her, grabbing her elbow.

“Gabriela, please” he said, a hint of desperation in his voice. He couldn’t stand her silence, her avoidance, the fact that she did not allow him to look into her deep emerald eyes.

Those eyes snapped up at him as she was caught by surprise. “You have not spoken to me since the night of the Banquet, and I need…” he did not know what he was planning to say. He needed _her,_ was all he could think of. “I hope you are feeling better?” he asked instead.

He was very aware of the change in her expression and posture now, familiar with the little signs that told him Gabriela had her shield up firm and strong, but her hold on it wavered. A slight blush formed on her cheeks, a hint of panic hit her eyes and her muscles stiffened.

She smiled, a wide, warm, _fake_ smile. “I am fine, Cullen” she said. “Now please, I have a lot to do today”.

She softly pulled her arm from his grip and he let her, not wanting to hold her against her will. She was out of the war room before he had the chance to think of something else to say. Cullen steadied himself with his hands on the edge of the war table as he inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. _Why will you never let me in?_

She left the next morning without saying goodbye to him.

* * *

The only word from Gabriela to reach his ears while she was away were short reports addressed to all of her advisors. There were no letters to him, and he started wondered why he would even expect her to write him when she had been nothing but distant to him before she left.

His headaches came back during that time, his sleep was soon disturbed by dreams again. He dreamt of her death often, watching helplessly as she died horribly, differently every time, always mingled with dark memories of his past. Cassandra would usually be commenting on his appearance by now, he knew, when every morning he looked into his mirror and saw the shade of purple underneath his eyes darken. But the Seeker wasn’t here at the moment since she travelled with the Inquisitor, and aside from Leliana who would sometimes ask about his wellbeing, there was nobody to remind him to eat well and take care of himself.

When word came that the Inquisitor’s party had reached the Emerald graves two months later, Cullen’s heart grew a little at the knowledge that her next destination would be Skyhold. Gabby and her Companions had swept through southern Orlais like a hurricane, sweeping away everything that threatened the safety of the inhabitants. She had closed countless rifts, saved many lives and his pride for her grew with every report, despite the distance between them. He longed to have her in his arms again, tell her how good she was doing, letting her know how valuable she was not only to the Inquisition, but to _him_ as well.

When Hawke rode through Skyhold’s gates days later, demanding to see the Inquisitor, Cullen knew this was the turning point they’d been waiting for. Gabby was already on her way back to Skyhold so sending her a message would be pointless, and though he waited eagerly to see her again he knew that she would have to leave again almost immediately.

“It’s not good” Hawke said to Cullen, Leliana and Josephine over the war table, “I’ve been following the wardens closely with Alistair, and they’ve been gathering in the Western Approach. I don’t know what their plan is but I can tell you they’re up to no good. Alistair says he can feel there is something evil coming”.

A report the next day from Rylen, who had travelled with Inquisition scouts and soldiers to set up camps in the Approach, confirmed what Hawke had said. Something twisted in Cullen’s gut when he thought about Gabby travelling so far from his reach – his protection – into certain danger. Then again, she had made it very clear she neither wanted nor needed his protection. He breathed in deeply as he lay the report on his desk.

Another two days passed before finally a messenger came to let him know the Inquisitor had returned. He dropped everything he’d been working on and made his way to the war room, where Leliana and Josephine were already waiting.

“Commander” Josephine said, Leliana just nodded. Cullen could feel the tension in the air – they all knew that dark things had been set in motion.

When Gabby entered the war room with Hawke, her eyes sought Cullen’s first and lingered there for a moment. He felt her green eyes burrow into him, making his heart swell. She was covered in muck from her trip, her dark hair was pulled back into a messy braid and she seemed thinner. There were heavy circles under her eyes but she looked strong as always. She was magnificent. For a moment, everything around Cullen disappeared as his desire for her overwhelmed him.

Hawke’s voice pulled him out of his reverie. “I’ve received word from Alistair, and it seems that the Wardens are meeting at an old fort in the Western Approach. From what he’s told me, about the dreams he’s been having, it can’t be good. We need to head over there”. The Champion said to Gabby.

Cullen cleared his throat. “I’ve received word from Rylen as well” he said, and her eyes turned to him again as she waited for him to continue. “He reported the same thing – that a large number of Wardens has moved into the Western Approach. We need to establish a foothold immediately”.

Gabby looked at Leliana and Josephine, then at Hawke. Then she nodded slowly. “Give us an hour” she said, “to recover a little from our journey. And then we will set out again”.

 _An hour,_ he thought, _she is exhausted. She needs rest._ But he knew how pressing this matter was, and as ever, duty came first. How could it every be any different. He decided at that moment, as he nodded in agreement along with Leliana and Josephine, that if he had just one hour with her, he would not let her walk away as easily as before.

Gabby informed them in a short and efficient manner on all that she and her companions had achieved during their time away and Cullen was baffled at hearing all the things that hadn’t been mentioned in her reports or those of Inquisition scouts in the area's she'd visited. He wondered if she’d even slept _at all_ in the months that she was away.

“That will be all” she said with a stern nod towards her advisors, dismissing them but letting her eyes linger on Cullen for a few seconds again.

It was that final look that encouraged him to jump forward and take hold of her arm again as the others left the war room. “Inquisitor, a moment?” he said a little breathlessly.

Gabby waited patiently for Josephine to close the door behind her and turned to Cullen. She raised an eyebrow as she said “Yes?”.

He couldn’t control what he did next. His need to hold her, kiss her overwhelmed him and that was exactly what he did. He pulled her against his body as tightly as he could and pressed his lips on hers. She seemed surprised at this sudden move but she kissed him back, and his world was whole again. Her lips moving against his, her tongue softly brushing his, her teeth around his lower lip softly before pulling away, those were all the signs he needed to know he was still in her heart as she was in his.

 “I’ve missed you” he whispered with a smile and she grinned widely at him.

 “I’ve missed you too” she responded, and those were possibly the sweetest words he had ever heard.

 When she tried to step away from him, he didn’t allow her. _No,_ he thought, _not this time. Not when I finally have you in my arms again._

“Stay here for a moment” he muttered, lowering his lips to kiss her neck. He was delighted to hear her groan softly in his ear and to feel her body go soft under his touch. His mind wandered to where he wanted to place his lips next, suddenly ravenous to explore the areas of her body that he had yet to discover.

“Cullen… I really need a bath” Gabby muttered, and Cullen chuckled. _So romantic,_ he thought in amusement. She did really need a bath though, since she smelled of sweat, dirt and blood. But nothing mattered less to him in this moment. He would make love to her right there on the war table if she’d wanted him to.

“You do” he said, “but I don’t care. You’ll be leaving again soon and I want to enjoy this as long as I can”.

He kissed her again, determined to break her barriers. And he felt them bend under his passion as his hands travelled down her back and she moaned into his mouth softly. But inevitably, she broke the kiss much too soon and placed her hands on his breastplate to push herself away from him.

“As much as I enjoy this, I really need to get ready” she said, her shield up and strong again. “this might be the most important mission so far”.

Cullen let his arms drop. He could not hide his disappointment as he nodded and said “I understand”. And he did understand, or he hoped he did. He prayed that her breaking away from him again was just about her sense of duty and nothing else.

But this kept happening, and it seemed that he was powerless against it. He had fallen in love with a woman so damaged that she refused to allow love into her heart, and he was the fool that kept trying to force it on her. He wondered for a second, as he watched her walk away from the war room, if it would not be better for the sake of his own heart to let her go. But as he saw her ball her hands into fists while walking down the corridor, he knew – whether or not he wanted to, he would not be able to ever let her go.

* * *

He made sure to be at the gate before Gabby departed, and pulled her away from her companions for a moment.

“Write to me” he said, “I will have our soldiers ready to march if necessary”.

He saw something in her eyes, something that brought him hope but sadness as well. “I will” she said.

“Pray to the Maker that it will not be necessary” Cullen muttered. He took hold of her hand, raised it and lowered his head to press a soft kiss to her knuckles. “and please stay safe”.

She smiled at him, a smile so filled with warmth and love that he almost begged her to stay in Skyhold, where she would be safe, with him. But, duties.

“I always do” she said. He released her hands and she returned to her companions, but not before winking at him.

He watched her leave, a deep feeling of dread filling him. She had been away so many times, what was so different about his time that made him fear for her safety so?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exams are coming up, so it might be a while before I can update again, but I will try to scribble down some Gabby/Cullen drama/fluff/slightsmut whenever I have the time.   
> And thank you so much for reading, commenting, kudo-ing, all of it. It's always nice to know people are not only reading my stuff but actually liking it.


	10. First Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Study break. One chapter then. In about 10 days I'll have my freedom back and there will be many more updates :).

Weeks passed after Gabriela’s departure before the report came in that Cullen had been dreading. 

_Commander,_

_We need you here as soon as possible. The Wardens have been corrupted by a fake Calling – Corypheus’ doing. One of his pets, a Magister, is tricking them into believing another Blight is coming and he’s telling them to bind themselves to demons as that it the only way to save Thedas. We watched them sacrifice themselves for that purpose and the next moment we were surrounded by demons._

_Erimond escaped to Adamant Fortress, where the others Wardens are stationed. Cullen, if they finish that evil ritual then countless lives will be lost._

_Griffon Wing keep is ours, Rylen commands it now. We will stay here if fate allows it, and await your arrival. We have sent scouts to keep an eye on what happens in Adamant. I pray you will make it here before the ritual starts._

_I fear the worst._

_Gabriela._

Cullen didn’t waste a second. He had his messenger forward the report to Leliana and Josephine and called the Inquisition’s army together to march as soon as possible. 

They left that same day. 

He pushed his soldiers to the limit as they travelled to the Western Approach, giving them very little time to rest at night before marching again in the morning. He felt the urgency of the situation, and that time was of the essence. His fear for Gabby drove him, making him able to ignore the headaches that his lack of sleep brought back.

* * *

As he rode through Griffon Wing keep’s gate he immediately spotted Gabby, who seemed to be waiting for him. Their eyes met and he was overwhelmed with gratitude to see she was unharmed. He had to control himself to not jump off his horse, ignore everything and everone else and take her into his arms, and he turned around to first order his lieutenant behind him to have his men set up camp around the keep. 

And then he gave into his urges. He jumped from his horse, turned to Gabby and made his way to her with large strides. Her dark auburn hair, her bright green eyes, that small smile on her lips – she was a vision of his dreams - dreams that he’d had many times over the last months - and now she was here. 

He wanted to wrap his arms around her, kiss her, feel her body against his. Nothing was stronger now than his desire to be close to her. But he was not oblivious to the curious eyes aimed at them, and he controlled himself once more with all of his strength. He took hold of her hand instead, planting a kiss on it. 

“You’re safe” he said, trying hard to keep the raging emotions from his voice, “I’m glad”. 

“I did make you a promise, didn’t I?” she replied, accompanied by a small smile. She looked exhausted. Seeing that reminded him of the reason he was here, and he grudgingly let go of her hand. 

“Any updates? Have you heard from our scouts yet?” he asked. 

Gabby shook her head and he could see the worry in her eyes. “Not yet. I’m getting a little nervous, to be honest. What if something happened to them, and we’re waiting for a signal that might never come? What if what we’re trying to prevent from happening is already happening, or has already happened?” 

Cullen knew that was a possibility and it worried him as well, but he refused to add to Gabby's fears. “I don’t believe that” he said, “Leliana is no amateur; she recruited some of the best people in Thedas. We should hear from them soon”. He tried to make himself believe that as much as her. 

Gabby sighed. “I hope so. This waiting around is not helping for morale. People are getting anxious”. 

Cullen scanned her face, the shadows under her eyes, the expression that told him that her mind was more occupied with disturbing thoughts now than ever before – and he knew it was usually already too full of those thoughts. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching for her. She was so strong yet he could always see how fragile she was as well, and he wished he could take her burdens away from her if only for a moment. He cupped her cheek and his heart responded to the feeling of her soft skin under his hand, and the look that his touch drew from her eyes. 

“You do look like you could use some sleep” he murmured. 

Gabby snorted. She was clearly not going to show weakness here, in front of the many eyes watching them. “You’ve been travelling for days, Commander. You probably need sleep more than I do. We have a room ready for you. It’s not exactly fancy and we can’t arrange a bath here, but at least you can wash up and rest”. 

Cullen dropped his hand and matched her tone of voice. He shook his head while he said “I’ll stay in a tent, with my men”. He was not going to sleep comfortably in a bed while his soldiers were outside the protection of the walls, sleeping on the ground. They needed their Commander in their midst, even if just to increase morale. 

“None of that” Gabby said stubbornly. “You’re the commander. When we do hear from our scouts, you need to be at full capacity. And you told me you have trouble sleeping sometimes, so I think that right after such a long journey and before a battle, it’s probably best if you have a quiet place to rest instead of in a tent with soldiers right outside drinking and shouting”. 

Cullen frowned. He knew she was right, but he still didn’t like the idea. But his desire to ease her mind was too strong at the moment. When she saw he wasn’t going to protest again, she turned and motioned for him to follow her. 

They crossed paths with Rylen as they walked and Cullen greeted him as asked him how things were going. 

“Well, I’m sure the Inquisitor has filled you in on our current situation. Other than that, we’ve settled in nicely. Considering where we are, this keep is certainly not a bad place to have as a foothold. The Inquisitor and her companions have done well by procuring it”. Rylen said. 

Cullen looked at Gabby sideways with a small smile, filled with pride towards his love. _That’s my girl,_ he thought. “They have” he said, and then saw the impatience in Gabby’s eyes and it stirred something in him. Was she as eager to be alone with him as he was? 

“Well, I’m under orders from the Inquisitor to get some rest, so I’d better go” he said. 

Rylen laughed. “She’s probably right. You look like you could use it”. He cleared his throat, straightened his back and concluded with “Sir”. 

Cullen chuckled and followed Gabby again. Neither of them spoke, but he could feel the tension in the air. He found himself staring at her behind, swaying from side to side as she strode, and couldn’t keep the image of digging his fingers into the naked skin of her buttocks from his mind. It made him blush a little, but his body was very much awake by the time they reached his room. 

He scanned the room, and found it sufficient – a bed, a water basin, a small trunk. Good enough. His eyes lingered on the bed for a moment, thinking of everything but sleeping on it, and as Gabby turned around he found his self-control slip away. He closed the door behind him. 

“It’s not much, but…” Gabby started to say as she turned around, and he surged forward, taking her into his arms and crushing her against him. His lips muted her, his tongue entering her mouth to taste her. The longer their kiss lasted, the more his desire for her grew, his member now painfully pressing against his breeches. 

The way she kissed him back told him she wanted him as much as he did, and his mind shouted in victory as she started to slowly pull him with her, towards the bed. Her kisses were frantic now and she made small sounds that drove him to the edge of his sanity as they moved closer to the bed. When Gabby’s legs touched the edge, Cullen pulled back, panting. He felt slightly ashamed for attacking her so and he wanted to make sure this was what she wanted. 

“I’m sorry” he said, his voice hoarse “It’s just… I haven’t seen you in weeks, and when we received word of what was happening here…”. 

Gabby put her hand on his cheek and shushed him. The fire in her lust-filled eyes made his heart race. “It’s okay. This is okay. I missed you too, Cullen” she said, her voice warm, before tugging on his cloak. 

Cullen carefully lowered her onto the bed with one hand on her back and the other on the mattress. Her hands immediately found his face again, pulling him down to kiss her again. Her kisses seemed desperate, her arms clutched him as though she was afraid he might disappear. But he would never leave her. Never. 

He wanted to feel her body so he clumsily pulled his gloves off and placed his hands on her waist to let them slide over her armour, her curves. He wanted to feel her skin but for now, this would do. Gabby moaned softly into his mouth.

His mind already raced ahead to everything he wanted to do once their clothes were off, how he would kiss and lick and taste her body, squeeze her soft skin. How he would please her, draw more of those moans from her lips. It had been so long since Cullen had been with a woman, and this would be the first time with a woman he actually _loved._

He needed to tell her that he loved her.

Her leg hooked around his hip and she thrust her pelvis against the bulge between his legs, making Cullen gasp in surprise. She grinned and repeat the motion and he groaned, burying his head in the mattress. His self-control was on the verge of snapping and his fingers dug into her body to keep his hands from shaking but he needed to tell her. “Gabby, I…” he said, his voice muffled, but she interrupted him. 

“I want you, Cullen… So, so badly” she whispered into his ear, before suckling on his earlobe. She thrust her hips up again and his control broke. Her voice, her touch, her body - it lit a fire in him that made his headaches disappear, that made him forget about all the horrors he had ever witnessed and endured. He lifted his head and started fervently working on undoing her armour as his lips found the skin of her neck. He kisses, sucked, licked and bit the skin and Gabby moaned as she helped him with the clasps. 

 _Maker’s breath, how many clasps does this thing have?_ Cullen thought in frustration right before he undid the last one. He chuckled as he watched Gabby impatiently and clumsily take it off and throw in on the ground. Her breast band followed in a much smoother motion. 

And then she fell back onto the mattress and Cullen swallowed nervously. 

“Maker’s breath…” he muttered, bewitched by her body, her small round breasts, her flat toned belly. He could still see the scar from her fight with the dragon in the Hinterlands, along with other small scars but other than that her skin was flawless. _She is perfect._

He lowered his head ravenously to fold his lips around her nipple. His hands found her waist and he relished in the skin contact they could finally have. Gabby tangled both of her hands in his hair, fingers spread wide as she threw her head back, panting and moaning. He made circles around her nipple with his tongue, sucked on it, softly and then harder, bit it gently and she seemed to love all of it. Her body writhed underneath him as if she was about to climax already, and it nearly drove Cullen insane. 

“Cullen…” he heard her say hoarsely, and it drew him back to his senses for a moment. 

He looked up at her as she looked down at him and he moved to cup her face and kiss her again, softly, this kiss meant to deliver a message of love, not lust. _I need to tell her._

“Gabriela, I…” he started to say, and was then rudely interrupted by a knock at the door. He could feel her body tense underneath him and he shifted, making sure that if whoever was at the door came in, they would not see her like this. 

But luckily, the person at the door had the common sense to stay there. “Commander” a voice sounded, and Cullen knew it was his lieutenant. “Our scouts are back. We need to get ready to leave within the hour”. 

He saw Gabby’s eyes widen and fill with fear. Their moment was lost. “I’ll be there as soon as possible” he shouted to the man outside, and then he heard footsteps indicating that the man was walking away. 

He looked at Gabby again and stroked her cheek softly. “It will be alright, Gabriela” he said softly, and kissed her once more. “We have time. We will get another chance like this”. 

She was breathing heavily, looking up at him. “We should go” she said, her voice thick. 

As she gathered her breast band and armour, she stood with her back towards him as if she tried to hide her body from him, as if he had not just been kissing it, touching it. This was not the moment to tell her he loved her, but somewhere in his mind he feared the possibility that there would not be another moment to do it. 

The words were still on his tongue as he watched her open the door and look back at him over her shoulder with sad eyes. “Are you coming?” she asked, her voice heavy. 

Cullen’s shoulders dropped a little and he sighed heavily. “Yes, Inquisitor”.


	11. Mages and Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. My apologies. I went from being in a six year relationship and happily engaged to single in the last couple of weeks and it hasn't been easy.
> 
> But I'm done with school for now and looking for ways to take my mind off things so I think I will be writing a lot again. I've had this chapter done for a while but I was a little unsure about it. Please let me know what you think.

Adamant fortress was a bloodbath. There were mages everywhere, and it reminded him of Kirkwall. There were demons everywhere, and it reminded him of Kinloch hold. Cullen fought his way through, fighting off the memories of those horrors as hard as fighting his current adversaries. He shouted commands to his recruits around him, advancing through the fort slowly while the love of his life was busy clearing the battlements on _his_ request. He knew how strong she was. He knew how strong her companions were. But he could not keep his mind from drifting to her safety, praying she would fight her way through, survive. As he spun around, striking another foe down, he forced himself to clear his mind, focus, or _he_ might not survive. 

Still, his head pounded so badly that his vision was getting blurred and his whole body ached as he swung his sword again and again, and when the sky lit up green he thought for a second that he might be hallucinating. And then he saw the dragon – archdemon? – fly off and for some reason, his heart sunk. He ran, skillfully avoiding the blasts of magic that were aimed at him, until he reached the courtyard where some of his soldiers were fighting a pride demon that had obviously appeared from the fade rift that was casting an eerie green glow on their faces. 

 _Where is she?_ The thought went through his head as he looking up and saw instantly that the battlements had been cleared. 

“Commander! Oy!” he heard Rylen call out, drawing him back to reality and making his head snap around. Rylen was fighting off two demons and getting backed into the wall. _Fuck!_ Cullen thought and immediately ran to his friend’s rescue, but before he could even engage one of the monsters, an arrow pierced the ugly beast between its eyes. Another arrow struck the second demon in the throat. 

Cullen spun around to see the archer that had saved his old friend, and when he saw Varric standing at the top of the stairs, he wasn’t sure what he felt. Varric had been with Gabby, he knew that. He made his way over to where Varric was standing while fighting off more demons and while Varric shot more arrows into the courtyard - no doubt hitting his target every time – and then their eyes met, and Cullen’s world stopped. 

The dwarf’s expression was unmistakable – grief, pain. Sadness. _No,_ Cullen thought, and he might have whispered it as well. He somehow managed to reach Varric and grabbed him by the shoulders. 

“ _Where is she?!”_ he couldn’t keep the desperation from his voice as he forced those words out of his mouth. 

“They fell” Varric said, his voice sounding calm but Cullen could tell that the dwarf did that for his benefit. “the dragon… Clarel… the ground collapsed... I managed to get to safety but they- they fell. And then Freckles, she-she opened a rift, and they fell through. They disappeared”. 

Cullen felt the blood drain from his face. The pounding in his head increased, until he couldn’t hear anything but that anymore. He fell to his knees. He was vulnerable like this, he knew, but he didn’t care. He had lost her. 

 _My dear Templar, do you really think you’re free?_ He heard the demon’s voice whisper. The one from his dream – had it been a dream? _I broke you long ago, you have been mine all this time, my sweet, sweet Cullen. That life you built for yourself? All in your head. You’ve been here, with me, all along, playing my games…_  

He had assumed it had been another cruel nightmare, but now he was not so sure anymore. Maybe he _was_ still in Kinloch hold. Maybe the beast had finally broken him, he had finally lost his mind. Maybe he’d lost his mind years ago. He didn’t know anymore. He was still surrounded by mages and demons. Nothing had changed. _Except her…_ and she was gone. 

Somebody was shouting, shaking him. His vision cleared a little and he lifted his head to focus. “Curly! Snap out of it! I know you’re scared for her but this is not the time! Do you hear me?!” 

 _Varric._ The image of the dwarf became clearer, the pounding lessened. _He’s right_ he said to himself, and made himself get back on his feet and empty his mind. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life. 

The next hour or so that went by, he was like a machine. He did not feel the small injuries that his enemies had inflicted on him, he did not feel how broken his body was. He just fought, using his warrior’s discipline to push the voices out of his mind. 

And then the fighting was over. The rift was still there, but there were no more demons and the wardens that remained were surrendering. A few soldiers brought Erimond to Cullen. “Commander! What would you have us do with this one?”. 

Cullen forced himself to sound confident – normal - as he responded “The Inquisitor will want to judge him back at Skyhold. That’s where he’ll go” he said. 

The soldier blinked at him. “But Commander, the Inquisitor is-“ the young man stopped talking when he saw the look in his Commander’s face. 

“You heard what I said” Cullen snarled, and all three soldiers nodded. 

As he was taken away, Erimond said “Your Inquisitor is dead, fool! I saw her fall!”. Cullen closed his eyes. _Not now._ He would not allow himself to break down now. She was not dead, not yet. He’d seen her do incredible things, survive impossible situations in miraculous ways. She would do so again. 

“Here comes another one!” he heard one of his soldiers down in the courtyard say, and he turned towards the rift to get his men ready for another wave of demons, ignoring the exhaustion in his bones. 

What came through, none of them had expected – first Dorian, then the Iron Bull, then Cassandra. Cullen’s heart jumped at first and he held his breath waiting for Gabby to appear as well. Time seemed to stop as he waited, and his hands shook. When another person appeared he closed his fist tightly around the hilt of his sword, but it was Alistair. 

 _Come on, love, please…_ he thought, and as that thought finished the most beautiful creature he’d ever laid eyes on fell quite ungracefully out of the rift. He wanted to jump forward, pull her in his arms but something stopped him when he saw her grief-struck expression as she pushed herself from the ground. He watched her close the rift. He watched her talk to Varric, to Alistair, to a messenger, and then to the remaining wardens. The fighting had completely stopped. He only realised halfway through Gabby’s speech that Hawke had not exited the Fade with them. 

He looked around and locked eyes with Cassandra. “What happened?” he asked. The corners of the Seeker’s mouth dropped, and she sighed. 

“It is a long story” Cassandra said, “and I am not the best person to tell you, I think. But we were in the Fade. There was a Fear demon. He made her – all of us, but mostly her – see things that were not there. It was… it was difficult. There was a moment when we thought she might be losing her mind. She attacked us, but she thought she was being attacked by us as well. And she asked us… she asked us to leave her behind”. 

The Seeker sighed again wearily. “Maybe it _is_ best if you talk to her. I am not sure what happened, just that it changed her”. 

At the exact moment that Cassandra’s sentence finished, Gabby turned around, her eyes searching, until they found his. And he nearly drowned in the pain that he saw there. He dropped his sword, which had been in his hand the whole time, surged forward, unable to control himself, wrapping his arms - his protection, his love - around her. She was shaking and sobbing and his heart broke. 

“I’m here” he said softly as he stroked her hair, “you’re safe”.

* * *

He refused to let her leave his side. He held her hand as they marched back to Griffon Wing Keep, and led her to her room without pausing. She didn’t speak while they walked, and he didn’t ask questions. But he could see her mind was full, he saw her wince at her own thoughts. He squeezed her hand whenever she did that, but she didn’t respond. He saw people looking, eyebrows raising but he didn’t care. She needed him and he would be here for her.

They paused at the door to her room and Cullen turned her so she was facing him. “You should rest” he said, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. Her eyes were aimed at the floor, and he felt her tremble again as she closed them and swallowed hard. 

“I could stay with you?” he said, “If you want me to?” 

Her eyes opened and she looked at him, tears welling up. She stepped back, away from him. “You don’t have to” she said, her soft voice thick with sadness. 

This was not her shield, he realised. This was not her keeping him at a distance to protect herself. She didn’t feel like _she deserved it._ He recognised it even though he had never seen her do it before, because he had felt it. He frowned as he said “I do. And I can see that you shouldn’t be alone right now”. 

Something happened in her then, something broke, and it worried Cullen deeply as he watched her hurry into her room. He followed immediately to see her fall onto her knees and cry, and didn’t hesitate for a second to sit next to her and pull her into his arms once more. 

“Cullen, please, don’t…” she sobbed, and he only pulled her closer. Never again would he let her push him away. 

“There’s no need to carry all of this on your own, I’ve told you that” he whispered. “I’m here, and I care for you”. _I love you,_ he thought, but this was not the moment to tell her that. “You can be strong tomorrow. Tonight, with me, you don’t have to be”. 

And he let her cry, harder than she’d ever cried in his presence before, and his heart broke once more for her. He knew her mind was still torturing her as her fingernails dug into his skin sometimes, or her body twitched in response to a thought, or her breathing would become more shallow. He allowed her to pour all of it into him and he would take it all from her if he could. 

The inevitable moment came where she tried to push him away again while saying “Cullen, please, I need…”. But Cullen had been prepared and had his response ready. 

“You need to stop. If I leave you alone right now, all you will do is beat yourself up over what happened. Hawke was a good man, and he will be missed, but he did what any of us would have done. His death was _not_ your fault”. He was pleased with himself for saying that, and he was sure it made her feel better for a second because she stopped crying, but then her whole body tensed in his arms. 

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t move. Cullen placed his hands on her face to look at her, and her eyes seemed blank. “Gabriela?” he said, unsure of himself. 

“I’m so… tired” she said, her voice low. 

Cullen nodded, and without another word lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed. She hardly responded. He lowered her onto the bed and then started undoing the clasps of his breastplate. It was something he did daily so it only took him a minute to take the armour off and place it on the ground next to the bed. He lay himself next to Gabby then, who hadn’t said a word and was staring at the ceiling. They were both covered in blood, dirt and sweat but she was exhausted and so was he, so he decided they would just sleep like this. 

He took her hand in his, threading his fingers through hers before pulling her hand to his mouth to kiss it. “Say something, please” he whispered, moving his other hand to stroke her cheek. A single tear rolled down her face. 

“I don’t know what to say” she half-whispered, her voice still sounding strange, monotone. 

“Ok” Cullen said, nodding, “you don’t have to say anything. Just try to sleep. Close your eyes. Today was a victory. You did a good job today” he winced as he heard himself say that, knowing that might not have been the best thing to say, but he saw nothing in her face to indicate that it had bothered her. Or that it had comforted her. Or that she had heard what he’d said at all.

This was a new side of Gabby, one he hadn’t seen before. He didn’t know what to do with this. It was as if she had completely withdrawn, and it scared him a little. He watched and held her hand as her eyes drooped and he heard her breathing slow down, and then sighed and closed his own eyes. 

Sleep did not come easy for him. Images of the day haunted him, mingled with memories of Kirkwall and Kinloch hold. The demon, whispering to him that he was still in that magic prison, and somewhere in his mind he wondered if all of this was a game – making him fall in love with a woman who was unobtainable. Some sort of cruel torture, making him believe he could be happy. 

He knew that if he would let himself fall asleep, the dreams would come – and Gabriela did not need to be woken up by that. He also didn’t want to leave her alone. So he stayed awake, enduring the visions and the headaches, gritting his teeth. 

He kept holding her hand, but whether it was so she could feel his presence or to keep himself from slowly sliding into insanity, he did not know. 


	12. Giving up

Cullen woke screaming, bathed in sweat. It took him a moment to catch his breath and realize where he was – in his tent, somewhere just north of the Exalted Plains he thought. They were travelling back to Skyhold. Yes, that’s where he was. He was almost sure of that. It was still dark outside, which meant he had a few hours ahead of him to either catch more sleep – the thought of which made him shiver – or to slowly freshen up and get ready for departure. 

He pulled his blanket, which was soaked with his sweat, away and pushed himself off his bedroll. He closed his eyes for a moment as the world spun around him and a sharp pain shot through his temples. Not for the first time he thought about the small supply of Lyrium that the Inquisition’s Templars carried with them, and how it would be a sweet relief just to have a little taste. 

He thought about Gabby for a moment, and grit his teeth. Ever since that night after the battle, she’d been isolating herself. The first nights of their trip back he would visit her tent, asking if there was anything he could do for her, but she hardly responded to anything he said or asked her. What she did say was that she needed to be alone. Her eyes had glazed over and there was nothing in them that he recognized anymore. After getting rejected by her night after night, he stopped trying. She clearly didn’t need or want him around, and the helplessness he felt at seeing her in this state made him feel worse than he already did. 

His dreams brought him back to Adamant every night, and every night the dream twisted reality and memories of past traumas into a greater horror. Every night the desire demon taunted him, whispering that his waking life was an illusion, and that he would never leave his cage. And there were days when he wondered if it was true, and he wondered how much worse that would be than what he currently knew to be reality. His body failed him as the sleep deprivation and Lyrium withdrawal became almost too much to bear. 

He stood up, the movement almost costing too much strength, and slowly started putting his armour on. He stepped out of his tent a little later fully dressed, and nodded at the Iron Bull and Dorian who were sitting next to the campfire softly talking. Cullen knew the Qunari and mage both had trouble erasing the events of Adamant and the fade from their minds as well. They were not the only ones. Despite the fact that the battle of Adamant had ended with the Inquisition as victor, nobody was in the mood to celebrate. Too many people had died. Too many horrible things had happened that day. 

He wandered off, away from camp, towards a small stream. He sighed as he realized that to be able to wash himself he would need to take off his armour again, but he knew he should at least try to look – and smell – like the Commander that everybody knew, if only to keep up appearances and not to let morale drop any lower. 

As he washed himself with the cold water, he relaxed a little and his headache lessened. His mind drifted to Gabby again, wondering if she was sleeping and eating well, wondering if she trusted anybody else enough to talk to about what went on in her mind. He hoped that she did, even if the thought that he wasn’t that person hurt. 

As he trudged back to camp a little while later, the sun was rising already. He joined Bull and Dorian by the fire as he watched others rise from their slumbers as well. 

“You alright, Commander?” he heard Bull say and he turned his head towards the Qunari, who shrugged a little. “Sorry. Small camp. We couldn’t help but hear you scream. Bad dreams, huh?” 

Cullen saw Dorian nudge Bull a little and shake his head. He sighed. “Sometimes, yes. Adamant brought back some things that I preferred to keep buried. It is what it is. I will endure” he said. 

“Of course you will” Dorian said, “because that is all you _can_ do. We must all remember that”. He looked sideways at Bull as he said that

* * *

 

By the time they rode through Skyhold’s gate, he felt like he stood on the edge of insanity. He now tried to avoid sleep altogether since he never woke up rested anyway because of his dreams. He watched as Gabby stepped off her horse and started making her way to the main hall – her chambers, no doubt. He watched as Jenna gave her a hug and it broke his heart to see Gabby’s unenthusiastic response. The girl was left standing wide-eyed, confused and a little hurt when Gabby continued walking. 

The Inquisitor didn’t show her face the rest of that day. Cullen stayed in his office as much as he could, expecting to be called to the war room for a meeting, but that never happened. When he woke up that night again with tears on his face and his whole body shaking, the voice in his head whispering _you will never escape…_ he made a decision. 

He managed to fill the hours before sunrise with meaningless work and when the first rays of sunlight shone through his window, he rose from his chair to do what he had decided. He would speak to Cassandra.  

He felt the eyes upon him as he crossed the courtyard. He knew he looked like shit and people probably wondered what had happened to their strong Commander. He was not setting an example. He was not fit for this position any longer. 

To his chagrin, Cassandra was not at her usual training spot and he knew the Seeker hated when people came to her room. He decided to come back later. Nothing earth-shattering would happen between now and then, probably. He cursed himself for thinking that after everything he’d seen in his life and knowing how quickly things could change. 

He stayed in his office until past noon, dreading having to be confronted with the looks people threw at him. He dutifully answered the letters that his messengers brought him and avoided eye contact. When another messenger entered his office, he held out his hand to receive whatever the man had brought, but instead he heard Jenna’s gentle voice. 

“Commander, sir, um…” the girl started saying, flustered as she always seemed around him. He lifted his eyes to look at the girl. “Dorian asked me to get you, and Leliana and the Ambassador. For- for a meeting. In the war room. He said he would _get Gabriela off her exquisite arse and out of her room._ H-his words, not mine of course”. 

Cullen scanned the girl’s face. Her cheeks were red and she avoided eye contact. “Have you spoken to her at all?” he asked softly. 

Jenna shook her head slowly, aiming her gaze at the floor. “I’m afraid that she’s angry at me for something”. 

Cullen felt some pity for the girl as he heard her admit that. He stood up, padded over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. The girl looked up at him wide-eyed. He gave her his most convincing smile as he said “she would never be angry with you. She loves you. I know that”. He _did_ know that. As for himself, he wasn’t so sure anymore.

* * *

He waited in the war room together with Leliana and Josephine, a deadly silence filling the air. He could hear his blood rushing in his ears on the beat of the pounding in his head, and he had to hold on to the table to keep himself upright. Waiting for Gabby like this was torture. 

“Are you well?” Leliana’s voice broke the silence, and he knew the question wasn’t directed towards Josephine. 

“A slight headache. Nothing more” he lied. Leliana did not need to know the extent of his suffering right this moment. He would talk to Cassandra first. 

The door opened, and Cullen held his breath as he watched Gabby enter. She looked thinner, he noticed. Her face was pale, too, and her eyes were red as if she’d just been crying. She looked at him, and he thought he saw his own shock mirrored in her eyes. 

“Glad to see you decided to show your face” Leliana said, surprisingly sincere. 

Gabby just shrugged. “Let’s get this over with” she said. 

So she started telling them about everything that happened in Adamant. How she had chased Clarel and Erimond, how Clarel had stood up to Erimond in the end, how the Archdemon had almost killed Clarel. How Clarel used her last energy to kill the beast, and how the bridge had collapsed. 

She paused and sighed for a moment before she continued. “There was a fear demon in the fade” she said when she continued. “It was he who gave the wardens their visions, and it was he who took away my memories. I have them back now. I know that I ended up in the Fade with divine Justinia in a similar way as I did this time. She saved my life by sacrificing her own to allow me to escape. I was not sent by Andraste. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time”. 

He heard Leliana inhale deeply at this and he knew how much it hurt the Spymaster to hear this, but this knowledge didn’t change anything for him. Gabby had been their leader and Inquisitor all this time, with or without divine aid. 

“The demon showed us our greatest fears. For Hawke…” Gabby’s voice broke for a moment and so did Cullen’s heart. She swallowed before she continued. “For Hawke it was Spiders. For me it was my friends turning on me”. 

Cullen flexed his fingers, only realizing now how hard he’d been grasping the edge of the table. His heart pounded as he waited for the rest of the story. 

“I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t at some point. Bull attacked me, Dorian attacked me, Cassandra attacked me. I defended myself, but I didn’t know which were the illusions and which weren’t. The demon told me nobody cares about me, that they follow me because they need to. That my family sent me away because they grew tired of me. That…” she stopped again, and her eyes flitted to Cullen. “that people don’t love me, but desire me for the illusion I show them. That they will run away when they find out who I truly am like everybody else did before”. 

Cullen’s eyes widened. _How could she believe that to be true?_

“I asked the others to leave me behind. The demon knew exactly how to manipulate me, how to play me. I didn’t want to risk that preventing the others from getting to safety. But they wouldn’t leave me behind. We found the demon and killed him, but his… _pet_ blocked our path. They made me… they asked me to choose. Alistair and Marcus. And I…” she sobbed as she buried her face in her hands. 

Nobody spoke as she forced herself to calm down and she lowered her hands. “Anyway, that is what happened. The wardens are now with the Inquisition and they are not a threat anymore since the demon is dead and the fake Calling has been stopped”. 

“Well…” Leliana said after a moment of silence, nodding. “In the end, this was a victory for us. Let’s not forget that. Corypheus has retreated for now. And our victories have shaken his disciples” 

“Your actions at Adamant denied Corypheus his army of pet demons” Cullen said, trying to focus on being professional instead of his feelings for her. “And with Orlais support, our numbers match his”. 

He saw the door slowly open and Morrigan enter the war room silently. He frowned and was about to ask what the witch was doing here when Gabby spoke again. 

“Where is Corypheus now?” 

Cullen forced himself to focus again. “He’s moving south to the Arbor Wilds” He said, “His army clearly wasn’t prepared to flee. Our victories have them on the defensive”. 

“If he’s hiding in the Arbor Wilds, then that’s where we’ll finish him” Gabby replied, and she sounded surprisingly confident for someone who had seemed so broken only moments ago. It was a sharp reminder to Cullen of what a good actress she was. 

“But what is Corypheus doing in such a remote area?” Josephine asked. 

“His people have been ransacking Elven ruins since Haven” Leliana said, “We believe he seeks more. What he hopes to find, however, continues to elude us”. 

“Which should surprise no one” Morrigan finally spoke, and Cullen gritted his teeth as he saw how her presence startled Gabby. 

“Fortunately,” Morrigan continued, ignoring Gabby’s surprise and Cullen’s scathing stare “I can assist”. 

* * *

Gabby had left the war room without another look at Cullen, and it only increased his resolve to speak to Cassandra. He did not stop by his office before, instead he crossed the courtyard to where the Seeker was immediately after the meeting. 

“Cassandra” he said with a curt nod. 

“Commander” Cassandra replied in a surprised voice, eyebrows raised. “What can I do for you?”. 

“We need to talk” Cullen said, gesturing towards the armory which was the closest private area he could think of now. As they walked through the door he was relieved to find that it was indeed empty. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Cassandra asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest and frowning now. 

“I wish to be relieved of duty”. 

He didn’t know exactly what he expected. Anything but what she was doing – staring at him, scanning his face, pursing her lips. “No” she said after a moment. 

Cullen’s jaw dropped. “What, no?!” he said in slight anger. “I am no longer fit to be Commander of the Inquisition. My withdrawal symptoms have taken over my life, my sleep. Either I start taking Lyrium again or I must resign” 

“Then resign. But I disagree” Cassandra said simply. 

“Can’t you see how this is affecting me? My work?”. 

“I can. But I believe this is temporary and that you are strong enough to get through it. You’ve asked for my opinion and I’ve given it. Why would you expect it to change?”. 

“I expect you to keep your word” Cullen snarled, “It’s relentless. I can’t…” 

“You give yourself too little credit” Cassandra interrupted him, clearly annoyed now. 

“If I’m unable to fulfil what vows I’ve kept, then nothing good has come of this! Would you rather save face then admit that this was a mistake?” 

“It wasn’t. This is a moment of weakness. Adamant was trying for all of us. Give yourself a moment to process it” Cassandra said. 

“Rylen would be an excellent Commander” Cullen replied, closing his eyes while forcing himself to calm down. 

“Rylen is still in the Western Approach” Cassandra retorted.  

“Then we send one of my lieutenants there to command Griffon Wing keep” 

Cassandra made a sharp, frustrated sound and threw her hands up. 

“This is _ridiculous_ ” She said in her thick Navarran accent, “The Inquisitor refuses to leave her chambers, the Commander asks to be relieved of his duties… Varric would tell you to just _get it on_ with each other”. 

Cullen’s eyes darkened. “This is not a laughing matter, Cassandra” he growled. 

“I’m aware of that, Commander” Cassandra sneered, “but what else am I supposed to say when two of our finest people decide to give up right when it seems like the deciding battle is getting closer each day?” 

“I’m not _giving up,_ I…” Cullen groaned, burying his head in the palms of his shaking hands. His headache was unbearable. 

“No you are not” Cassandra said in a matter-of-fact tone, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Because you will not step down. I will not allow it. I will speak to the Inquisitor about this - if she _ever_ decides to confront herself with the world outside her chambers again – and she will decide what to do. Maybe she will talk some sense into you” 

Gabby did not need to know about this. She was close to falling apart completely already, and Cullen wondered if she would even care at this point. “Cassandra” he said, his voice now soft and pleading, “please don’t tell her”. 

Cassandra raised an eyebrow. “Why? You don’t want to look weak in the eyes of the woman you love? How sweet” she said sarcastically, “but she still leads the Inquisition and she needs to know about this”. 

She was not going to budge, Cullen knew, and he wanted to be in this room – that started to feel smaller and smaller - no longer. He spun around and marched away without another word.


	13. Darkness

Cullen stood behind his desk, his Lyrium kit in front of him. Its song was seductive, calling out to him. He remembered why he’d stopped taking it, but the reasons that made so much sense to him back then, he couldn’t seem to recall. He stood there, a weak echo of the man he used to be, all because of the withdrawal. It just didn’t seem worth it. He grimaced at the memory of how Cassandra had responded to his request – did she not see that he was not the man he used to be, the man he _should_ be? How could he be a good Commander in this state? His thumb traced the edge of the small wooden box as he craved to take just one sip – just one – to take the edge off, just to get him through today. Tomorrow might be better. He just needed to get through today. 

Anger bubbled up in him at the realisation of how weak he was being, how much he was acting like an addict. He needed to get rid of the box, he needed… He let out an enraged roar as he picked up the box and forcefully threw it away from him, in a random direction – and then his heart stopped for a second as he saw Gabby standing in the doorway, jumping sideways just in time to avoid the object flying straight towards her. 

“Maker’s breath! I didn’t hear you enter! I…” _You what?_ He thought to himself, _what were you going to say to her? How do you explain behavior like this?_ He rubbed his temple with his fingers and closed his eyes. “Forgive me” he added in a low voice. 

“I’m fine” Gabby said, a little out of breath and moving closer to him. “Cullen, what is going on? Are you alright? Is it the Lyrium withdrawal?”. 

 _Rutherford, you weak, weak fool,_ he thought to himself, disgusted. “You don’t have to…” he started to say, but then another wave of nausea hit him and his office spun around him, and he had to hold on to his desk to keep from falling to the ground. 

“Cullen!” Gabby called out, rushing towards him and reaching out, but he wouldn’t allow it. It annoyed him. She was never supposed to see him like this. She had enough worries, dealing with her own problems and carrying the problems of all of Thedas on her shoulders as well.

“I told you what happened at Ferelden’s circle” he told her, wanting to give her some explanation for his unacceptable behavior. “I can’t escape it”. 

He saw her frown and cross her arms in front of her chest. _She disapproves,_ he thought, _and she should._

“You need to rest, Cullen. You’re exhausted, we all are. And you’ve been pushing yourself to the limit” she said, and her tone of voice was not disapproving at all, nor stern. She just sounded worried. It angered him even more – he did not deserve it. 

“Don’t!” he snarled, much more strongly than he’d intended, and he immediately regretted snapping when he saw how she recoiled from it. “You should be questioning what I’ve done” he added, his voice still thick with anger but lower now. 

“Cullen, I already knew about all of that! Why would I start judging you for things you did in your past _now_?!” she said, and he heard the sob that she suppressed, he saw the tears she refused to let flow. 

He sighed and forced himself to calm down. “I’ve asked Cassandra to relieve me of my duties”. 

Her eyes widened and he saw a hint of panic in them. “No! Why?!” she asked, her voice desperate. Somewhere inside Cullen, it flattered him that the idea of him resigning brought forth such a reaction from her, especially after weeks of being rejected by her. 

He shook his head. “She refused”. He saw how Gabby immediately relaxed in response to that, and he gritted his teeth. “I thought this would be better. That I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won’t _leave_ me. How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause. I will _not_ give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!”. 

Before he could stop himself, he slammed his fist into the frame of his bookcase, which shook so hard from the impact that a few books fell out and onto the ground. “I should be taking it…” he said, his anger seeping away to be replaced by sadness that Gabby had to be here to witness his breakdown. 

He felt her moving closer to him, and then she was facing him, placing her soft hands on his face. Her hands felt cool on his feverish skin, and he relaxed and dropped the hand which had still been resting against the wood of his bookcase. He raised his eyes to look at her and held his breath as he stared into the wide emerald eyes he had missed so much. 

“What do _you_ want, Cullen?” she said, no judgement in her voice, only sympathy. 

He sighed. “Not this. I wanted to be free of the Chantry. But these memories have always haunted me. If they become worse, if… if I cannot endure this…”. That was it. The root of his fears, he realised now, the very reason he had gone to Cassandra. The fear that he instead of emerge victorious and Lyrium-free, he would slowly go insane and… 

Gabby silenced his thoughts by kissing him softly, and as her lips touched his, he felt himself calm down. When she pulled away, he wanted to reach for her, kiss her again, have her erase all of his pain like he knew she could. 

“You are one of the strongest men I’ve ever met, Cullen” Gabby said. “I know you can”. 

He exhaled slowly and closed his eyes. “Alright…” he said weakly. 

He felt her thumb stroking his cheek as she said “You should really rest, Cullen. That's an order. The world can wait for a day”. 

He allowed himself another glance into her sad, beautiful eyes before he nodded and headed towards his ladder. His body was heavy as he dragged it up the ladder to his bedroom, and it seemed to cost him great effort to undress. When his head finally touched his pillow, he was so tired that he fell asleep almost immediately.

* * *

He woke up surprisingly rested, and realised after rubbing the sleep out of his eyes that he hadn’t had any dreams. By the light shining through the hole in his roof he knew that the day had started hours ago, so he got out of his bed, stretched, and reached for his clothes and armour.

 _Gabriela._ He thought about the state she had seen him in yesterday, and how she had supported him despite it. _I need to see her,_ he thought, _apologise. Thank her. Tell her how much she means to me._ Instead of putting on his armour, he settled for casual trousers and a tunic.

Before he left his office, he looked through all the new messages and reports on his desk and smiled when he thought about how tired those would make him only a day ago. He felt so much better now that he’d slept well, and he had _her_ to thank for it. 

He made his way through the courtyard, enjoying the sun on his face. He nodded at Dorian as a greeting on the way, but the mage held out his hand to stop Cullen.

“If you are planning a visit to our lovely Inquisitor, don’t bother. Varric and I have been trying to reach her, but she has locked herself in her chambers and refuses to open the door” Dorian said. 

Cullen frowned. “She hasn’t come out at all?” 

Dorian shook his head. “Not for food, not for anything. I overheard a quite unnerving conversation between her and Solas yesterday, and she was already a little unstable. I'm afraid it broke her” 

“Solas? What did he say to her?!” Cullen asked, anger flaring up. 

Dorian shrugged. “He accused her of lying to people by still allowing them to believe she was sent by Andraste. He asked her if she enjoyed being at the center of attention. He told her she made the wrong choice by giving the Wardens a second chance. He said something about loathing humans. I believe he used the words _thuggish, simple and crude._ Quite uncalled for”. 

Cullen exhaled sharply. “And Gabriela? What did she say?” he said through gritted teeth. 

“She was upset. Understandably so. I tried to talk to her, but she fled to her chambers. Hasn’t left them since” 

Cullen closed his eyes and forced himself to calm down. He would deal with Solas later. Gabby was a first priority. “I will try to talk to her” he said in a low voice as he opened his eyes. 

Dorian nodded. “Good luck, friend. If anyone can get through to her, it is probably you”. 

* * *

Cullen knocked on the locked door to Gabby’s room moments later, awaiting a response. He heard nothing. 

“Gabriela?” he called out. Still nothing. 

“Gabriela, please, whatever happened yesterday, whatever Solas said to you, there are people who care and worry about you. Will you please open this door?” 

Nothing. 

He tried a few more times, knocking, calling out, pleading for her to open up – her door and her heart – to him. But nothing happened. He walked away feeling disappointed and helpless. He decided he would try again later and perhaps she was just sleeping. 

He tried to distract himself with work the rest of the day, but he couldn’t steer his mind away from Gabby – what was she doing, sitting in her chambers all day by herself? Why would she isolate herself like that? He cursed himself for being so preoccupied by his own troubles that he had not noticed how bad things had gotten for her. 

He went back to knock on her door in the evening, but there was still no response. He considered breaking her lock, but he wanted to respect her obvious wish to be alone. He tried to think of other ways to reach her, but could think of none. He located Jenna afterwards, asking if she had spoken to Gabby at all since yesterday, but the girl shook her head sadly. 

 _What is going through your head, my love?_ He thought. 

He stayed up working until late in the evening, keeping himself busy, postponing the moment when he would have to go to bed knowing that the nightmares would come back. He was so focused on what he was writing that he nearly jumped out of his skin when he suddenly heard a voice behind him. 

“Dark, so dark. She wants a way out, but can’t see through the darkness” 

Cullen jumped up from his chair and spun around. “Cole?” he said, surprised. He hadn’t seen the strange kid in at least a month. “What are you talking about?” 

“She’s trying to fight, but she doesn’t know what she’s fighting for. She’s tired, she can’t fight anymore” Cole said. 

“Are you talking about Gabriela?” Cullen asked, his stomach twisting as as a feeling of nausea rose up. 

“Dark, dank, deep. It’s deep. Too deep, for her to escape the darkness. All she wants is to escape the darkness” 

What Cole was saying chilled Cullen to the bone. 

He stepped closer to Cole, snarling “Make some sense, boy! Is she hurt? Is Gabriela hurt?” 

Cole shook his head. “She wants to _not_ hurt anymore, that’s what I’m saying” the kid said desperately, as if he didn’t understand why Cullen didn’t just _get it_. “But no forgetting, she won’t let me help her forget. I don’t understand! Why would she rather jump into the darkness than forget?” 

 _Jump into the darkness._ Cullen’s heart stopped as he remembered what she had told him some time ago. _I tried to take my own life then,_ she’d said. 

Without thinking about it any longer, he started running. He ran as fast as he could, thanking the Maker that he wasn’t wearing his heavy armour that would have prevented him from running as fast. _Please, dear Maker, let me be fast enough,_ he thought. He burst through the door and ran up the stairway that led to Gabby’s chambers. When he came to her door, he threw his body against it with all his strength and broke the lock, running up again, until he reached the top of the stairs. 

He looked around fervently, and his heart stopped once more when he saw her stand on top of the balustrade on her balcony, her arms hanging limp from her body, a broken glass on the floor. He surged forward, locking his fingers around her wrist and pulling her down. She lost her balance and fell backwards from the balustrade and he caught her and immense relief flooded him that he had been fast enough. 

He spun her around and locked her in place with his hands. “Maker’s breath, what are you doing?!” he said, out of breath from running. Her eyes were red from crying, the brandy was heavy on her breath. 

“Why must you insist on saving me every time I break down?” she asked, her voice low and monotone. 

“Cole came to me, he said… the things he told me, they frightened me. Tell me he wasn’t right, that you weren’t going to…” he didn’t finish his sentence, because he already knew the answer. 

Gabby averted her eyes and he felt her starting to tremble. She didn’t speak. Desperation got the better of him. “Gabriela! Talk to me!” he said, the words coming out harsher than he had intended. 

“Cullen, I’m so tired” she whispered then, sounding so defeated that it broke his heart. “I’m not strong enough. All I do is let people down. I just want… I can’t fight anymore, Cullen. You could find a better Inquisitor, someone who is better than I could ever be…” 

He had started shaking his head, more fervently as she continued speaking, and then something snapped inside him. “STOP!” he called out as he shook her hard, and he immediately regretted being so rough with her, but he couldn’t bear to hear her beat herself down the way she did. 

“You need to stop this, Gabriela! Just stop saying these things, they’re not true. You did not let anybody down. In your position, with your responsibilities, everybody understands that you have trouble sometimes with keeping yourself together. And you can hide away your scars as much as you’d like, but that doesn’t make them disappear. You’re allowed to let go sometimes, break down, just allow those who care about you to help you back up when you do. Everybody here believes in you, even if you do not. You have not ruined _anything_ ”. 

He saw that her eyes were tearing up again, but she wiped them away, seemingly irritated with herself for crying in front of him, which seemed ridiculous to him. When she tried to pull away from him, he tightened his grip, not allowing her to go anywhere else but right where she was. 

“Cullen, please” she pleaded with him, “I’m sure you have a lot of work to do, and I don’t want to keep you from it. I need some time to think too” 

Cullen’s jaw nearly dropped. _Is she being serious right now? Does she really think I will leave her alone after his?_

He shook his head forcefully. “I’m staying here tonight. You will not be alone. You need somebody to protect you from yourself right now”. 

She tried to protest, but he ignored her and lifted her into his arms, carrying her to her bed and laying her in it, wrapping the blanket around her. The next thing he did was lock the balcony door, so she wouldn’t be able to... to do anything while he was sleeping. That he even had to worry about that made him shudder. He put the balcony key in his pocket. 

When he turned around, Gabby was still staring at him, looking so fragile, so broken, that his heart ached for her. _What in the Maker’s name happens in that head of yours, that drives you to these extreme measures?_ He thought, remembering the things she’d said to him before. He wondered, as always, how she could be so convinced that she wasn’t strong enough when the whole world could see that she obviously was - or that people didn’t care for her when there were so many people around her who loved her? _I love you, Gabriela. Don’t you see that?_

He walked towards the bed, and lowered himself to kiss Gabby on her forehead. “You need sleep, Gabriela. We will talk about things tomorrow. We will ask Cole. Maybe he can help you” he said softly. Cole had helped so many people, maybe if she’d let him, he could help her too. Gabby didn’t speak, and her lack of responsiveness frustrated him – he didn’t know what else to do or say. He looked around, spotted the sofa and sighed. 

“I will be right there, on the sofa. I will be here all night, so just tell me if you need anything at all”. He said. 

“Cullen” she whispered then, almost inaudibly, and he turned around to look at her. “Please, just join me in the bed. You need sleep, too, and that sofa is not as comfortable as it looks”. 

Cullen looked at the sofa again, and then to the bed, and he hesitated. The bed _did_ seem a lot more comfortable, and wanted nothing more than to share it with her, but he didn’t want it to look like he was taking advantage of her in her fragile state. _Where is your mind, Rutherford?_ He thought, _It’s not as if she’s asking you to make love to her._ So he nodded, and shed only his boots before climbing into the bed next to her. 

Gabby immediately shuffled over to him and pressed her body against his, and he couldn’t help but circle his arms around her. He held her close, kissing her softly on her forehead, jaw and neck, and soon he felt her breathing slow down indicating she was falling asleep. He kept her close, not daring to let go of her, and rested his forehead against hers. 

Though this was not the first night they’d spent together, this time felt so much more intense. Lying in bed with the woman he loved in his arms was definitely something he could get used to, but still he couldn’t lose the bitter taste of the events leading him to be here. He knew this wouldn’t be the end of it. She wouldn’t wake up in the morning feeling happy and strong again and forget about this night. He would have to keep her close for the coming time. He couldn’t seem to mind. 

“Sleep well, my love” he whispered softly, pressing one more soft kiss to her lips before closing his eyes and following her into sleep.


	14. The Right Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I've been in couch potato mode the last couple of weeks. Here is the chapter I know you've all been waiting for. Enjoy :)

He awoke in the middle of the night, with Gabby half on top of him, her leg in between his, her hands on his abdomen, kissing him passionately. At first he thought he was dreaming, a wonderful dream, and he groaned softly. When he realised he was in fact awake, alarm bells rang in his head. _You wouldn’t take advantage of her like this, remember?_ His mind screamed, though the though was dim since most of his blood had gone south, and his whole body screamed for him to make love to this woman. 

It cost him all of his discipline, of which he thankfully had a lot, to pull away from her. 

Gabby stroked his cheek, her hand trembling. “Cullen, please, I’ve wanted this for so long. I love you, Cullen, I just…” she said, and then she fell quiet. 

Cullen’s eyes widened as he looked into her eyes, not sure if he’d heard that correctly. “What did you just say?” 

Panic sparked in Gabby’s eyes. “I… it’s nothing, forget I said anything…” she stammered, pulling away from him again. But Cullen had no intention of letting that one go, and he held her with strong hands as he rolled her onto her back and raised himself on top of her. 

“Don’t ask me to forget that” he whispered, and lowered his head to kiss her, with as much passion as he could summon, to send the message to her that he so desperately needed her to understand. “I love you too, Gabriela. More than I ever would have thought. And I worry for you, for the things you make yourself believe, for what those thought do to you”. There. He’d said it. He waited tensely for her response. 

She responded by kissing him, small kisses, in between which she whispered “All I can think about right now is you”. It was enough for him, for now. His body won from his mind, and he let his hand slide down her body, realising with shock that she had taken her nightgown off, probably before he’d woken up. Her skin was smooth, more so than he could ever have dreamed. He enjoyed her softness as much as possible, letting his hand glide over her skin as slowly as he could. Gabby seemed to disagree with his methods, because she pressed her pelvis against his now throbbing member, and he groaned with closed eyes while she pushed the limits of his self-control. 

When she started pulling on the fabric of his tunic, he raised himself to pull the item of clothing over his head and throw it on the floor. The way she looked at him then was so adorable – as if he was the most wonderful thing she’d ever seen - that he chuckled when she said “you are too good to be true”. It just seemed a little ridiculous that she would be so in awe of him when she, herself, seemed a living goddess to him. He tried to tell her that with his kisses, on her throat, her neck, her collarbone. They were a silent message to her that she was beautiful, that he wanted her, that he would never be whole without her again. 

When his lips found their way to her nipple, she moaned softly, and though this was not the first time he had drawn this sound from her lips, it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard, and that motivated him to increase his efforts. He sucked on her nipple softly, and she started writhing underneath him, making him ravenous for her. She’d somehow managed to undo the buttons of his trousers, and he yanked them down his legs, never taking his lips off her breast. He’d taken off his undergarments as well, but it didn’t matter – he knew where this was going. 

He rubbed himself against her and groaned when he felt how ready she was for him already. He raised himself again, sliding his finger down her body, enjoying every inch, to finally reach her smallclothes, in which he hooked the tip of his finger to slide them slowly down her legs. 

He took a moment to look at her body before lowering himself again and he was in awe. This was, without a doubt, the most beautiful, soft, amazing woman he had ever met and seen. He was a little breathless as he whispered “Maker, you’re so beautiful…”. 

She pulled at him, her nails scratching at his hips, and he lowered himself and pressed his lips to her throat again. When she started begging him to make love to her, he nearly lost himself. He chuckled at seeing how desperately she wanted him to, more to himself than to her, because it seemed so unrealistic that he wondered again if this was not a dream after all. 

He moved his hand between her leg and she gasped when he touched her _there._ She was wet and slick and his cock twitched in response. “You certainly are ready for it” he murmured. He couldn’t wait any longer, he knew, he wanted this as much, maybe even more, than she did. So he positioned himself over her, and before pushing himself inside of her he placed his hands on the side of her face, resting his forehead against hers to take in the sight of those big, green, beautiful eyes, belonging to the woman that he loved. 

She shivered underneath him, her eyes asking him silently _what are you waiting for?_. So he pushed himself inside her slowly, deeply, relishing the feeling. He closed his eyes, gasped and breathed “Maker’s breath”. This went far beyond any other time he had shared a bed with a woman. Those times it was often purely lust, or shallow infatuation. This was a merging of souls and hearts as well as bodies. He looked at her, at her eyes, the emotion in them making her seem so fragile. “I love you so much, Gabriela” he whispered. 

The response he got was not the one he’d wanted or expected. She seemed fearful, panicked. When she sobbed softly his whole body tensed, in fear that he had gone too far. _This was the worst time to do this,_ he thought to himself, _you should have held her, comforted her, instead of trying to get into her trousers. But then, why did she push this so much?_

“My love?” he asked, and in response she averted and closed her eyes. “Look at me, please” he pleaded with her. “Am I hurting you? Do you want me to stop?”. 

A tear rolled down her cheek, which alarmed him even more, but she whispered “Don’t ever stop”, and kissed him. He didn’t understand. She seemed so eager to be physical with him, but whenever it came to sharing or showing emotions and feelings of affection, that seemed to panic her. It was as if she was afraid that he would see beyond her mask, but didn’t she know that he’d seen what was behind it a long time ago?  That he saw it every day? And that he loved the person behind it? 

He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he _should_ stop, if he was not doing harm to their relationship by continuing this, when her fingers dug into his hips and the desperare look in her eyes broke his resolve. He couldn’t have stopped even if he wanted to. 

So he moved, thrusting into her slowly, gently, never letting his eyes leave hers. Any sign of panic, sadness or fear, and he would stop, he told himself. But her expression was one of nothing but pleasure now, the way her body writhed underneath his supporting that. It drove him to the edge of his self-control once more, and he relaxed as he let the intensity of their lovemaking overtake him. His hands traveled over her entire body, leaving no area untouched, and he hoped she could feel how much he loved every inch of her. She held on to him so tightly, it was as if she was afraid he would disappear. 

“I love you” he whispered into her ear, repeating the words over and over again until she would have no choice but to believe them. As he moved inside her, she moved underneath him, together with him until suddenly, she cried out in pleasure, digging her fingernails into his skin, making him wince. Growing tight around his manhood, she drew him with her into climax, and he thrust into her one last time, closing his eyes. Gabby tilted her hips, allowing him to push himself into her deeper, and Cullen gasped at how good it felt to do so. 

“Maker,” he gasped, opening his eyes to look at her while trying to catch his breath, “That was incredible”. 

Gabby nodded and closed her eyes, a contented smile on her lips. He felt her hands on his hips pushing, urging him to lay down so he rolled off her, onto the mattress next to her. He wrapped his arms around her immediately to pull her against him and placed a soft kiss on her temple. 

Cullen rubbed her back softly and felt her shiver a little. He looked at her face, so serene, so beautiful. So different from how it had looked when he came to her room only hours ago. He thought of how broken she’d looked, how utterly despaired. _If I had come to her chambers a moment later, if Cole hadn’t come to me…_  

“Gabriela?” he said in a soft voice. She opened her eyes, still smiling, but that smile faltered when she saw the expression on his face. “I can’t lose you” he whispered. Tears filled her eyes again and Cullen hated himself for bringing this up now, after making love to her, but he had to say it. He needed to hear her _say it_. 

When she just nodded, he continued with “Say it… I want to hear you promise that you will not hurt yourself”. 

A tear rolled down her cheek and it only increased Cullen’s desperate need to hear her promise. He knew that without it, he would not be able to leave her side the next day without fearing her safety. 

“Please…” he urged, pulling her tightly against his body. 

“I…” She said, and he could hear her voice break. “I promise…” she continued, and then buried her face into his chest. “I promise I won’t hurt myself” she whispered, almost inaudibly but he heard her, and it was enough for now. 

He placed a gentle kiss on her hair before saying “Thank you, I needed to hear that. I love you, Gabriela”. 

“I love you too, Cullen” she said, her voice still thick with emotion. 

He held her close as they both drifted into sleep.


	15. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm still alive. Here's another chapter full of sweetness to brighten your day :).

Cullen woke up from a strange sound in the morning and as he opened his eyes to see the bed empty next to him, his heart sunk. He heard another sound, like a suppressed sob, and he turned around to see Gabriela crouching on the floor next to the bed. She was crying. 

“Gabriela? My love? What’s wrong?” he asked, frowning and scanning the room as if he would find the hidden culprit behind his lover’s tears. When he looked at her, his eyes fell on the balcony key in her hand. _Why would she…? She made me a promise last night, would she really break it while I was asleep in her bed?_ His confused mind whispered. 

Gabriela dropped the key immediately. “Nothing, it’s… nothing” she stammered, “I was going to clean the glass from the balcony”. 

Cullen moved closer to the edge of the bed to wipe a tear from her cheek, not fully convinced she was telling the truth. “Truly?” 

“Truly” she responded, avoiding eye contact which only alarmed Cullen more. 

“Come back to bed,” he said, hearing the desperation in his own voice, “nobody’s going out on that balcony anytime soon. You can clean it later”. 

To his immense relief, she nodded and joined him in the bed. His arms locked around her, and he made himself a promise not to let go of her until he felt absolutely comfortable doing so. _You might be in this bed forever,_ he thought to himself. He would do it gladly. 

“Look at me, love” he whispered when he noticed she still avoided his gaze, gently cupping her chin to pull her face closer to his. When their eyes met, he felt the tension slipping away from her, her muscles relaxing in his embrace. Her eyes softened and he smiled at her. “So it wasn’t a dream, then. I’m glad. It would be a cruel Maker to send you to me in the Fade only to take you away from me in the waking world”. 

She smiled at him and his heart soared and everything was forgotten but how much he loved the woman in his arms. Her eyes closed again but this time in contentment, and she sighed deeply and happily. He knew he should be in his office - he could imagine the confused looks on his messengers’ faces to find it empty – but this was where he wanted to be. It had been such a long time since he had chosen to do something he _wanted_ to do over something he _should_ do. It had been a long time since he had felt happiness. Since he had felt love. He wanted to surround himself with it, bathe in it. 

But he knew this would be a fleeting moment – they were still at war, he still had duties, _she still tried to kill herself last night._ He tried to keep himself still as the thought rang though his mind as clear as a bell since he didn’t want to disturb her calmness. But it was still there, the crippling fear that he might lose her to Corypheus, to some demon or dragon or bandit, or worse - to herself. The fear that this happiness that he had - unbeknownst to himself - craved for so long, would be taken away from him again. The events at Adamant were still fresh in his memory.

A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts. 

“Gabby?” a voice sounded, and then light footsteps on the stairs. _The lock! You fool!_ Cullen thought to himself, and pulled the sheets up a little more to cover both himself and Gabriela. 

When Jenna reached the top of the stairs, her face immediately turned bright red and her eyes widened. She was staring at them, and Cullen couldn’t help but feel equally annoyed at and sorry for the girl. 

A flurry of words came out of her mouth in the form of _Oh my_ ’s and apologies, but Gabriela didn’t appear very bothered by the girl’s presence at all. She sighed and said “It’s fine, Jenna. I’m sorry you had to find us like this. What is it?”.

After informing Gabriela that Varric had asked for her, Jenna finally managed to tear her eyes away and Cullen started to feel more and more sorry for her, but also a bit amused. A pair of stunning emerald eyes turning towards him distracted him from Jenna's embarrassment. Gabby looked at him as if asking him what he thought she should do.

“I suppose we should make an appearance. You worried a lot of your friends the past few days, with the state you were in” he said, and he saw her face fall a little. She nodded and looked at Jenna again. 

“Jenna, please tell Varric I will break my fast with him. I will come to the great hall in a few moments”. The girl was gone as soon as Gabby had spoken the words. 

“I forgot to tell you I broke your lock when I came into your room last night. Poor girl” Cullen said into Gabby’s ear in a low voice, and he felt as well as heard her chuckle. It was a happy, light sound. He was suddenly very aware that she was very much naked in the bed with him. He couldn’t stop himself from sucking on her earlobe a little and his body immediately responded to the soft moan that he drew from her lips with that. 

He wanted so badly to let his hands travel over her body, feel her shudder under his touch as she had last night, taste her. “Poor girl? Do you have any idea how many women in this keep would give an arm to see you like this?” she teased, poking his chest with her index finger. He took hold of her hand and placed a gentle kiss on it, suppressing his desire to leave a trail of kisses on her arm and to explore the rest of her body with his mouth. 

“Well, you are a lucky woman, then” he responded, smiling. “Take one last look then if you must. I would have stayed with you for the rest of the day, but you just made Master Tethras a promise. And I should return to my duties as well. Messengers will be swarming into my office in only moments”. 

She kissed him, weakening his resolve immediately. “Please join me for breakfast?” she pleaded, “You need nourishment, Cullen. I know you haven’t been eating or sleeping well. We tackled the sleeping problem for now, now let me help you with the eating problem”. 

 _She still worries about me?_ He thought. This woman baffled him at every turn. He sighed but smiled at her and said “well, alright, then”. He didn’t think he would ever be able to say no to her, not when she looked at him the way she did in that moment. 

He tried not to stare too obviously, but he couldn’t help himself from glancing at her once or twice as she walked around her chambers picking up random items of clothing that she had thrown everywhere. He noticed other things aside from her incredible body too – the almost empty bottle of brandy, the plate of food that had been left un-eaten on her desk – and he shivered a little as the memory of the night before rolled in yet again. He would speak to her today, he decided, he would emphasise how much he – _they_ – needed her. He would spend every night with her until he was sure she was feeling better if necessary. 

When both of them were dressed and ready to go, Cullen followed her downstairs. He casually took her hand in his own and threaded his fingers through hers, smiling at her. She beamed at him with a look of pride that would befit a young child, which made him chuckle. All eyes fell upon them as they entered the main hall and Cullen wondered briefly about the gossip that would spread through the barracks later. Before he could decide whether or not to worry about that, he was distracted by Gabby’s body stiffening next to his and saw the fear flash in her eyes as Varric approached them. 

He squeezed her hand. She looked up at him, and he smiled. _Varric cares deeply for you. You’ll see._  

“Took you two long enough” Varric said as he approached them, reaching to hug Gabby without a moment of hesitation. Cullen saw the relief flood over her as she returned the hug. 

“How are you, Varric?” She asked slowly after they ended their embrace. 

“I’m alright, considering” the dwarf responded, shrugging. Cullen wondered if he should leave the two of them alone for this, but he wanted to stay by Gabby’s side as well. He looked to Gabby to see what she preferred, but she was completely focused on Varric. 

“I feel horrible, Varric, I wish I could do something to make it better, to…” she stammered. 

Varric sighed and looked around, and as Cullen followed his gaze he noticed most of the people around them were still staring. “Maybe we should sit down for this” the dwarf said and Gabby nodded. 

After getting some food, the three of them sat down at one of the tables. Cullen could tell Gabby was nervous -  she didn’t speak and her eyes were aimed at the floor. Such a difference between this girl and the woman that sat in the Inquisitor’s seat passing judgement on people. 

“Losing Hawke was not easy for me, that’s true” Varric began to say, and Cullen could feel Gabby tense up next to him again. “But I always knew I would probably lose him like this one day. It was just so like him to jump into the fire to save everybody else”. With a chuckle he continued “as much as he complained about always having to be the one to fix other people’s problems”. 

“But I made the call. Alistair and Hawke, they were arguing about who would stay behind, and…” Gabby stammered. Cullen wanted so badly to tell her again that it was not her fault, but he knew this was a conversation that she needed to have with Varric so he stayed silent. 

“If you’d told Alistair to stay, then it would have been the people he loved grieving right now. It was a lose-lose situation, Freckles, and with the pressure you were under, you made a choice. This is war, and you didn’t choose that, or the position that you’re in. It was forced upon you” Varric said, reaching for her hand. “And war brings casualties. I never wanted one of those casualties to be one of my best friends, but don’t think I wasn’t relieved to see that another of my best friends _did_ make it out”. 

 _Well said, friend_ Cullen thought, silently watching the exchange and the tears forming in Gabby’s eyes, squeezing her hand. 

“Varric…” she whispered. 

“I know things haven’t been easy for you lately, Freckles. But the last thing you need is to feel responsible for the situation that Corypheus put us in. We need to focus on making him pay for everything that’s happened, instead of punishing ourselves” Varric said. 

Gabby nodded, and Cullen felt her body slowly relax. “And we will” he added, “Now that we’ve got him where we want him, we’ll end this war finally, once and for all”. 

Gabby raised her eyes to meet his, a hint of alarm in them. “I almost forgot to tell you about what Morrigan showed me” she said. 

She told Varric and him about where Morrigan had taken her. Through the mirror – the Eluvian – to what she called ‘the crossroads’. She told them Corypheus might have located one in the Arbor Wilds. That if he succeeded in using it for his own goals he could destroy Thedas and the Inquisition would not stand a chance. That she had followed Morrigan through the mirror without hesitating unsettled Cullen, he still didn't trust the witch.

“If this is true,” he said after she had finished, “If that is what Corypheus is after, then we need to move quickly. I need to get our men ready for another battle”. 

He moved to stand up, when Varric said “Whoa, Curly, he won’t take over the world in the next few minutes. Maybe you should finish your breakfast first”. 

“Yeah, Cullen, you need to eat, remember?” Gabby added quickly, her eyes silently begging him to stay a little longer. He would never be able to resist her. 

He smiled a little and sighed before agreeing to stay, but he finished his food as quickly as he could. This new information made him uneasy and he needed to get to work. After his last bite he dropped his fork and stood up, but before he could say anything Gabby touched his arm. 

“Wait,” She said, “I’ll walk with you”. 

He tried to be patient as Gabby and Varric said their goodbyes and Varric reassured her once more that they would get through it, but he was relieved when Gabby looked up at him and said she was ready to leave. As they crossed the courtyard he thought about getting his soldiers ready to march to the Wilds, about the next battle, about everything that happened during the last battle… _I almost lost her,_ he thought. He’d almost lost her again last night.  

As they reached the stairs that led up to the battlements and started climbing them, he thought about how much the idea of losing her hurt him every time, how it would continue to hurt him during every battle that was still to come. It dawned on him that even though they'd professed their feelings for each other and spent the night together, they hadn’t spoken about what all of this meant. _What if she’s merely seeking refuge with me? What if after the final battle she decides to leave this life and go home?_ She had told him she loved him, but while he could hardly stand even thinking about a life without her, she had been ready to leave him behind the night before.  

“Wait” he said softly before they entered his office and she looked at him questioningly. He swallowed, reached for her hand and threading his fingers through hers. “I never thanked you for what you did for me yesterday”. 

“What?” 

“When you came to see me… I wasn’t in a good state. If you hadn’t…” _Smooth, Rutherford._ He awkwardly raised his free hand to rub his neck. 

Gabby squeezed his hand, but she might as well have squeezed his heart when she said the words “Well, you weren’t about to throw yourself off a balcony, so I suppose it could have been worse”. She meant it as a jest, no doubt, but it hit Cullen hard that she would joke about that now.  

Gabby’s eyes widened in shock when she realised the effect her words had on him. “Oh, Maker, no, I’m sorry, I wanted to…”. 

She shook her head and he could almost hear her beating herself up in her mind as she pulled her hand from his and stepped back, crossing her arms in front of her chest and completely closing herself to him like she always used to do. “I’m really sorry. I hope you’re feeling better now though. I hated seeing you like that”. 

Almost instinctively, Cullen closed the distance she had created between them and wrapped his arms around her. “Gabriela” he said. He waited for her to raise her eyes and meet his. “I am feeling better and that’s largely because of you. I should not have pushed myself so far, you were right about that. And I don’t think you realise how much it means to me that you have faith in me, that you told me I was strong enough”. 

He smiled at her and traced the soft skin of her cheek with his thumb. “This war won’t last forever. When it started, I hadn’t considered much beyond our survival. But things are different now”. 

“Why?” Gabby asked a little breathless. 

“When this is over, I won’t want to move on, not from you” he said, never breaking eye contact, his heart pounding as he watched her eyes widen and her expression change. 

She didn’t answer him and the more seconds that passed, the more nervous he got. “I-I don’t know what you- I mean, if you…” he said, sounding like an idiot to himself and probably to her. 

She seemed baffled. Her mouth opened and she shook her head a little before she said “Are you _really_ asking me this right now?”. 

Cullen's mouth opened and closed. He wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t sure what _she_ was saying. 

“Have you _seen_ yourself?” Gabby added when he stayed silent, “What woman would be daft enough to say no to that?!” 

When he realised what she was saying, he felt his body relax and he started to laugh. Gabby smiled at him – the sweetest, purest smile. “Cullen…” she said when he finished laughing, leaning closer to him and placing both her hands on his chest. “I love you. I’ve never met a man so strong, so kind, so good. I want nothing more than to have a future with you after all of this. I just never thought…” she let that sentence trail off and Cullen tightened his hold on her.  

“Never thought what?” 

She drew in a deep, shaky breath before continuing. “I never thought _you_ would”. 

 _It always comes back to this._ Cullen chuckled. “What a fine pair we make” he said, and leaned down to kiss her. Her soft lips parted for his and he breathed in her sweet scent before pulling away and leaning his forehead against hers. “You are…” he said, sighing, “I’ve never felt anything like this”. 

Gabby looked up at him like he was too good to be true, mirroring his exact emotions of that moment. “Me neither,” she said, “but I never want to lose this feeling”. 

 _Never,_ he agreed in his mind as she kissed him and he kissed her back with everything he had.


	16. The Beast Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! After a few months of heavy soulsearching and lack of a muse, I'm finally inspired again!  
> So to make up for my absence, here is a chapter full of love and smut <3

Cullen spent the rest of that day reading and writing letters, overseeing the training of his recruits, getting his soldiers ready for the next big battle.  As much as he tried to focus on doing his job, his mind drifted more than once to the night he had shared with Gabriela. The overwhelming fear he had felt, the love that had followed that fear. But as much as he wanted to spend this time thinking about the love of his life, he knew there were more important matters at hand. She had told him that she wanted a future with him, and that made him all the more motivated to make sure they _had_ a future to look forward to. 

When the sun set and it was time to put his quill down, all he had to do was look at the ladder to his bedroom to know that was not where he wanted to spend his night. He worried about Gabby in spite of her promise to him – he knew how hard it would be for her to spend the night alone in her current mental state. He had experienced it. 

He replaced his armour with casual clothes and made his way to her chambers. He climbed the stairs, knocked on her door and waited patiently for her to invite him in. When he reached her bedroom and saw her lying in her bed, looking at him with sleepy eyes and a loving smile, it warmed his heart. 

“I thought I might stay here again tonight, if that is alright with you of course” he said. 

The way her smile widened told him enough. “of course” she responded, “You’re always welcome here”. 

“Good,” Cullen said as he unbuttoned his shirt and stepped closer to the bed. “because I plan on doing so until you’ve recovered. And perhaps beyond that, if you’ll have me”. 

Her smile turned into a grin. “Do you even need to ask? How could I ever resist a handsome man such as you?”. 

He chuckled as he kicked his boots off, and soon his trousers joined them on the floor. Before stepping into the bed, he leaned over to kiss her, pausing for a second to gaze into her lovely green eyes, the eyes that held so much depth that he sometimes feared drowning in them. As soon as he joined her under the covers she pressed her body against his and he wrapped his arms around her as though he intended to never let her go. If it were up to him, he never would. 

“How have you been today?” he asked, softly stroking the skin of her back with his hand. 

“Better” Gabby responded with a soft smile, “I spoke to some of my friends”. 

“Good” 

“I spoke to Blackwall as well” Gabby added after a short silence, the tension in her voice obvious. 

 _Not so good,_ Cullen thought, although he quickly decided that he would let her speak before drawing conclusions. “And what did he say?” he asked, making sure she would not hear any wariness in his voice. 

She sighed and averted her eyes and he felt a knot form in his stomach. “He said that he was a fool for letting me walk away. That he’s regretted it ever since. That he still has feelings for me” she spoke in a soft voice.

 _That man has some nerve,_ Cullen thought, _surely all of Skyhold must know by now that she is with me. Is he that delusional or is he challenging me for her affection?_

“Well” he said, “I’ll have to agree with him, he _was_ a fool for letting you go”. He was still cautious about the tone of his voice, he knew it was difficult for her to talk about this and he wanted her to feel completely comfortable about telling him things that were difficult for her. But he couldn’t ignore the resentment that he felt bubbling up towards the bearded Warden.

“The day I walked away from him... That was the day you and I first kissed” Gabby said then, and Cullen couldn’t quite hide his reaction to that. 

_Why is she telling me this? Is she saying she only kissed me because she felt abandoned by him? Is she saying he was her first choice all along?_

“I’m not sure I needed to know that” he muttered. But he knew the truth already – he saw it in the fear in her eyes, the way her breathing became shallow. She was testing him, pushing him away to see if he would let her. He would not. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, that was really stupid, I… I was trying to say that…” Gabby stammered, and Cullen immediately drew her closer in response. 

“It’s alright, Gabriela” he said softly, “Whatever happened before, I’m glad that you came to see me that day”. He pressed a kiss against her forehead and smiled, and he knew he meant those words. Whatever had happened in the past, whatever had led them to each other, he knew nothing could nor would tear them apart now. 

“As am I” Gabby whispered. “I’m not sure I would have gotten through the last months without you. And if you hadn’t been here last night…” 

Her mention of what had happened the night before momentarily reawaked the fear that he had felt and his arms tightened around her once more. “Don’t remind me, Gabriela”, he said – _I can’t think about the fact that I almost lost you forever._

She shook. “I’m sorry…” she half-sobbed, and her eyes fled from his again. _Why do you do this, my love? You have nothing to be sorry for, you have said nothing wrong. It is my own weakness that I can’t bear the thought of losing you, to another man or to yourself. And it is a weakness that I will gladly carry if that is what it takes to have you in my life._

“Gabriela” he said, and her emerald eyes met his. He saw the tears she so desperately tried to suppress. “Stop torturing yourself”. 

He wanted to say so much more, but he also wanted to end this conversation since it was not doing either of them any good so he just kissed her, closed his eyes and continued softly caressing her back. 

He was close to sleep when her voice roused him. “Cullen?” she whispered. 

“Hm?” 

“Why do you keep coming back?” she asked. 

He opened his eyes and found her staring at him, her eyes filled with emotion. “What do you mean?” he asked. 

“Well, pretty much the only thing you’ve seen me do is cry and break down” Gabby said, her voice low and fragile, “You said you want a future with me, but I’m clueless as to why you would enjoy spending time with me. Most men would have run for the hills by now, but you haven’t” 

 _There is more,_ he thought, and waited for her to continue, but she stayed quiet. 

He moved his hand, sliding it up her back and neck to finally cup her face, forcing her to look at him as he responded to her question. 

“That’s not all I’ve seen you do, Gabriela. I’ve seen you be fiercely loyal and protective to your friends, jumping in front of them when they’re in danger without hesitation. I’ve seen how you are with Jenna, the girl you took off the streets with her brother and provided with a home when you could’ve easily left her. I’ve seen you do everything you can to protect and care for strangers. Even though you were born into nobility, you’ve never treated people differently, because to you it doesn’t matter who they are or where they came from, they’re all equal. And when I did see you break down, it was always because you felt like you failed those people somehow. Because everything that goes wrong, everybody who died serving the inquisition, everybody who was hurt because of this war, you take responsibility for.

Not once have you questioned my past, or the things I did, when you had every right to. You told me I’m strong enough to get through the Lyrium withdrawal, you choose to support me, even though it would have been perfectly within your rights to make me take it again for the good of the inquisition. You welcomed the Templars into the Inquisition, the Wardens too. You give everybody a second chance, or a third one if necessary, because you believe in the goodness of people. And on top of that, you're strong, honest and devastatingly beautiful”. 

As he spoke, her eyes teared up again and he felt her tremble. “I love you for all of that, Gabriela. How could I not?” he continued, “And that is why I keep coming back. I only wish you would give yourself the second chance that you so easily give to others”. 

A tear rolled down her cheek and Cullen frowned. “Are you alright? Did I say something wrong?”. 

He almost chuckled at how wildly she shook her head. “No! No…” she said, “You’re perfect. Everything you said was perfect. It’s just… you make me sound like some kind of saint”. 

Cullen chuckled in response, letting the glow of her words warm him. _You’re perfect._  

He pulled her closer until there was absolutely no space between them, and muttered in a low, seductive voice “I certainly hope not, because in that case It would be blasphemous for me to do this…” before kissing her deeply and passionately. His hands explored her body and she seemed to melt under his touch. He wanted her, body and soul, and he knew she wanted him as well. 

His hand slid down her leg, stopping at her knee so he could hook her leg around his waist. His hand travelled upwards again slowly, sliding underneath her nightgown. The way she pressed herself against his growing manhood drove him wild but he wanted to drag out this moment as long as he could, playing with the seams of her smallclothes and enjoying the sounds he drew from her mouth as he moved towards and away from her most sensitive spot. He chuckled when he felt her entire body tense in response. 

When she bit his lower lip, he couldn’t control himself any longer and he slid his finger inside her, gasping slightly at how wet she was already. Everything about this woman amazed him, turned him on, and he reveled in her small moans and whimpers, the way she pressed her nails into his back whenever his fingers made the right movements. Her body started to twitch with every flick of his finger and he could feel from the tension in her muscles that she was close to climax already, and he was torn between the desire to make this last and to see her unleash, lose control. 

The decision was easy to make when she begged him “Cullen, oh please, don’t stop…”, and being a loyal soldier he obeyed until she cried out his name and tensed and tightened and finally went limp in his arms, gasping for air. 

His own desire was now very much apparent and he raised himself over her, chuckling. “People will wonder what kind of animal attacked me when they see the marks you leave on my back” 

She opened her mouth to respond, but he thrust himself inside her and whatever she wanted to say went lost. He moved slowly, pushing himself deep inside her before pulling out again. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her – the way she looked at him with a mix of passion, desire, love. He covered every part of her with small kisses, making sure not to forget a single patch of her skin. He threaded his fingers through hers, raising her arms over her head and continued his kisses there as he lost himself in her completely. There had been no moment in his life more perfect than this one, nobody who had made him feel more complete. He wanted to wordlessly thank her for everything she gave him, worship her in the best way he could think of – by becoming one with her, by bringing her physical and emotional pleasure for the rest of their lives together. 

When she climaxed again, her tightening around his manhood pulled him over the edge as well and he pushed himself inside her deeply once more to spill his seed in her, in a way to claim her as his, for now and forever. They held on to each other as they both caught their breaths, only to continue kissing and caressing each other as if they were just beginning. 

They made love again when his member grew hard soon after, and Cullen pinned Gabby down as he thrust into her, more forcefully, his need for her growing with each thrust. Her screams echoed through the room, spurring him on, unleashing a beast inside him of which its existence he had never been aware. He felt her nails dig into his skin again but he welcomed the pain – it only added to the intensity of their lovemaking. 

When he came once more, he groaned, closing his eyes while his body shook and he spilled everything he had inside her, his seed, his soul, his heart. When he opened his eyes again, breathing heavily, she looked at him the way he felt about her – as though he was the most magnificent thing she had ever laid her eyes on. 

“You didn’t… did you?” he asked, his voice shaky. 

She chuckled and shook her head. 

 _Let’s do something about that,_ he thought with a growl, the beast inside him still very much awake. He moved on the bed so he could lift her legs over his shoulders and she gasped as he pushed his tongue inside of her. Though he had very little experience doing these things, he was guided by the way her body reacted and the sounds she made as he licked, sucked and circled his tongue around her pearl. 

“Oh Maker, Cullen, _fuck…”_ she repeated over and over again as her back arched and she pushed her pelvis upwards, towards him. She threaded her fingers through his hair and pulled lightly, and much too soon she shook again and he knew he had her too close to the edge to stop now. As she screamed out once more he sucked on her swollen bud hard until she squirmed underneath him, giggling and pulling his hair. 

He had a wide, proud grin on his face as he laid himself next to her, but she was clearly not done with him yet. The hunger in her eyes was plain as she crawled on top of him, kissing, licking and sucking the skin of his neck, shoulders and chest. 

 _Maker’s breath, this woman has some stamina. That must be the advantage of always being on the road, always fighting,_ he thought, but he certainly didn’t mind. He shivered as her nails ran down his chest and she pushed her tongue in his mouth. This was a wild side of her he had never seen, but he was overjoyed that he had the privilege of experiencing it. 

The way her body moved on top of him roused his manhood again, throbbing and ready to be inside her, and when she lowered herself on top of him he sighed and his eyes rolled back. 

Her body looked amazing from this angle, her small breasts bouncing as she moved on top of him, her belly tight and tense. Her hands were on his chest, her nails digging into his skin and he held onto her hips, barely guiding her movement but he enjoyed the feel of her skin. He watched her shamelessly as she bit her lip and returned his gaze with a naughty look of her own. 

When she leaned backwards he was so deep inside her that he groaned, and she ground her pelvis against his. The skin there was becoming sensitive but he hardly noticed, he was too focused on her. Her breathing had become shallow, rapid and he knew she was close to another orgasm. She moved faster and very soon he could feel her twitch again as she moaned, but she didn’t slow down. 

Her orgasm made her so tighten so much that it almost hurt as much as it felt incredibly good, and he gasped as he said “Gabriela, I’m going to, I can’t…”. 

She didn’t let him finish his sentence. She silenced him with her mouth, increasing her speed. It wasn’t long before she pulled him into ecstasy again, biting his lip before leaning back again as his manhood twitched inside her. 

She waited until he had emptied himself completely before leaning forward and kissing him. “Maker’s breath” he said, “If I’d known that sleeping here didn’t actually mean _sleeping…”._

“…then what?” Gabby asked with a chuckle. 

“Then I would have tried to get some sleep before coming here” he responded, grinning. 

She pressed another soft kiss on his lips before saying “I suppose we should sleep, it’s getting late. And I’ve had enough…” she winked, “for now”. 

Cullen groaned dramatically, as though he could ever get too much of _this,_ but he stopped her when she tried to climb off of him. “Not yet” he said, “I want to enjoy this a bit longer”. His eyes traveled over her body, taking a mental picture of the way she looked – devastatingly beautiful, with her hair messed up and her chest still heaving, her breasts and soft pink nipples, her tiny waist, her full hips as she straddled him. He wanted to store it all in his memory with as much detail as possible. _But I have to go to sleep soon, and I will more than likely see this again,_ he thought to himself, already enjoying the thought of that future. 

He saw the grin on her face before she leaned forward, pressing her body against his and kissing him slowly and deeply. “are you saying you’re not done with me yet, Commander?” she said, a hint of humor but also more desire in her voice. 

He laughed. “How much stamina do you think I have, woman?” 

She giggled – a sound that, though very strange to hear coming from her mouth, delighted him. “Sleep it is, then” she said. She rolled off him, only to locate the safe spot in his arms right after. He held her close, burying his face in her hair, her sweet scent making him slightly light-headed. 

“You are a goddess” he whispered, “I love you” 

“I love you too” she murmured into his chest, and though he thought he heard some sadness in the way she said it, he was too tired and too close to sleep already to really register it. 

 _She loves me_ was all he could think before drifting into sleep.


	17. Dreaming of a Future

He was trapped. He could hardly breathe. As the desire demon moved towards him he tried to flee but there was nowhere to go. The magic barrier around them burned his skin as his back touched it and he winced. 

“This isn’t real” he whispered, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth and willing himself to wake up. 

The demon laughed. “Is it not? Does the pain not feel real enough? Do I not look real enough?” 

She stepped closer to him again, raising her demonic claw to drag her nails over his cheek slowly. 

“This is _not_ real. Wake up, Rutherford” he hissed as he turned his head away from her hand, disgusted. 

Her laugh echoed off the walls of the abandoned tower. “When will you realize that I am in your head, my sweet Cullen? You cannot silence me, you cannot ignore me. Your pretty _inquisitor –“_ she spat the word – “is nothing more than one of my pawns, one of my illusions. I have been toying with you and I will continue toying with you. Stop resisting”. 

She pressed her body against his, taking his hand in hers and raising it to her mouth to kiss it. 

“No” Cullen begged, shaking his head. “No…” 

“Cullen?” the demon said with a wicked smile, with _her voice,_ Gabby’s voice. It sickened him. He pulled his hand away and tried to fight her, but his limbs were heavy. 

“Leave me…” he said, his voice small and weak as it felt as though a hand closed around his throat. 

The demon moved closer once more until she could whisper in his ear “It was not her that you made love to this night, dear Commander, but _me_. Did you not enjoy it? We can be together forever. _My love_ …”. Those last two words she spoke in Gabby’s voice again and it angered Cullen that this _thing_ would dishonour his love by imitating her, so much so that he regained his strength. 

“Leave me!” he spat, grabbing her arm as she tried to reach for him again and pushing her away. 

The demon looked scared now and Cullen’s vision blurred a little as he heard it shout “Cullen!” once again in Gabby’s voice. 

He awoke with a start, gasping and sweating and momentarily unaware of his surroundings, until he realized he was still holding on to the arm he had grabbed in his dream. He released it and his eyes met Gabby’s, which were wide and frightened. She was sitting up straight in the bed, holding her arm against her chest as if it was injured, guarding it with her other hand. 

“Gabriela” he said, shocked, only now realizing what had happened. “Forgive me, I didn’t…” but he didn’t know what to say. The fear in her eyes broke his heart, and he reached for her, trying to draw her into his embrace. She let him, but hesitantly. _Maker, what have I done?_

“You scared me” she said in a small voice, placing her head against his chest. “Are your nightmares always that bad?”. 

He noticed she was still protecting her arm, as if she still feared he would harm her. He nodded slowly, repressing the hatred he felt towards himself in this moment. “Without Lyrium, they’re worse. And they always seem… very real”. 

Gabby sighed and he felt her relax in his arms as she circled her arms around him. “I hate that it’s this hard for you to break away from that life”. 

 _She understands. Of course she understands._ This beautiful, amazing woman who never seemed to disapprove of anything that he did, even though he had hurt her. He planted a kiss on her hair and rubbed her back softly. “Likewise” he whispered. “It seems that I found the only person in Thedas who understands that”. 

He felt her shake her head. “I don’t believe that. But it does feel like that sometimes, I agree”. She sighed again and he felt any residual tension leave her muscles, to his relief. “I wish we could just stay in bed all day” she mumbled. 

“After we defeat Corypheus, we’ll stay in bed for a week, doing nothing but this” Cullen responded, planting another kiss on the top of her head. 

After a moment of silence, she spoke again and he heard the smile in her voice. “We could go to Ostwick” she said, “Visit my brother and his wife, and see his baby. Or we could go to South Reach and visit your family? I would love to meet your siblings”. 

“And they would love to meet you too, especially Mia. She’s been badgering me for more information about you” he said. _I should really write Mia a letter,_ he thought to himself. He had always been very bad at keeping in contact with his family. 

“Well, then that’s what we’ll do. When all of this is over” Gabby said. 

“When all of this is over” Cullen repeated. He tightened his hold on her. _When Corypheus is dead, and we are still standing. I dare not think about another future._

There was a knock on the door not long after. Gabby sighed, kissed Cullen once more and stepped out of the bed. He watch her in amazement as she dressed herself and stepped from the sensitive, loving woman he had gotten to know and love into the role of Inquisitor again. He watched her posture change as she gathered all her clothing items, softly humming to herself. 

“Come in” she called to the person at the door when her transformation was done. 

A messenger appeared at the top of the stairs, a young boy that Cullen had seen around Skyhold a few times before. The boy looked at him, blushed, and focused on Gabby. “Commander. Inquisitor. The Ambassador sent me to tell you that Livius Erimond was taken in to Skyhold. He’s in a holding cell awaiting your judgment”. 

 _Erimond._ This would be interesting, Cullen thought to himself, as he sat up in bed to listen closely and watch Gabby’s reaction. After what the Magister had done, after what Gabby had been through, he could imagine that the punishment would be grave. 

“Thank you, Henry” Gabby simply said, “Please tell Josephine that I’ll be down soon”. _She’s not showing any emotions,_ Cullen noticed with some admiration. He wondered if she would be able to hide them as well when facing Erimond himself. 

The boy nodded and threw one last glance at Cullen before fleeing from the room. Cullen chuckled. “It will be a while before people get used to us like this”. 

There was no response. Cullen studied Gabby’s face as she turned away from him slightly, closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. _There it is,_ he thought, the side of her that she hid from everybody but him. The wear and tear that she showed only in his company. In a way, he felt honoured that she had let him behind her barriers. 

He stepped out of the bed and walked over to her. “Are you alright?” he asked, stroking her cheek with his fingertips. 

She tilted her head, leaning against his hand slightly and exhaled. Her eyes opened and met his. “Back to real life, I suppose” she mumbled, and he could hear the mixed emotions in her voice. 

Her eyes shifted, travelling over his naked body, and she smiled. “You’re not making it any easier, you know”. 

When she looked into his eyes again, there was only love. She pressed the length of her body against his, placing her hands on his shoulders, and kissed him. He felt his manhood growing hard again despite himself. _Dear Maker, Rutherford, it’s like you’re a young man again. Control yourself!_ He thought, but it seemed to simply be the effect that she had on him. 

“I love you” she whispered against his lips.   

“I love you, too” he replied, and his member twitched as if saying  _I do_ _too!_

She raised an eyebrow and looked down, making Cullen blush a little. “Forgive me,” he laughed nervously, “I can’t seem to help myself around you”. 

She buried her face in his neck and laughed. “Well, I’m afraid you _will_ have to help yourself, since people are waiting for me. But you can use my chambers a bit longer if you need to”. 

He laughed with her, softly stroking her back, and then he saw her arm. There were three small early bruises, obviously caused by someone forcefully grabbing her, by _him_ grabbing her. His breath caught and a nauseating feeling came over him. He folded his hand around her elbow, pulling her arm down to see it more closely and she cast him a puzzled look until she noticed what he was staring at. 

He stroked the bruised skin with his fingers, unable to speak. _My nightmares have been far worse than this. What else am I capable of doing to her in my sleep?_ The idea that in his fevered delusions he could hurt her – no, he had already hurt her - that he could seriously injure her sickened him. He wanted to be someone she could trust, that could protect her. He did not want to be another thing for her to worry about. He did not want his to be another battle for her to fight. 

She covered his hand with her own, hiding the bruises. “Cullen…” she said in a gentle voice, “It’s okay”.

_How could she ever completely feel safe with me if it is not safe for her to be with me? How can I ever expect her to be strong, to fight her own demons if I can’t even fight mine without hurting the person I love?_

_“Cullen”_ she said, more urgently, moving her hand from her arm to cup his cheek. He met her eyes, not completely able to hide the disgust he felt at his own actions. “It’s _okay_ _”_ she said calmly, _“_ Trust me, I’ve had injuries a _lot_ worse than this”. 

“I know” he said, “I never meant to add to them”. 

Gabby sighed and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. “My love” she said, “If you could see the marks I left on your back, you wouldn’t worry about a few bruises on my arm. You’ve taken so much pain from me already, this means nothing”. 

He found it difficult to see it from her perspective but her calmness soothed him. 

“Would you get dressed?” Gabby asked. “I’d like you to be there when I judge Erimond”. 

He nodded slowly, letting go of her and turning around to gather his clothes. When he turned his head to look at her, she was watching him, a loving smile on her face. She never ceased to amaze him.

* * *

He watched her carefully as she passed her judgement on Erimond, but just as it had been with the messenger earlier, she showed no anger, no resentment. In that moment, he saw in her everything that the world saw in her, the reason why she was named Inquisitor. He couldn’t feel more proud. Her decision was to hand him over to the Wardens, and Cullen fully supported that decision. 

After Erimond was taken away, Josephine asked Gabby and Cullen to join her and Leliana in the war room. “I’m right behind you” Gabby responded, standing up. 

Cullen placed his hand on her back and smiled as she looked at him. “You did good” he said softly, and motioned with his hand for her to lead the way to the war room. 

As he watched her walk in front of him, her hips swaying slightly, he remembered their passionate night and grinned to himself. He wondered if she could still feel it, if her skin was still slightly sore the way his was. She had been wild, beautiful, magnificent, and he knew he would not spend another night in his own bedroom whenever she was home. 

As they stepped through the doors to the war room he cleared his mind of the impure thoughts he had about his leader, assuming his role of Commander. To his chagrin, Morrigan was waiting for them. Whenever he saw the witch, old resentments rose up inside him, and though Gabby seemed to trust her as much as she would any of her other companions, the idea of them travelling together still made him uncomfortable. 

They discussed what Morrigan knew about the Eluvian and what she had shown Gabby, and the very real threat of Corypheus obtaining such an object. 

“Pardon me,” Josephine said, “but does this mean that everything is lost unless we get to the Eluvian before him?” 

“Corypheus has a head start, no matter how quickly our army moves” Cullen said. 

“We should gather our allies before we march” Josephine responded. 

“Can we wait for them?” Leliana asked, clearly not convinced. “We should send our spies ahead to the Arbor Wilds”. 

“Without support from the soldiers?” Cullen asked, baffled. “You’d lose half of them!” 

“Then what _should_ we do?” Josephine said in a frustrated voice and Cullen narrowed her eyes at her. _Is this not what we are here for? Should we not be able to come up with a solution together?_

There was tension in the air as they stood there and nobody spoke for a moment. “Guys” Gabby said then, in a calm voice, and everybody turned to look at her. 

“We need to work together” she said, “this isn’t going anywhere. Leliana, you said your spies can infiltrate their camps, get us the information we need, and maybe even cause some damage. Have them meet with our allies’ scouts. Together, they can slow Corypheus’ army down until Cullen’s soldiers arrive. I’ll be right behind, with Morrigan and my companions. We can do this”. 

 _That’s my girl,_ he thought to himself and nodded. “As you say, Inquisitor. Any further instructions?” 

“Just one thing” Gabby said with a curt nod. “I’m proud of all of you. We went from a handful of soldiers to being a force to be reckoned with. And though I am the Inquisitor, I’d be nothing without you” 

He noticed the nervous shifting of her stance before she continued. “And I wanted to apologise. For my erratic behaviour, for making you doubt my leadership. That alone already made me a poor leader. But we will triumph, and I will give my life if I have to, to achieve that. I give you my word”. 

 _I will give my life if I have to._ Aside from those words, Cullen could not feel more proud of his beloved, but those nine words chilled him. He knew as well as anybody else in this room that there was a very real possibility that it might come to that, but hearing her say it made it feel that much more real. Yet again he wished they had met under different circumstances, that she would not have to carry this weight on her shoulders. Though she carried it with grace despite her personal issues, he wished he could just live a carefree life with her while someone else fought the battles that they fought every day. 

Josephine’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. “I must admit, we were… worried about you sometimes, Inquisitor” she said, and Cullen looked away, afraid he could not hide the annoyance he felt at the Ambassador’s diplomatic words. He remembered the night that she and Leliana had suggested to find a replacement for Gabby all too well. 

“…but you were never a poor leader” Josephine added. _Exactly,_ Cullen thought, _which is exactly what I told you that night. I’m glad you see it now too._

“We’re glad to see you’re doing better” Leliana said, “and like Josie said, we did not worry about your leadership, merely for your wellbeing. It seemed sometimes that you found the one too important to be concerned with the other”. The Spymaster made it sound surprisingly sincere. 

“Thank you” Gabby said, and he could hear the relief in her voice. “Well, let’s get the preparations underway. I want everybody ready to depart tomorrow if possible”. 

Cullen waited for Josephine, Leliana and Morrigan to leave before he approached Gabby. 

“You will not be giving your life” he said sternly, “but other than that, what you said was very commendable”. 

Gabby sighed. “Cullen, it’s not that I want that. Not at all. I want to get through this, I want everybody to be safe and alive and happy. I want to have a life with you, somewhere we can call ‘home’, maybe even have children someday. But if it so happens that it will cost my life to save the world, I will make that sacrifice without a doubt, and so would you”. 

His eyes widened at her words. “Children…?”. He hadn’t thought about it yet, but apparently, she had, and he couldn’t ignore the joy he felt at hearing her say it out loud. 

Gabby laughed nervously. “Is _that_ what you got from that?”. 

He circled his arms around her waist. “It is, and I don’t want to think about you sacrificing your life for the greater good, even though that is exactly what I would do. So… children?” 

She averted her eyes, clearly uncomfortable now. _Maybe this is not the time to talk about this,_ he thought, but she had brought up the subject and it was all he wanted to think about. 

“Cullen” she said, “Maybe we should have this conversation later. After the battle. Maybe we shouldn’t focus too much on our future together until we are both actually alive and safe, and we can _have_ a future”. 

She was right. Of course she was. So he nodded slowly, kissed her and muttered “I should go. There’s a lot of work to do before our departure”. 

“Alright. I’ll go inform my companions, tell them to prepare as well. Will I see you later?” she said, casting him a hopeful look. 

 _How could she even doubt that?_ “You will” he said, and kissed her once more before leaving the war room, to once more be Commander of the Inquisition, to prepare his soldiers. But he could not erase the image of a young girl or boy with her big emerald eyes and perhaps his hair, playing carelessly in a field.

 


End file.
